Holiday Special #3: Christmas-Elves

Segment One

	(Jason and Cokie are at the table. Jason is reading "The Night Before Christmas".)
	Jason: Oh hey everyone, Merry Christmas! I'm reminding Cokie what Christmas is all about.
	Cokie: So the day after Thanksgiving, Jesus' mom and dad had to run out and get him a birthday gift before all the stores in Bethlehem ran out of cool stuff?
	Jason: Well, that's what I was taught to believe. And people carry on that tradition every year since.
	Cokie: But why don't we give gifts to Jesus instead of our friends and family?
	Jason: I think that was Joseph's idea. He was feeling all left out cause no one made his birthday a national holiday, so he insisted that people give him and Mary gifts as well.
	Cokie: Ohh...that makes sense. 
	Jason: Yep. How's your Christmas, Dr. Snyder?
	(Goes to Dr. Snyder, who is sitting in the dark, looking depressed. He is drinking and looks at the camera.)
	Dr. Snyder: I hate Christmas!!!
	Jason: Ummm...ok. What's wrong?
	Dr. Snyder: Oh, I just get depressed because I'm always by myself on Christmas. 
	Jason: Where's Chickie?
	Dr. Snyder: He went back to the farm I got him from to see his mom and dad and 300 thousand brothers and sisters. 
	Jason: Well...what about your family?
	Dr. Snyder: Well, my brother is in the deep freeze. My dad is in prison and my mom...well...is a test tube. 
	Cokie: You're a test tube baby?
	Dr. Snyder: NO NEED TO REMIND ME!!!!!!! NOW YOU GOT ME ANGRY AND MORE DEPRESSED!! So I'm gonna send you the worse Christmas movie ever made.
	Jason: "It's A Wonderful Life 2: Electric Boogaloo"?
	Dr. Snyder: No! It's called "Elves" and it stars that dude from Grizzly Adams, some valley girls, and some nazi's. EAT IT!!! Like the turkey...that I won't be eating....
	(Cries.)
	Jason: Man...Dr. Snyder is depressed, huh?
	Cokie: Yeah. So Jesus wanted the earliest version of Playstation, but Joseph and Mary couldn't afford it, so he asked some wise guys to get him some Gold, Frankensense and myrr?
	Jason: Umm...we should stop offending non-humorous Christians and go watch the movie.
	Cokie: Non-humorous Christians? Isn't that redundant?
	Jason: Let's just get into the movie...

Segment Two

	(Jason is holding a roll of wrapping paper, a box, some tape, and a pair of scissors. He looks around for Cokie, and there is no sign of him. Jason then starts to wrap the box.)
	Cokie: Hey, what are you doing?
	Jason: AHH!! HEY! Will you get out of here?!
	Cokie: Why?
	Jason: I'm wrapping your gift, ok?
	Cokie: Oh cool, what'd you get me?
	Jason: You'll have to wait and find out.
	Cokie: Well, why can't I see it now?
	Jason: Because we open presents later, ok?
	Cokie: But that makes no sense.
	Jason: Just...trust me, ok?
	Cokie: Boy, humans do some strange things. I suppose I have to wrap your gift.
	Jason: You got me something?
	Cokie: Well...I didn't at first. But now that you got me something, I'll have to go get you something.
	(Cokie leaves.)
	Jason: Yay, some privicy. (Starts wrapping.) Dr. Snyder, are you ok?
	(Dr. Snyder is sitting, drinking and holding a picture. Staind's "It's Been Awhile" is playing. He he puts the glass in his mouth, holds it, and then writes some things down. He continues to look at the picture.)
	(Jason looks at the camera oddly, with the wrapped box.)
	Jason: Umm...ok. Cokie, I think Dr. Snyder needs help.
	Cokie (Appearing): I always thought that. And we gotta get back to the movie. 
	Jason: Ok, cause "It's been awhile..." since we seen the movie...
	Cokie: You are so stupid.

Segment Three

	(Cokie is by a box, the wrapping paper, tape, and scissors. Jason comes in.)
	Jason: Hey Cokie, what's up?
	Cokie: Um, well...I was about to wrap your present when I realized something.
	Jason: That you were being insensitive earlier and that you want me to leave the room while you wrap your present to me, so you can get joy out of me being surprised?
	Cokie: No, that I don't have any apposable thumbs, so I'm gonna need you to wrap it for me.
	Jason: How do you want me to do that?
	Cokie: Well...just close your eyes while your wrap it.
	Jason: But that's impossible...
	Cokie: Look, you seem to think it's important that you don't see what the gift is until you open it.
	Jason: Well...alright. (Sighs) Let me see if I can do this. (Closes eyes.) Ok, well, I feel the box...and this is the paper. Now I just pull the paper out...and then cut...OW!! My hand...ok, go around hand..and now fold that over....then get the tape and tape it...and now...it should be wrapped and-(Opens eyes) Uh oh...
	(The box is wrapped all haphazardly, along with Jason's hand. Cokie is gone.)
	Jason: Hm. Well I guess as long as it's wrapped...Cokie?
	(Cokie mumbles inside the package.)
	Jason: Oh...hehe...well I guess I can't get you out of there until we open gifts huh? Oh well...oh hey we gotta get back to the movie.
	(Jason leaves. Cokie mutters loudly.)

Segment Four

	(Jason's and Cokie's gifts are sitting on the table. Jason and Cokie come up.)

	Jason: You know, this movie isn't much of a Christmas movie.
	Cokie: It isn't?
	Jason: No. I mean Nazi, demonic elves, bitchy mothers and valley girls, plus washed up actors from the 70's don't make the best Christmas movies.
	Cokie: What is a good kind of Christmas movie, Jason?
	Jason: Well, anything that's animated is good. Where they tell the story of either Santa Claus or Jesus, depending on how much of a religious upbringing you want on your kids. Plus there are good non-animated Christmas movies.
	Cokie: Like what?
	Jason: Well you got "It's A Wonderful Life", where Jimmy Stewart plays a guy who wants to kill himself so his guardian angel shows him what life would be like if he wasn't born.
	Cokie: Uh-huh...
	Jason: And you also have "A Christmas Carol", a story about a greedy old man who constantly birates his worker, who has a son who is disabled and is about to die at any minute. And the greedy old man learns the true meaning of christmas when he realizes that people won't miss him when he dies.
	Cokie: Yeah...
	Jason: Oh, and "A Christmas Story", a story about a kid, from Indiana actually, who wants a BB Gun for Christmas, but everyone around him tells him he'll shoot his eyes out. And he gets beat up by a bully almost everyday.
	Cokie: Umm...ok...
	Jason: Oh and there's "A Miricle on 34th Street" about this uptight woman and her even more uptight daughter who don't believe in Santa Claus, even when he works for her store and-
	Cokie: Ok, I think I heard enough.
	Jason: What?
	Cokie: You call these movies Christmas classics? They all sound depressing and miserable.
	Jason: Well yeah...but you realize at the end that even evil people can succumb to the powers of Christmas.
	Cokie: So you like all of those movies, but you deem this movie as a bad Christmas movie?
	Jason: Well...yeah.
	Cokie: You humans are weird.
	Jason: Whatever. Let's go finish the movie. Scrooge.
	Cokie: McDuck?
	Jason: No I mean...nevermind.

Segment Five

	(Jason and Cokie are at the table.)

	Jason: Ok, it's time to exchange the gifts. You wanna open mine first Cokie?
	Cokie: Sure...um...can you do it for me? Unposable thumbs and all.
	Jason: Oh, right.
	(Jason opens Cokie's gift and it's a box full of half eaten milkbones.)
	Cokie: Oh wow, some half eaten milkbones.
	Jason: Yeah...it took me a whole week to find them all.
	Cokie: Well...thanks. Now open yours.
	Jason: Oh, ok. 
	(Jason opens his gift and the box is empty.)
	Jason: Hey, it's empty.
	Cokie: I know. The gift IS the box. I figured you could use a good box.
	Jason: Oh...well...thanks Cokie. (Sighs) This isn't exactly the best christmas ever. Dr. Snyder is depressed, we gave each other crappy gifts, we had to sit through a elf/nazi/valley girl/Grizzly Adam's movie, I'm not with my family, I'm stuck in a basement, and I'm with a talking genetically engineered dog who hates me! This christmas sucks!!!
	(Goes to Dr. Snyder, who looks even more depressed. But he picks up his head.)
	Dr. Snyder: What did you say, Soto?
	Jason: I hate this christmas!! And I hate you Dr. Snyder for taking me away from my family and friends on what should be the most wonderful time of the year!!
	Dr. Snyder: Really, Soto?
	Jason: Yeah!!!
	Dr. Snyder: ALRIGHT!!! That just cheered me up!! This is the best Christmas ever. Even without Chickie.
	(Chickie appears next to Dr. Snyder.)
	Dr. Snyder: CHICKIE!! You're here!! I thought you went back to the farm! (Chickie doesn't say anything) Oh, I'm sorry to hear that your family became KFC's family pack. But welcome home!! 
	(Dr. Snyder hugs Chickie.)
	Jason: Hm, well...Dr. Snyder is happy...I guess I shouldn't be so depressed. I know, let's play some Christmas music.
	Cokie: Ok. I just downloaded "Joy To The World".
	Jason: Don't let the RIAA hear you say that. (Laughs) Ok, put it on.
	(The song starts, but it's the Three Dog Night song "Joy To The World")
	Jason: Umm...Cokie?
	Cokie: What? Did I mess up again?
	Jason: Uhh..no. This is fine. (Looks to camera) I hope that you have a much better Christmas then we had and we here at BMC5K wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! We'll see you in 2004 for the start of the "new season". Take that song from the top again, Cokie.
	("Joy To The World" starts up and everyone dances to it over the credits.)

The End For 2003!!!!