Episode 12: Billy Jack

Segment One

	(Cokie is looking at some papers.)
	Cokie: Oh wow...Jason!!
	(Jason rushes in.)
	Jason: What's up Cokie?
	Cokie: I was listening to that Three Dog Night song "One Is The Lonelist Number" and I was curious about the lyrics, so I looked them up on the internet. And I discovered the lost lyrics!!
	Jason: Lost lyrics?
	Cokie: Yeah, lyrics their manager or whoever made them take out cause, I'm guessing, it would've been too long.
	Jason: Well, that's cool, what are they?
	Cokie: Ok, well you know "One is the lonelist number that you'd ever do. Two can be as bad, it's the lonelist number since the number one..."
	Jason: Yeah, classic song.
	Cokie: Ok, well here are the rejected lyrics. "Three is almost as bad as two and one combined. Four is just as bad, but not quite as bad. Don't even get me started on five. And then there's the elusive six, man, dude, that's a bad number. And then seven-
	Jason: Wait, how long does this go on?
	Cokie: Um...not sure, it just got done printing. Anyway, seven is so horrible that-
	(Goes to Dr. Snyder and he looks bored. He sighs heavily.)
	Jason: What's wrong now, Snyder?
	Dr. Snyder: Oh, it's just time to send you two morons another movie. 
	Jason: And...? I thought you got some weird kick out of torturing us with movies?
	Cokie: ...15 is almost as bad as 14, but 14 is ok in comparison. Now 16, that's a bitch...
	(Jason looks at Cokie oddly.)
	Dr. Snyder: Oh, I do, but it's just that it's getting old. I mean I sent you 14 movies already and they don't seem to have any effect on you. But anyway, you're movie tonight is a horror movie with-
	Jason: Aw, not another horror movie. You made us watch too many horror movies.
	Dr. Snyder: Hmm...you're right. Maybe that's what I need to do, send you a non-horror and non-sci fi movie. Maybe a regular drama will send you two into pain!!
	Jason: Umm...uh...oh boy what did I do?
	Cokie: ...27 just sucks ass. But then there's 28...
	Jason: Will you knock that off!
	Dr. Snyder: Ok! I know just the perfect movie. It's painful to watch and it was made in the early 70's by hippies. Oh yeah, this is gonna be good. You're movie tonight is "Billy Jack".
	Jason: 70's?? Hippies!! Aw...I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut.
	Cokie: ...now 90 is almost bad but then there's 91 and-
	Jason: ALRIGHT!!! 
	Cokie: Aw, you made me lose my place. (Sighs) 1 is the loneist numbers-
	Jason: No, no, no!! The movie's starting!! Man, what did I do?...

Segment Two

	(Jason is sitting at the table. Cokie comes up.)

	Cokie: Um, Jason?
	Jason: Yeah?
	Cokie: I, uh, wrote a cool song, but-
	Jason: Aw, youre too bashful to play it?
	Cokie: Well, not really. I just don't know how to play guitar to play it.
	Jason: Oh. Well, just do it Acapella.
	Cokie: What's that?
	Jason: When you sing a song with no music.
	Cokie: Oh, ok. Well my song is called "My Life Sucks". Ahem. "My life...sucks. I ran out of dog biscuits...I have nothing to snack on...my life sucks." (Stops.)
	Jason: That's it?
	Cokie: Yeah.
	Jason: Well, um...
	Cokie: I didn't want to make it super long, I figured you learned that my life sucks early on and that was the message I wanted to get across.
	Jason: Oh, well you got it across pretty good then.
	Cokie: Thanks. I got another one.
	Jason: Oh, um-
	Cokie: "Why do I feel the need to lick down there? What is my obsession? Why do-"
	Jason: Ok, ok...Cokie, I think I heard enough. We gotta get back to the movie.
	Cokie: Ok, but I gotta lick myself first.
	Jason: ewww...

Segment Three

	(Dr. Snyder is at a table and he is holding a hammer, pounding it on a piece of wood. Chickie is sitting next to him.)
	Dr. Snyder: Ok, ok, I call this meeting to order!! What is on the agenda today?
	Jason: I want to-
	Dr. Snyder: State your name!!!
	Jason: My name is Jason Soto and you are subjecting us to this horrible movie, where nothing happens and there are endless scenes! I will not have it anymore!!!
	Dr. Snyder: Order!! Order!!! The whole point is to make you suffer by making you watch pointless movies!
	Jason: But nothing is going on!! I mean, how are we suppose to make funny comments when we are just being shown women singing folk songs about Billy Jack and their dead brothers??!
	Cokie: Yeah!!!!!
	Dr. Snyder: Ok, ok, no talking out of turn! You take the chair. State your name!!
	Cokie: My name is Cokie.
	Dr. Snyder: Respect this meeting and give your real name!!
	Cokie: My name is Cokie The Dog, do you have a problem with genetically engineered dogs??
	Dr. Snyder: Ok, ok, Cokie The Dog wants to talk.
	Cokie: I must agree with my friend here, this movie is too awful, even for you. I rather watch Manos: The Hands of Fate instead of this.
	Jason: Or House of Exorcism!
	Dr. Snyder: There is no proof that House of Exorcism exists!!!!
	Jason: What do you mean there is no proof?!?!
	Cokie: How dare you say-
	Dr. Snyder: Silence!! Silence!! (Bangs hammer) I declare this meeting over and you two will be sent back to the theater to continue watching the movie. Thank you.
	Jason: NO!!!!!!!
	Cokie: Don't look at me, I voted for Chickie.

Segment Four

	(Jason and Cokie are at the table.)
	Cokie: This is too terrible, Jason. I don't think I can go on anymore.
	Jason: But we got to make it or else we'll be Dr. Snyder's slaves for the rest of our lives.
	Cokie: I'm happy with that.
	Jason: No, no Cokie, we must find...the strength.
	Cokie: How can you be so positive?
	Jason: Well...I'll tell you...
	(Song starts.)

First I was afraid
I was petrefied
Kept thinking we could never live
With this movie on our minds
But then I spent the last past hour
thinking how it did us wrong
we'll grow strong
somehow we'll just have to get along...
so let's go back
to the theater
let's go and face this movie 
without a sad look on our face
They shouldn't have made this stupid movie
They should have made a porno instead
If they had known for just one moment
how'd much this movie sucks
But lets now go, lets face this crap
there's no turning around now
cause Dr. Snyder is an asshole
isn't he the one whos trying to hurt us with this damn movie
he thinks we'd crumble
he thinks we'd lay down and die
oh no, not us cause
we will survive
as long as we know how to riff
we know we will stay sane
we've got a lot more movie to watch
we've got lots of riffs to give
and we'll survive
we will survive (hey hey)

	(Cokie "dances")

It's taking all the strenth we have
not to fall apart
keep trying hard to make
fun of this piece of shit movie
and we spent oh so many hours
just suffering through Billy Jack
We could just cry
but let's hold our head up high

and you see us
watching this
lets not get chained up by this movie
who loves to mess with us
and so you think we'll be dropping dead
and just expect us to surrender
but we're saving all of our strength
for when we have to watch Gigli

	(Goes to Dr. Snyder.)
	Dr. Snyder: Oh, yeah? Well, let me take a verse!

Go on now, walk back to the movie
just turn around now
cause you're not going to win that easy
So you guys think you'd try to break me by surviving this
you think I'd give up
you'd think I'd just let you go
oh no, not I
You won't survive
as long as I know how to torment
I know you will stay captive
I've got all my life to torture
I've got a lot of movies to give
you won't survive
You won't survive

	(Goes back to Jason.)
	Jason: Oh...well..

let us now go back to the movie
let's turn around now
and lets just welcome in the pain
oh well at lease we tried to break out and say goodbye
he thinks we'd crumble
he thinks we'd lay down and die
oh no, not us
we will survive
as long as we know how to riff
I know we will stay alive
we've got to get back n' watch
this stupid god damn crappy movie
but we'll survive
we will survive
we will surviveeeee....
	Let's go finish this movie!!

Segment Five

	(Jason walks in with something under his shirt that makes it look like he has breasts.)
	Jason (As Charro): Gootchie Gootchie!! (Jason runs off.)
	Cokie: Umm...
	(Jason does it again, giggles, runs off again.)
	Cokie: Aw man, this movie finally pushed Jason over to the edge. You did it, Dr. Snyder, you finally did it, you blew his mind up! Damn you all the hell!!!!
	(Dr. Snyder is looking, puzzled.)
	Dr. Snyder: Hmm...this movie made Soto act like Charro...
	(Jason comes by and does it again.)
	Dr. Snyder: Man, that's not the response I'm looking for. Guess I have to keep him down there longer.
	(Dr. Snyder senses something and turns around. Behind him is Billy Jack, riding in on a broom stick.)
	Billy Jack: Now hold on there, Snyder. You won't be torturing that kid and that dog any longer. 
	Dr. Snyder: Oh really?
	Billy: Really. I can kill you by hitting your adams apple and I am all knowning. I got bit by a snake during the Snake Ritual.
	Dr. Snyder: Ohh ok. But have you gotten bit by a chicken during the Chicken Ritual?
	Billy: Chicken? Can't say that I-
	Snyder: Get him Chickie!!
	(Chickie attacks Billy and he falls tot he floor. Dr. Snyder looks over him.)
	Dr. Snyder: Hmm...he's out cold. Well, off to the deep freeze with him.  Until next time Soto.
	(Dr. Snyder turns the camera off.)