[Copyright 2007 King Weasel Productions]

MSTF 10
BotCon 2007
June 29, 2007 - Providence, Rhode Island
****************************************************

SIPHER: Ladies and gentlemen… it’s 2007. We started doing this little thing in 1997. Ten years of this crap.

PHIL: We didn’t do one in 2002-

SIPHER: (not missing a beat or even looking at Phil) Shut up. Ten years. And I gotta tell you people… it only gets harder.

DOUG: Don’t I know it. I mean, do you all realize how hard it is to find fanboy pipe-dreams that are too ridiculous to actually happen anymore for us to make fun of?

PHIL: No kidding. I mean, we actually got Victory with ball joints, for crying out loud in the beer!

SIPHER: Original Generation 1 toys on shelves again, including former Japanese exclusives? Done that! Diaclone-color variations too!

DOUG: New Transformers made mostly of die-cast metal? Thanks, Haliburton!

PHIL: Headmaster Arcee? (pause) Well, okay, some stuff is still too lame to contemplate.

DOUG: Well, actually…

SIPHER: Doug, if you tell me there’s a stolen toy of that on ebay, I will kill you. Twice. Here and now I will turn you into a fine red paste.

DOUG: … never mind.

PHIL: The point is, it just continues to be a better and better time to be a fan. Let’s face it... we carry more weight than we deserve.

SIPHER: Yeah, around the middle! Burnsauce! (snaps back to “formal mode” instantly) But seriously… the official parties actually listen to our asinine yatterings, and sometimes they even act on those whims. I mean… the big live-action movie. They actually got the voice of Eeyore to be Optimus Prime!

DOUG: (less enthused) Yeah, but they also screamed and cried until they removed Arcee from the movie. Thanks a frickin’ lot.

PHIL: Okay, so not everyone can be happy all the time. But hey, there’s so much and so many official parties are listening!

DOUG: And we too have listened. And because of this, due to overwhelming MSTF fan support, Phil will in fact be reprising his role from the original presentation.

PHIL: (Confused) But I wasn’t in th-

DOUG: (not missing a beat or even looking at Phil) Shut up.

SIPHER: And we all know how anxious you all are to see the live-action movie again, and again. And… thanks to the generosity of Dreamworks, Paramount, and of course Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, we are proud to announce that we will be presenting the live-action Transformers movie…

(pause for reaction)

SIPHER: … at a later date. Right now, we’re doing the one from the Eighties.

PHIL: Again.

SIPHER & DOUG: (not missing a beat or even looking at Phil) Shut up.

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MSTF would like to apologize for misleading you all into thinking you were going to see the live-action movie again this weekend.

MSTF would also like to apologize for the complete lack of sincerity in the previous apology.

We’re basically remorseless, soulless simulacrum who delight in tormenting you.

These lies are the gleaming metallic needles with which we probe your eyeballs… metaphorically.

Enjoy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

	DEG
	De Laurentis Enertainment Group
	(A pair of gongs sound)

SIPHER: (singing) La Choy makes Chinese food!

	(Sunbow and Marvel logos)

PHIL: Hey, Marvel, that means it’ll be a good movie!

SIPHER: You mean like The Punisher?

PHIL: (conceding the point) Okay…

DOUG: And Daredevil?

PHIL: Yes, well-

SIPHER: Either Fantastic Four?

PHIL: (annoyed) We get it, thank you.

(Two suns, one blue, one red, but the way they’re rendered they look more like iceballs)

PHIL: I have a sudden craving for sno-cones. Anyone?

SIPHER: Mmmmmm.

	(Unicron passes by the camera super-up-close)

DOUG: (about halfway through) Hey, there’s Waldo!

	(Shot from inside Unicron, looking at a planet)

SIPHER: This shot is straight out of every mid-Seventies sci-fi painting ever.

PHIL: With some disco dancers in silver lamé jumpsuits?

SIPHER: Yeah.

	(The surface of Lithone. Robotic children run along happily)

SIPHER: (happily) Yes, these adorable children will soon DIE. (“DIE” needs to be REAL deep and menacing)

	(Kranix and Arblus walk down the pinkest hallway ever)

DOUG: Jeez, is it pink today.

PHIL: It’s not pink, it’s “dusky rose”.

SIPHER: I’m… pretty sure that’s a porn star, Phil.

	(The scientist takes the tray of liquids from Kranix and Arblus and sets it on the table. Things start to shake)

PHIL: Oh great, T-Rex attack.

	(Kranix runs to a window/viewscreen)
	KRANIX: Arblus, look! It’s Unicron!

DOUG: (exasperated) Aw, man… he wants to talk about the breakup… look, tell him I’m not here, okay?

	(Close-up of the Lithonians, the one in the foreground has an… odd expression)

SIPHER: (irked) Hey… what the hell, man?

	(Debris and citizens go flying upwards)

SIPHER: (As one in the foreground is lifted off his feet) Wheee!

	(Unicron’s giant horns puncture the planet surface)

PHIL: This is like Titanic… if the Titanic was a planet and the iceberg was a giant robot planet.

SIPHER: Uh, yeah.

	KRANIX: The ships! Get to the ships! It’s our only chance!

DOUG: Offer him a Hostess Fruit Pie!

	(Long-shot of the ships… goddamn, is Lithone pink)

PHIL: Man, the pinkness. It’s like Robot Barbie Dream World.

(Unicron stuffs the planet into his gaping maw. The ships blast off, but the one with the scientist does not get away, tumbling backwards)
	LITHONIAN: Kranix! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

DOUG: Maybe you should have carpooled.

(Planetary mass is crunched by gigantic jaws inside Unicron, accompanied by a very cartoony crunching noise)

PHIL: Hard to take a planet-eating abomination seriously when it sounds like Cookie Monster.

	(Unicron lights up as he finishes off the planet. The camera starts to pan away…)

SIPHER: (huge belch)

(Drum beat starts)

SIPHER: (singing) COME ON, FEEL THE NOISE.

DOUG: Cool.

SIPHER: (singing) GIRLS, ROCK YOUR BOYS!!

	THE TRANSFORMERS
	THE MOVIE

DOUG: The Batman.

	(The camera enters the “O” and goofy techno-lights in the tunnel zoom past)

PHIL: Are we gonna have to fight the Master Control Program now?

SIPHER: END OF LINE.

	STARRING

	ERIC IDLE
	as Wreck-Gar

DOUG: Ah, they dragged him away for a few minutes from trotting out the corpse of Monty Python on-stage with a bunch of nobodies instead of having a real career.

SIPHER: Still, it’s better than being in Shrek 3.

DOUG: True.

	LEONARD NIMOY
	As Galvatron

PHIL: Here to sing “The Legend of Galvo Baggins”.

	ROBERT STACK
	As Ultra Magnus

DOUG: (Stack) Striker, flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle. It’s just a lot harder to but baseball cards in the spokes.

	ORSON WELLES
	As Unicron

SIPHER: (Welles) I spent the day playing a toy in a movie about toys that do horrible things to each other.

	Co-starring
	JOHN MOSCHITTA
	As Blurr

PHIL: He knows all about dorks.

	(Theme song ends)
	ANNOUNCER: It is the year 2005.

DOUG: (announcer) The far-flung future where things are totally futuristic.

SIPHER: Yes, by 1990 we will be living on the moon.

	(Laserbeak flies away from Cybertron)

	Story Consultant
	FLINT DILLE

	ANNOUNCER: But, from secret staging grounds on two of Cybertron’s moons-

SIPHER: Secret bases that Laserbeak flies right into. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… Autobot security sucks.

(Laserbeak lands in front of a wide window. A camera pops out of the top of his head)

PHIL: Dude, Laserbeak has no brain. Look at that!

IRONHIDE: Every time I look into a monitor, Prime, my circuits sizzle. When are we gonna start bustin’ Decepti-chops?
	OPTIMUS: I want you-

DOUG: (Optimus) To shut up.

	IRONHIDE: But Prime!
	OPTIMUS: Listen, Ironhide.

SIPHER: (Optimus) Do you want to hear a secret, oo-waa-oo.

	(shot of Laserbeak watching all this through the window)
	OPTIMUS: Ready the shuttle for launch!

DOUG: (Optimus) Oh, hi, Laserbeak!

	(Ironhide transforms and drives off)

SIPHER: (Ironhide) I gotta go leak some lubricants.

	OPTIMUS: Jazz, report security status.
	JAZZ: No sign of Decepticons here, Prime!

PHIL: (Jazz) But looks like you got Laserbeak peekin’ through your porch window!

	JAZZ: Jazz, to Moon Base Two!
	BUMBLEBEE: Bumblebee and Spike here!
JAZZ: We’re about to send up a shuttle! Any Decepticon shenanigans in your area?

SIPHER: (mock-offended) I beg your pardon?

	SPIKE: Hey, Ironhide! Tell my son Daniel that I miss him!

PHIL: And that men don’t cry, they only get stronger!

	SPIKE: …as soon as we’ve kicked Megatron’s tail across the galaxy!
	IRONHIDE: Will do, Spike!
	OPTIMUS: Cliffjumper, commence countdown.
	CLIFFJUMPER: Five, four, three, two-

SIPHER: (Casey Kasem) And the letter U… these guys are from England and nobody gives a-!

	(The shuttle blasts off)
	OPTIMUS: Now, all we need is a little energon, and a lot of luck.

PHIL: I thought all you need is love.

	(Laserbeak returns to Cybertron)
SHOCKWAVE: Laserbeak returns, Megatron.

ALL: (Blazing Saddles townsfolk-esque) NO SHIT.

MEGATRON: Unlike some of my other warriors, you never fail me.
(Shot of Starscream looking all hurt and betrayed)

DOUG: (Starscream) What are you saying?! That came completely out of nowhere!

 (Soundwave transforms to tape player mode and plugs into a monitor)
OPTIMUS: (on viewscreen) I want you to make a special run to Autobot city on Earth.
(The POV of Laserbeak’s video changes)

DOUG: Wait, how’d he get those other angles?

SIPHER: It’s that same fictional technology that lets you scan a grainy Polaroid from the Sixties into a computer and zoom in with crystal clarity on the individual threads on the jacket of a person across the street.

DOUG: Oh.

	OPTIMUS: (on screen) …a little energon, and a lot of luck.
	MEGATRON: More than you imagine, Optimus Prime.

ALL: (dramatic music sting) Bum bum bummmmmmmmmm!

	(Space. Interior shot of the Autobot shuttle, which starts to shake)

PHIL: Brawn, did you leave a potato in the microwave?

(Megatron tears through the ship’s hull)

DOUG: (Kool-Aid Man) Oh YEAH!

SIPHER & PHIL: Kool-Aid Man!!!

	MEGATRON: Die, Autobots!!
SONG: Iron birds of fortune (??)

PHIL: (confused) “I heard burps of fortune”? Wh-

	(Prowl finally gets up and fires while Ironhide and Ratchet just sit there)

DOUG: (sarcastic) Way to spring into action there, Prowl.

(Scavenger fires a shot that pieces Prowl’s chest. Prowl’s eyes glow and smoke starts coming from his mouth)

PHIL: I told you not to eat that Peter Pan peanut butter.

SIPHER: It’s Hot Fuzz!

DOUG: Oh man.

	(Ironhide and Ratchet finally react, getting up to shoot at the Decepticons)

SIPHER: Michael Bay presents Van Boys II.

DOUG: Oh, that’s awful.

PHIL: I liked it.

	(Ironhide and Ratchet are gunned down)

DOUG: (cheerily) Hey, little kids! Isn’t this fun? Watching your favorite characters die gruesomely? Awesome, right?

MEGATRON: This was almost too easy, Starscream!
STARSCREAM: (smarmy) Much easier, almighty Megatron,

SIPHER: (Starscreamy smarmy meeeehhhhh noise)

STARSCREAM: …than attacking the real threat! The Autobots’ moon base!
MEGATRON: You’re an idiot, Starscream.

SIPHER: You can just feel the sexual tension there, can’t you?

MEGATRON: …and destroy Autobot City, the Autobots will be vanquished forever!
IRONHIDE: (reaching up to grab Megatron’s leg) Nooo!

PHIL: (Ironhide) The soundtrack’s killing me!

	(Megatron looks down)
	MEGATRON: Such heroic nonsense.
(Megatron fires a final, fatal shot)

DOUG: (creepy-cheery) Fun, huh kids? Are ya crying yet? How about we drown this basket of puppies too? Oh, by the way, your grandparents just died in a fire-

SIPHER: (laughing yet interrupting) Okay, that’s enough.

	(On Earth)
	HOT ROD: Fish are jumpin’ today, huh Dan-O?
	DANIEL: (listless) I guess so.
	HOT ROD: Hey, what’s the matter?

DOUG: Danny, men don’t cry, they only get stronger.

	HOT ROD: C’mon, you can tell me.
	DANIEL: I guess I just miss my dad.

PHIL: Whoever he is.

SIPHER: Oooh.

	HOT ROD: Oh, hey, I caught something!

DOUG: I think it’s a cold.

	(Hot Rod reels in the fish)
	DANIEL: Whoah, look at the size of it!
	(The fish is tiny compared to Hot Rod, natch)
	Hot ROD: Yep, it’s a whopper, all right!

SIPHER: No, that’s a fish, Whoppers are presumably beef.

	DANIEL: Hot Rod, the shuttle’s coming, let’s watch it land!
	HOT ROD: Talk about dull, Daniel.
	(Hot Rod tosses the fish back)

SIPHER: (menacingly) We will meet again, fish.

	(Daniel jumps very anime-high over some rocks)
	DANIEL: Hurry, or we’ll miss it!

DOUG: Kid’s got a hell of a leap.

PHIL: He’s a center for the Spurs.

(Daniel activates his hoverboard. Shot of Daniel zooming towards the camera, with Hot Rod behind)

PHIL: (conspiracy nerd) Did you know Kenner developed a working hoverboard toy for Back to the Future II? The government hushed it up.

SIPHER: (warily) Uhhh-huh.

(The hoverboard smacks against a rock and Daniel is sent flying, but Hot Rod catches him)
HOT ROD: If you’re gonna ride, Dan-O, ride in style!

SIPHER: Style? Look at what he’s wearing. Bootsy Collins wouldn’t be caught dead in that outfit.

DANIEL: Hey, let’s stop here!
HOT ROD: Why settle for a peek, Daniel, when you can see everything from Lookout Mountain?

DOUG: I have candy!

	(Kup is directing some Autobots building a roadblock)
	KUP: A little to the left! A little bit more!

SIPHER: Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left.

(Hot Rod zooms forward. The Autobots scatter save Kup, who is nearly run down as Hot Rod smashes through the roadblock)

DOUG: (Dukes of Hazzard announcer) Well, right about that time them Duke Boys was…

	KUP: Turbo-revvin’ young punk. I’ll straighten you out yet!

PHIL: (Kup) Permanently!

(Hot Rod skids to a halt at the lookout point. Daniel gets out and Hot Rod transforms – differently than he did previously)

SIPHER: How many different ways is he gonna transform in this?

	(Daniel looks through some binoculars)
	DANIEL: Hot Rod, look, there’s a hole in the shuttle!

DOUG: So, the Autobots’ early-warning system is a ten-year old with binoculars. No wonder they got kicked off Cybertron.

 (Hot Rod opens fire. Starscream takes a hit, but doesn’t fall over until a second or two afterwards)

SIPHER: Oh yeah, I got hit! Ow, I guess!

	(Hot Rod’s shots actually manage to cut through the shuttle)

PHIL: Did they make that ship out of paper maché or something?

	MEGATRON: ATTACK!!!
	(Megatron shoots at Lookout Mountain)
	HOT ROD: Daniel!
	(Hot Rod grabs Daniel as the lookout point is blasted free of the mountain)
	DANIEL: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!

SIPHER: (singing) –va Nagila, Hava Nagila…

(Blitzwing lands and transforms to tank mode)
BLITZWING: Come on down, Auto-brat!
(He takes ten years to aim while Hot Rod just stands there. Shot from Blitzwing’s POV)

PHIL: Turns out the only thing slower than Hot Rod’s reflexes is Blitzwing’s aim.

(Kup arrives, transforming and leaping onto Blitzwing, pulling his barrel upwards)

SIPHER: (loud snoring until Kup starts pulling the barrel up) Sssnnnnnkkk- wh-HEY?!

(Blitzwing fires, but the shot goes high, nailing Shrapnel. Shrapnel falls and tumbles, hitting Blitzwing’s barrel from below, somehow throwing Blitzwing up off his treads)

DOUG: How the hell did that work?

PHIL: Blitzwing only weighs about thirty-five pounds.

	HOT ROD: Not bad for an old-timer!
	KUP: Old timer?

DOUG: (Kup, senile) What’s that mean again? Who are you?

	HOT ROD: Save it, Kup!

SIPHER: Go to bed, old man!

	HOT ROD: Let’s burn rubber!
	(They transform and head to the city.)

DOUG: So would they be riding to the danger zone?

SIPHER: I hate you.

DOUG: Whatever you say, mister “Van Boys II”.

	(Perceptor transforms. Close-up of his microscope lens adjusting)

PHIL: (leering) Oooh, she left the blinds open tonight…

PERCEPTOR: Ultra Magnus! A cursory evaluation of Decepticon capabilities indicates a distinct tactical deficiency!
ULTRA MAGNUS: In other words, Perceptor…

PHIL: We’re boned.

	MAGNUS: Springer! You and Arcee transform Autobot City! Perceptor-

DOUG: (Ogre) NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!

	BLURR: WhataboutmeMagnusmmhuhmmhuhIcanhelpIwannahelpwhat
aboutme?
MANGUS: Blurr, you can help me alert the others!

PHIL: I think everyone’s pretty much aware of the attack, Magnus, thank you.

	SPRINGER: Come on, Arcee, let’s go!
	ARCEE: But Hot Rod and Kup are still outside the city!
	(A red visor covers Arcee’s eyes. Shot from Arcee’s POV)

PHIL: Hey, she’s got Robo-Vision!

SIPHER: Kup has a 10+ in “Old”.

SPRINGER: They’ll have to take care of themselves, come on!
(They duck into a lower section of the city. Springer works on a one-handed pull-out control thingy. Arcee, however, struggles to pull out a larger control-thingy with two hands)

DOUG: Yeah, Springer takes the easy one to pull out. Nice.

	(Gears and pulleys and pistons)

SIPHER: Shouldn’t MegaMan be chasing a robot clown through all that?

(Springer and Arcee run along a floor that folds up under them, potentially crushing their legs)

PHIL: This escape route seems to have some design flaws.

	STARSCREAM: Pathetic fools! There’s no escape!
(Arcee and Springer run into a door, which closes behind them. Starscream then transforms and lands, even thought the door is closed)

SIPHER: That was kinda dumb, Starscream.

(Starscream notices the ceiling closing above him, and flies up, his leg getting caught in the closing ceiling)

SIPHER: And that was really dumb.

(Armor plating slides in to crush Starscream. He grimaces and aims his arm-blasters at his trapped foot and fires, freeing himself but damaging his leg. He rockets off)
	STARSCREAM: Aaaaaaugh my foot!

DOUG: You can see why the fangirls think he’s so dreamy.

PHIL: Mmm-hmm.

	(Shots of various gun emplacements revealing)

SIPHER: These are all just for show. To get ones that actually shoot you have to pay extra.

	(Megatron shoots at a closed door to no effect)
	MEGATRON: Breach their defenses!

PHIL: Gee, thanks, you’re a master tactician.

	(Shrapnel and Kickback fly to the doorway and start eating)
	KICKBACK: Delicious, eh Shrapnel?
	SHRAPNEL: A little heavy on the electrons, electrons.

DOUG: Beats eating at Hardee’s… (slight pause, then kinda unsure) Hardee’s.

	KUP: The Insecticons are in our way!
	HOT ROD: Wrong! They’re our way in!

SIPHER: Wrong! They’re way in our!... No, wait.

(Kickback’s head is crushed under Kup’s tires)

PHIL: (grimly) The lucky ones die first.

(Shot of beleaguered Autobot City from the air, with Decepticons flying all over the place)

DOUG: They should put out some citronella candles.

	BLASTER: Look out, shout! Owww!

SIPHER: (Silent Rip) Are you even tryin’ anymore?

	BLASTER: ‘Ey, Perceptor! What’s shakin’, other than this fortress?
PERCEPTOR: Blaster! Ultra Magnus sends orders to contact Optimus Prime on Moon Base One!

PHIL: And to ask where the hell Omega Supreme is!

	(Blaster transforms)
	BLASTER: Optimus Prime, do you read me?

DOUG: (Optimus) ‘Yello? Where you at? Nah, I’m kidding. Believe it or not, the Prime isn’t at home. You know what to do. (loud BEEP!)

	MEGATRON: Soundwave, jam that transmission!
	SOUNDWAVE: Rumble, Frenzy, Ravage, Ratbat, eject. Operation: interference.
	(The cassettes eject and transform. Both Frenzy and Rumble are red-and-black)

PHIL: That’s the fastest I’ve ever seen a Transformer get redecoed.

	(Rumble and Frenzy yank off the transmitter dish)

SIPHER: You can see why they needed Ratbat there.

	RUMBLE OR FRENZY: First we crack the shell, then we crack the nuts inside!

DOUG: Which one of them said that?

SIPHER: Ratbat.

DOUG: Oh... wait, what?

SIPHER: Ratbat likes nuts.

DOUG: (unsure) Oooh-kay.

	(The Decepticons hogpile Perceptor)
	PERCEPTOR: Run, Blaster!

PHIL: Okay!

	BLASTER: No way, two can play!
	(Blaster high-kicks Ravage away)

SIPHER: All I wanted was some baconnnnnnn…

BLASTER: Sic ‘em!
(Blaster opens his chest compartment and Steeljaw, Ramhorn, Eject and Rewind pop out, transforming. Eject bounces of Perceptor’s back to air-tackle Frenzy… then a SECOND Eject chases Ravage across the screen)

PHIL: How many Ejects are there?!

	PERCEPTOR: Do you think you got through to Prime?

SIPHER: I dunno… damn Verizon.

BLURR: WegotDecepticonsatthegatesDecepticonsintheairDecepticonsinsidethe wallsDecepticonsDecepticonsDecepticons!

SIPHER: (Blurr, as fast as possible) Yes we have no bananas we have no bananas today but we do have a lovely bunch of coconuts there they are all standing in a row!

(Springer and Arcee enter a room. Springer starts pushing a large rocket launcher to aim it out the window. Close-up of Arcee dragging Windcharger’s corpse in with her)

PHIL: Weekend at Windcharger’s.

	(Shot of dead Windcharger and Wheeljack dead on the ground)

DOUG: (psychotically cheery) EVEN KITTENS DIE, CHILDREN!

	SPRINGER: … and we gotta push back!
	(Kup and Hot Rod enter)
	KUP: Keep at it Springer my boy, help’s at hand!
	(Shot of the Autobots pushing from behind)
	KUP: Together now!

SIPHER: (nervously) Whhhhhhhhhhhy does Arcee have a slot on her butt?

	ARCEE: I was afraid you’d be trapped outside the city!

PHIL: And by “afraid” I mean “delighted”.

	ARCEE: Then… you probably didn’t understand the situation.

DOUG: It’s a situation revelation!

	KUP: That did it.

DOUG: (Kup) The feng shui is perfect. Now where’s that cat poster?

	(Daniel climbs up a ladder and looks out the window)
	MEGATRON: Constructicons, merge for the kill!
	DANIEL: Kup, Hot Rod, look!

PHIL: (Daniel) There’s Decepticons outside!

	KUP: Devastator.
	
SIPHER: (Kup) I hardly knew ‘er.	

	(Devastator is formed)
	DEVASTATOR: Prepare for extermination.
	(Devastator crushes a moving gun turret)

DOUG: (Devastator) That noise was annoying me.

	SPRINGER: I got better things to do tonight than die!

ALL: We don’t!

(Springer fires the launcher. The rocket flies through the air and explodes against Devastator’s back)

SIPHER: (Concord) Message for you sir!

(They fire another rocket. Devastator pulls a piece of wall free and hurls it at the launcher-tower. Shot from inside the collapsing tower as the Autobots run)

DOUG: Somebody grab Danie- whoop, never mind.

	(More random shots of laser-fire across the city)

SIPHER: Pretty!

	(Time-lapse to a smoldering Autobot City in the morning)

PHIL: (Rooster caw)

	MEGATRON: Their defenses are broken! Let the slaughter begin!

SIPHER: We already did the slaughtering, sir!

DOUG: (Megatron, taken aback) Oh, okay. Lunch then?

SIPHER: Mexican?

DOUG: (Megatron) Cool.

	OPTIMUS: Dinobots! Destroy Devastator!
	GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock love challenge!

SIPHER: (Grimlock) Of the GoBots!

	(The Dinobots fly out of the shuttle towards the city)
	GRIMLOCK: Dinobots transform!
	(Devastator looks up with shock)

SIPHER: (Homsar/Mo-Ron) Dyaaaaaaaaaaaayuuuh!

	(Devastator picks up Sludge)

DOUG: (Grimlock) Dinobots fail!

	(Slag rams Devastator, pushing him into a wall… then walks away)

PHIL: Guys, I hear my mom calling, I gotta go.

	OPTIMUS: Megatron must be stopped… no matter the cost.
	(Opening organ notes to “The Touch” play)

DOUG: (singing) Here comes the bride…

	SONG: You got the powerrrrrrrrrrrrrr

SIPHER: ‘Cause you’re powering up the Power Block!

	SONG: Yeah!

SIPHER: (Randy Savage) Oh yeeah!

	(Prime, in truck mode, smashes into Thrust, sending him flying)

DOUG: Uh, does anyone here own a large red dog with a pointy hat?

	(There’s an explosion under Prime and he leaps into the air, transforming)

PHIL: That can’t be good for the suspension.

	(Prime lands and guns down some more Decepticons)

SIPHER: It’s Grand Theft Autobot!

DOUG: Oh, boo.

	(Megatron turns)
	MEGATRON: Prime!
OPTIMUS: One shall stand, one shall fall.

DOUG: (Optimus) And in the darkness, bind us.

	OPTIMUS: That’s a question you should ask yourself, Megatron.
MEGATRON: No! I’ll crush you with my bare hands!

PHIL: Mmmm. Fresh-squeezed Prime Juice.

SIPHER: It’s Cullenade!

DOUG: Augh.

	KUP: Stay away, lad! That’s Prime’s fight!

PHIL: Yeah, why do something that might actually win this battle?

DOUG: What, does Kup owe Optimus money or something?

	(Megatron hurls a piece of wreckage that pierces Prime’s side)

SIPHER: (strained) Kidney!

(Prime knocks Megatron backwards into a wall, knocking off the fusion cannon. Megatron reaches down, without looking, and grabs a knockoff lightsaber)

DOUG: Do I even want to know where he pulled that from?

	(Megatron slices Prime in the same area he was stabbed in)

SIPHER: (strained) Kidney again!

	(Long shot of Megatron and Prime facing off)

DOUG: (Darth Vader) Prime, I am your father… er, brother…

(Megatron sweep-kicks, but Prime jumps out of the way. When he lands, Megatron kicks him in the face)

PHIL: This is about more than destroying Autobot City, I think.

	MEGATRON: I’ll rip out your optics!
	(Prime grabs Megatron’s head with both hands)

DOUG: (Optimus) Kiss me.

	(Prime throws Megatron face-first into the ground)
	KUP: Finish him off, Prime! Do it now!

SIPHER: (Optimus, annoyed) Oh, is Matlock over? Glad you could join us, Kup. Putz.

	(Megatron notices a gun hidden from Prime’s view under some rubble)

PHIL: (Scooby-Doo) Aroo?

	MEGATRON: No more, Optimus Prime! Grant me mercy, I beg of you!

DOUG: (Optimus) What’s the safeword?

	OPTIMUS: …now plead for it? I thought you were made of sterner stuff.
	HOT ROD: No you don’t, Megatron!
	(Hot Rod leaps on Megatron)
	OPTIMUS: Out of the way, Hot Rod!!

PHIL: (Optimus) I got a bunch of idiots on my team!

(Megatron gets Hot Rod in a headlock and fires, hitting Prime in the same wound again and again)
	MEGATRON: Fall! Fall!!

SIPHER: (Optimus, crying as he’s shot) Why do you hate my kidney so much?

	(Megatron tosses Hot Rod aside)
	MEGATRON: I would have waited an eternity for this, Prime.

DOUG: Wouldn’t waiting for eternity mean it never happens?

	OPTIMUS: NEVER!!!
(Optimus swings, knocking Megatron off the ledge)

DOUG: (Goofy holler) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOEY!!!!

	(Prime grabs his side and staggers)

SIPHER: (Redd Foxx) uup! It’s th’ big one!

	HOT ROD: Optimus… forgive me…

PHIL: But they made me to replace you…

	STARSCREAM: How do you feel, mighty Megatron?

DOUG: Current mood: Dying. Current song: “November Rain”.

	MEGATRON: Don’t leave me, Soundwave…
	SOUNDWAVE: As you command, Megatron.
(Astrotrain transforms to train mode. Decepticons follow. Soundwave carries Megatron, with Rumble following behind carrying the fusion cannon)

SIPHER: (Soundwave) Bring him the sports section.

	ARCEE: The Decepticons are retreating!
	KUP: Prime did it! He turned the tide!

DOUG: No thanks to us!

	STARSCREAM: Astrotrain! Take off!

PHIL: (Starscream) Your pants!

	(Astrotrain rockets forward… and spins as he transforms to shuttle mode)

ALL: (Improv pain and “augh my head” “Get your foot outta my face”)

(Shot of Kup watching an EKG or somesuch. Daniel is behind him and staring RIGHT at Kup’s ass)

PHIL: (Daniel) Man, Kup’s got a great butt.

	(Perceptor in microscope mode scans Optimus Prime)

SIPHER: (Perceptor) I have concluded that this is Optimus Prime.

	PERCEPTOR: I fear the wounds are… fatal.

DOUG: (cheerfully) ‘Course, I’m not a doctor or anything, so…

	(Kup turns to the rest of the crowd)

PHIL: (Oldy McOld) Huh? Where’s my soup?

	DANIEL: Prime, you can’t die!
	(Prime’s eyes narrow)

SIPHER: (Optimus) Thanks for sitting around and watching while Megatron kicked my butt, guys.

	OPTIMUS: …I shall be one with the Matrix.
	HOT ROD: Prime…
	OPTIMUS: Ultra Magnus… it is to you, old friend…

DOUG: (Optimus) Who we’ve never seen before…

	OPTIMUS: I shall pass the Matrix of Leadership… as it was passed to me.
	MAGNUS: But Prime… I’m… just a soldier.

DOUG: (Unfrozen caveman lawyer) Your Matrix of Leadership frightens and confuses me.

OPTIMUS: … but one day…an Autobot shall rise from our ranks… and use the power of the Matrix… to light our darkest hour.

PHIL: (Optimus) So keep it warm for him.

	(Optimus opens his chest, and we see the Matrix. Close-up on it)

DOUG: Oh, you put the light in the coconut.

	(Optimus takes the Matrix from his chest)
	OPTIMUS: Until the day… ‘til all are one…
	(Optimus drops it)

SIPHER: (Optimus) Catch.

(Everyone reaches to catch it. Hot Rod manages to grab it, and holds it up, and everything glows blue)

DOUG: Is there a five-second-rule for the Matrix?

	(Magnus puts the Matrix in his chest… and then again)

SIPHER: Let’s look at the instant replay!

	(Shot of a life-sign monitor. On the second pass, the yellow meter stops)

PHIL: Oh no, he’s running out of yellow!

	(Kup walks over to the group)

SIPHER: (Old) Where’s my pills?

	(Optimus’ eyes begin to fade)

DOUG: (Optimus, weakly) I… see… pudding…

	(Optimus’ color fades to gray/black)

PHIL: Great, another Takara exclusive.

(Daniel drops his head and cries)

SIPHER: MENDOOOOOOZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FUN MSTF FACTS!

The MSTF crew were originally slated to heckle the BotCon 2005 exclusive dinner script-reading.

Until the Dobson brothers broke Sipher’s collarbone, put Doug into a coma and smashed Phil’s camera.

Into his FACE.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SKIT 2: CUT US OUT OF THE DVD, WILL YOU…
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Scene begins with Sipher and Doug in their approximately usual positions at the table.  But things aren't as usual, because Sipher’s upper body --torso and arms-- are wrapped up in aluminum foil, and Doug is standing on his chair with his fly open. (this was arranged during the bumper) )

PHIL:  Alright guys, let's... uhhh... (notices the weirdness) let's get ready for.... errr.... what the heck's going on?

SIPHER/DOUG:  (improv) What do you mean?  We're ready for the skit…

PHIL:  You're not ready.  You're not even you.  You're totally off your marks and look like freaks.

(Sipher and Doug glance at each other incredulously.)

SIPHER:  ....nooo, we're going at this exactly like we've always been.  Besides, you should know better than to say that people can look like freaks.  Sometimes the most extraordinary freaks are the people who look outwardly normal.  (points at Phil)

PHIL:  (un-amused) Ha ha.  Seriously guys, we've been doing these panels for like ten years now and have already done the movie twice before, and I've never seen you looking like this.

DOUG:  Oh, Phil, haven't you heard?  This is the Remastered Edition of our panel.  We've actually always looked like this.  You just couldn't see until now.

PHIL:  ....what?

DOUG:  The Remastered Edition.  See, it turns out there were always a lot of visual defects, lighting problems, and general scuzziness getting between us and our audiences.  So we went back and remastered ourselves-

SIPHER: (snorts out a giggle)

DOUG:  Ahem.  We've removed all that was standing in the way, and now people have a chance to see our panel the way it was always meant to be seen.

PHIL:  Uh... huh.  So what does that have to do with you being up on that chair?

DOUG:  It's exactly the point!  All these past years I was out of the frame!  Most people could barely see me and they thought it was because I was sitting at the table.  Turned out our cameras were just cutting most of me out of the picture.  As it happens I am extremely tall!

(Sipher, holding a flashlight under the table in his lap, turns it on so the light reflects off his tinfoil shirt in a hopefully dazzling display)

PHIL:  Damn!  Sipher, what--you're killing my eyes here!  What are you doing?

SIPHER:  Sorry man, I can't help it if the Remastered Version has color contrast so hellaciously boosted and brightened that you can even see it when you're looking in the other direction.  This is how I was always meant to look--and it's fabulous!  See how BRIGHT I am!  BEHOLD MY HYPERCOLORED GLORY!

(More flashlight reflections off his foil-y body)

PHIL:  I can't believe after all these years I'm only now noticing--

(Walky walks on-stage.  He has a knife sticking out of his chest and gruesome bloodstains on his shirt)

PHIL:  OH MY GOD!  Walky--you... you've been stabbed!  Are you okay?

WALKY:  Nice of you to finally notice.  Actually no, I'm not okay.  But I'm used to it.  The knife has been there since 1998.  Since the first day you met me.

PHIL:  (mouth agape) ........

WALKY:  Perhaps I should explain.  I was actually stabbed many years ago, off-camera.  Nobody ever saw it, and the real world's margins and contrast never made it obvious.  But now that this Remastered Panel is showing everything we never knew was there--

PHIL:  --right, I get it.  So, uh.  (Clearly struggling with a delicate question) How has being Remastered effected your life?

WALKY:  It's shocking.  It's really taught me who my friends are.

(Walky glares around meaningfully at the first row of guests.  Some of #WiiGii! gets up and walks out in protest)

WALKY:  YOU GUYS SUCK!  I thought you were my friends!  It was never a big deal before--I can't help it if I'm Remastered!

PHIL:  I can't believe all the new hidden revelations we're getting from this Remastered panel.  Like... oh, now, check it out!  All this time Doug's fly was open and nobody ever had a clue!

DOUG:  Say what now?

PHIL:  Your fly is open.  Your fly has been open for ten years.

(Doug squirms uncomfortably away from audience, zips up)

PHIL:  (pause) Or not!

DOUG:  No, no, that, uh, this is now the RE-Remastered edition of this panel.

PHIL:  Whatever.

DOUG:  That'll be $19.95, please.

SIPHER: Cha-ching!

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MSTF Presents:

LITTLE-KNOWN TRANSFORMERS MERCHANDISE

Item No. 70: The 1986 Commemorative Stan Bush

(picture of a bush with some lasers shooting out from behind it)

(screen goes blank after a few seconds)

… what?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

	(Unicron watches Prime die on his video monitors)

SIPHER: (incredulous) I can’t believe it, this movie is its own re-run!

	(Unicron howls in rage)

DOUG: (Unicron) THIS MAKES ME WANT TACOS!!

	ASTROTRAIN: Jettison some weight or I’ll never make it to Cybertron!
STARSCEAM: Fellow Decepticons! Astrotrain has requested that we lighten our burden!

PHIL: (blurted out) Mom made me wear a dress!

	BONECRUSHER: …it is survival of the fittest!
	STARSCREAM: Do I hear a second on that?

PHIL: Howard Johnson is right!

	STARSCREAM: And against?
	DAMAGED DECEPTICONS: Nay!
	STARSCREAM: They ayes have it!

SIPHER: (Frontier gibberish) RAVID!

	(The Decepticons start pushing the wounded out the side door)
	SOMEONE: GIT!

PHIL: (whimpering) Can’t Soundwave just transform into a tape deck? Those only weigh about a pound!

	(Starscream carries Megatron to the hatch)
	STARSCREAM: Oh, how it pains me to do this!
	MEGATRON: Wait! I still function!
	STARSCREAM: Wanna bet?
	(Starscream releases Megatron into the void of space)

DOUG: (Goofy holler) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOEY!!!!

	STARSCREAM: Well, as Megatron has, how shall we say, departed…
	(The Decepticons look at each other)

SIPHER: “Departed”, right?

	STARSCREAM: I nominate myself as the new leader!
SCRAPPER: Wait! The Constructicons form Devastator! The most powerful robot!

PHIL: With the brain of a border collie!

	SOUNDWAVE: Soundwave superior. Constructicons inferior.
	BONECRUSHER: Who are you calling inferior?!
	HOOK: Nobody would follow an uncharismatic boor like you!

DOUG: (Hook) You even got dropped from the live-action movie for a new guy!

	FRENZY: Yeah, let’s kick tailgate!
	SCRAPPER: Constructicons, unite!
	(They do)

SIPHER: Astrotrain sure got roomy fast.

	RUMBLE & FRENZY: No way!
	(The two pound the floor with their piledrivers)

PHIL: Ooooh, they just lost Astrotrain’s vote.

	(There is fighting aplenty inside Astrotrain)

DOUG: So why doesn’t he just threaten to dump them all out into space as blackmail so he can be leader?

	(Megatron and the broken Deceps drift towards Unicron)
	UNICRON: Meagtron…

SIPHER: (Unicron) Can I have a glass of water?

	UNICRON: Welcome, Megatron.

DOUG: (Unicron) To the Intergalactic House of Pancakes.

	(Megatron clings to Unicron’s horn to keep from being blown away)

PHIL: Lithone must have been tiny.

	MEGATRON: Who… who said that?
	UNICRON: I… am Unicron.

SIPHER: (Sinistar) BE-WARE! I! LIVE! RUN COWARD!

	UNICRON: I have summoned you here for a purpose.
	MEGATRON: Nobody summons Megatron!

DOUG: (Megatron) And they don’t (sniffle, starts crying) ever invite me to any parties!

	MEGATRON: State your business!
	UNICRON: This is my command.

SIPHER: (Unicron) Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame-seed bun.

	UNICRON: It is the one thing… the only thing… that can stand in my way.
MEGATRON: You have nothing to fear! I have already crushed Optimus Prime with my bare hands!

PHIL: And laser sword and gun and chunk of rock …

	MEGATRON: The point is he’s dead! And the Matrix died with him!
	UNICRON: No, the point is you are a fool.

DOUG: (Unicron) And I want a cheeseburger.

UNICRON: …the Matrix has been passed to their new leader, Ultra Magnus. Destroy it for me.
	MEGATRON: Why should I? What’s in it for me?

PHIL: (Unicron) I have candy.

UNICRON: But very well. I will provide you with a new body. And new troops to command.
	MEGATRON: And?
	UNICRON: And nothing. You belong to me, now.
	MEGATRON: I belong to nobody!

DOUG: (Megatron) I can’t be legally sold in the United States!

	UNICRON: Proceed… on your way to oblivion.
	MEGATRON: NOOOOOO!!!!

SIPHER: (Lucille Ball) RICKYYYYY!

MEGATRON: I accept your terms! I acceeeeeept!!! Noooooooo!!!!

PHIL: Good to see Megatron go out with grace and dignity, huh?

	UNICRON: Excellent.
	(X-ray view of Megatron)

SIPHER: Hey, check it out, no spine!

PHIL: No brain either!

DOUG: No delicious, succulent spleen! (Hannibal-Lectery saliva-heavy lip-smacking noises)

	UNICRON: Behold, Galvatron! And these… shall be your minions.

SIPHER: These fabulous minions can be yours, if the price is right!

ALL: (crowd noises and applause)

	UNICRON: Scourge, the tracker… and his huntsmen… the Sweeps.

DOUG: Hap-py birthday!

UNICRON: Cyclonus… the warrior. And his armada.

PHIL: Let the arguments over who’s who begin!

	UNICRON: And this… shall be your ship. No go…

SIPHER: (Unicron) I want some Cherry Garcia.

GALVATRON: I will rip open Ultra Magnus, and every other Autobot,

DOUG: (Galvatron) Until I find that Golden Wonka Ticket!

	(Galvatron uses his cannon to propel himself to the ship)
	GALVATRON: To Cybertron!
	
PHIL: Man, why’s the seat so far up? Who was driving this last?

	UNICRON: Destroy the Matrix.

DOUG: (Unicron) And bring me some Honey Baked Ham.

(Cybertron. Horns play as Astrotrain ties to put a crown on Starscream’s head, interrupting)
	STARSCREAM: Get on with the ceremony!

PHIL: MAWWIAGE. TWUE WUV.

(The horns interrupt again. Starscream fires a shot, blasting off the ends of the trumpets)

SIPHER: But, we gotta play Taps in about two minutes!

STARSCREAM: My fellow Decepticons! As your new leader, I-

DOUG: -am Batman.

	STARSCREAM: Who disrupts my coronation?!

SIPHER: Dustin Hoffman?

GALVATRON: Coronation, Starscream? This is bad comedy.

ALL: Carlos Mencia?

	GALVATRON: Here’s a hint!
	(Galvatron fires. Starscream writhes as the energies consume him)

DOUG: (Starscream) Is your guy Fraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanz…

(The energy dissipates and Starscream crumbles to dust. His crown tumbles down the stairs)

PHIL: ‘Scream gunned down and broke his crown.

	(Galvatron crushes the crown underfoot)
	GALVATRON: Will anyone else attempt to fill his shoes?
RUMBLE: What did he say his name was?

SIPHER: (in time to cover up Galvatron’s reply) Batman.

	DECEPTICONS: ALL HAIL-

ALL: (in time to cover up “Galvatron”) BATMAN!

	(Cybertron space. Unicron shows up)
	JAZZ: Where’d that come from?

PHIL: It’s stamped “MADE IN MACAU”…

CLIFFJUMPER: Who cares, I’m more worried about where it’s going!

SIPHER: (Casey Kasem) And I also want to know what happened to the pictures I was supposed to see this week!

	JAZZ: Talk to me, Earth!
	(Shot of Earth)

DOUG: (jolly old Santa-like voice) Helloooo, Jazz! This is the Eaaarrrrth!

	JAZZ: Roger me!

SIPHER: (laughing) Excuse me?!

BLASTER : I’m pickin’ up a faint signal!
JAZZ: This is Jazz! A gi-normous, weird-lookin’ planet just showed up in the suburbs of Cybertron!
CLIFFJUMPER: And it’s attacking Moon Base One!
	(Shot of Unicron chowing down on the moon)

PHIL: (Cookie-Monster-like frantic eating noises)

	JAZZ: Got to blast free, if we can!
	CLIFFJUMPER: Ignition and…

SIPHER: (Tyrese) BRING IT!!!

	(The ship takes off but the engines sputter)
CLIFFJUMPER: Jazz! We’re not getting away!

SIPHER: And I gotta talk about a damn dog dying!!!

	SPIKE: This is Spike and Bumblebee, up here on Moon Base Two!

DOUG: And this is one of our favorite songs!

	BUMBLEBEE: …just ripped the first moon to shreds!
	SPIKE: And it’s heading this way!
BUMBLEBEE: We’ll try and slow it down!
SPIKE: But you’d better get here fast because we’re not gonna-

PHIL: (saying, not singing) Take it! No! We ain’t gonna take it!

	SPIKE: Bumblebee, activate the explosives!
	(Bumblebee fiddles with cables)

SIPHER: Sorry, I was fixing the septic tank…

	BUMBLEBEE: The explosives are activated! Let’s get outta here!

DOUG: (singing) I wouldn’t like to live on the moon…

	(Bumblebee and Spike run as Unicron looms closer)
	BUMBLEBEE: Hurry! It’s gonna blow!

PHIL: The first half-hour sure did!

	(The shuttle rockets off. Unicron begins chowing down on the moon)

SIPHER: (Unicron) Mmmmmm, buttery.

	(The moon explodes)

DOUG: (mock Italian) Oooh, dat’s-a spicy meat-balla!

	(Bumblebee is tossed around as the ship shakes)

PHIL: (disapprovingly) They didn’t put Bumblebee in his child seat.

	BUMBLBEE: Look!
	SPIKE: It isn’t even dented! Oh, shit, what are we gonna do now?

SIPHER: Language! Who are you, Shia LeBouf?

	BUMBLEBEE: We’re being sucked into it!!

DOUG: “Suck” sure seems to be a recurring theme…

	GALVATRON: How dare Unicron! Cybertron and all its moons belong to me!
	(The screen goes red and shrieking noises as Unicron tortures Galvatron)

PHIL: Augh, a Yoko Ono song!

	SCOURGE: But remember, we belong to him.
GALVATRON: I… belong… to nobody!

SIPHER: (Galvatron) Everybody… hates me! Think I’ll… go eat worms!

	(Galvatron tumbles down the dais)
	GALVATRON: I will obey… Unicron… 

DOUG: (strained) I’ll get the beef roast you wanted…

	(The torment stops)
	GALVATRON: Decepticons, to Earth!

SIPHER: (Buzz Lightyear) And beyond!

	(On Earth)
MAGNUS: Autobots, prepare to board the shuttles! This new menace is more dangerous than all the Decepticons put together.

PHIL: Kinky!

DANIEL: But what about my dad? He’s on the moon between that monster planet and Cybertron!
	MAGNUS: Daniel,

DOUG: (Magnus) Men don’t cry, they only get stronger.

SPRINGER: And what are we gonna do when we get there? That thing crunches moons, it’ll make short work of us!
	MAGNUS: Maybe the Matrix can stop it.

SIPHER: That’s your answer to everything.

	HOT ROD: I just got this feeling…
	SPRINGER: (pointing in the air) Look!

SIPHER: Sir, droids!

	(Cyclonus and the Sweeps open fire on the Autobots)
	MAGNUS: To the shuttles!

ALL: To the shuttles! (toast)

	GALVATRON: I, Galvatron, shall crush you just as Megatron crushed Prime!

DOUG: And I, Ultra Magnus, will get crushed like… no, wait, let me try that again!

	(Cyclonus takes a hit)
	GALVATRON: Uhn! Autobot scrap!
	SCOURGE: You want me to gut Ultra Magnus?

PHIL: (snarling sarcastic) No, I was thinking we’d invite him to share these divine strudels Cyclonus made, you jackass.

	(Arcee and Daniel outrun some laser-fire)
	ARCEE: Stay close to me Daniel!

PHIL: Hold me closer, tiny Daniel!

	(Cyclonus strafes them, and Arcee pulls Hot Rod out of the way)
ARCEE: No, you better stay close to me.

SIPHER: Suddenly Susan Blu.

DOUG: You’re really pushing it.

	(Blurr tries to cajole the Dinobots into a shuttle, I’m not typing this all out)

DOUG: (As Blurr runs back behind Grimlock) One word. Ritalin.

	BLURR: ….nicedinogooddinosweetdino!
	GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock not nice dino… me bash brains!

SIPHER: (Grimlock) Out of Gundam kits!

(Grimlock breathes fire at Cyclonus as he strafes the Dinobots. Galvatron, inside Cyclonus’ cockpit, shakes his fist at them)

DOUG: (Muttley) Razza-frazza-razza…

	(Two Sweeps make an approach. Grimlock and Sludge toast them)

PHIL: (As one of the Sweeps flies in flames, before it explodes, kinda high-pitched and oddly cheery) I regret nothinnnng!

	MAGNUS: Blurr, get the Dinobots in the shuttle!

SIPHER: One – You cut hole in a shuttle.

	BLURR: (more stuff I’m not typing)
	MAGNUS: Okay, forget it.

DOUG: Ditch ‘em.

	MAGNUS: Kup, Hot Rod, you guys get the Dinobots aboard and get out of here!

PHIL: I’m sick of looking at you!

	(Hot Rod lassos Grimlock)

SIPHER: (singing) Rollin’ rollin’ rollin’, though the Sweeps are trollin’, keep them dinos rollin’, rawhiiiiiiiiiide…

KUP: This reminds me of the battle on Alpha Nine, the petro-rabbits were--Grimlock, get your noodle out of my face!

SIPHER: (Grimlock) Me Grimlock love noodles!

	KUP: You’re living one now. Engage the boosters, for Cybertron’s sake!
GRIMLOCK: Tell Grimlock about petro-rabbits again!

DOUG: Well, they don’t play soccer, but they can dance.

SIPHER: (Rabbid) DHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

	(Hot Rod & Kup’s shuttle takes off)
	SPRINGER: Looks like we’re shipmates, squirt!
	DANIEL: All right!
	SPRINGER: But if you get space-sick, you’re gonna walk home!

PHIL: (jovially) Hahahahah (suddenly menacing) I mean it kid, you get one drop of your vile fluids on me and I swear they’re gonna be hosing you off the side of this shuttle.

	MAGNUS: Hurry!
	(The thrusters flare up)
	DANIEL: Wait, Ultra Magnus! Arcee is still out there!

PHIL: What, was she in the bathroom re-applying her lipstick?

DOUG: She needed new shoes for the trip!

	(Arcee grabs the ramp. Springer gets a hold of her hand and pulls her up)

PHIL: Wait, I forgot my purse!

	ARCEE: Thanks.
	DANIEL: That was close!
	SPRINGER: Believe it or not, this is the fun part!

DOUG: Yeah, pretty soon Wheelie shows up!

	MAGNUS: Congratulations, Autobots, we’ve lost them.

SIPHER: Somehow.

	MAGNUS: So rest while you can!

PHIL: Hey, should we have left Blaster alone in that decimated city with all those killer Decepticons?

DOUG: (nonchalantly) Surrre.

	GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock know all about wipers,

SIPHER: Eyuw.

	SWOOP: Good part, Kup! Tell Swoop good part!
	KUP: Okay, okay.

SIPHER: So, she had a rack out to here, man, and-

KUP: …this gigantic Ickyak, came tromping and stomping down the mountain, flame spewing out of its nostrils, and I thought for sure…
(Hot Rod is dueling an auto-combatant drone)
HOT ROD: Hey Kup, don’t you think we have better things to do now than tell old stories?
KUP: Like what?

PHIL: Like figuring out who this guy attacking me is!

GRIMLOCK: No! Tell story!
(Dinobots all demand the story. The auto-combatant sucker-punches Hot Rod. Hot Rod strangles it)
AUTO-COMBATANT: Time out time out time out!

DOUG: (Crime Globe) Now dig this!

	(Galvatron inside the Decepticon starship)

SIPHER: Hey, thanks for leaving that lone Autobot back on Earth for us, guys! We had a lot of fun killing him slowly!

	HOT ROD: They’re closing on us!
	KUP: Yep, like the shrike-bats of Dromedon!
	HOT ROD: How’d you beat them?

DOUG: Like a red-headed step-child.

KUP: …there were an awful lot of casualties that day… Oh yeah, we inverted polarities!

PHIL: So Kup is attracted to guys now?

HOT ROD: They’re coming back!
(The missiles turn back and explode in front of the ship. The explosions make some very strange noises)

SIPHER: Grimlock, now’s not the time to be playing with your musical saw!

	HOT ROD: All right, we survived that!
	KUP: Yeah, but will we survive this?!

ALL: IT’S THE END OF THE FRANCHISE!!!

	GALVATRON: Cyclonus! Transform, and attack!

DOUG: You know what’d make this scene better?

PHIL: What?

DOUG: “Yakkity Sax”.

PHIL: I dunno.

SIPHER: (does a very plodding, thudding rendition of Yakkity Sax in the same vein as the current score)

PHIL: Hmmmm. No.

	KUP: I can’t control it!

DOUG: (Kup) Thank goodness for Depends!

	HOT ROD: We’re gonna crash!

DOUG: Like The View without Rosie? (awkward as Phil & Sipher look at him) Not that… I… watch….

	SPRINGER: Kup and Hot Rod just bought it!

PHIL: I think! They keep switching our shuttles’ colors around! Maybe we just bought it!

SPRINGER: Face it, Magnus! The Decepticons are gonna dog us until they see us dead!
MAGNUS: Then that’s exactly what they’re gonna see.

SIPHER: Because I have no idea how to fly this thing.

	MAGNUS: What choice do we have?
	(The very front of the shuttle detaches)

PHIL: Jeez, what’s in the other eighty percent of that ship?

DOUG: The Deployers.

PHIL: Oh.

	(The Decepticon ship closes in, firing more missiles)

DOUG: I’m telling you, “Yakkity Sax” would really make this scene.

SIPHER: Dun-dun-

PHIL: STOP.

	(The shuttle explodes)

SIPHER: The Eye of Sauron!

	SCOURGE: The Autobots have been terminated.
	GALVATRON: Excellent. And the Matrix… with them.
	(The red-light screechy torment begins)
	GALVATRON: Aaaugh! Unicron! Why?!

PHIL: (Unicron) You forgot my Cherry Garcia.

	(The head of the Autobot shuttle flies away)
	ARCEE: Did we have to let them detonate three-quarters of the ship?

SIPHER: Shut up, Iris.

SPRINGER: Seeing as how they would have detonated four quarters, I think it was a good choice.
ARCEE: Now how are we going to get there in this wreck?

SIPHER: You hear me? I tell you shut up.

PERCEPTOR: Gamma waves in this sector of space create marginal navigational probabilities…
(Magnus is very bored)

PHIL: Did we leave the oven on?

	PERCEPTOR: The Planet of Junk is in this vicinity!
	MAGNUS: Then let’s go for it!

DOUG: (Tyrese) BRING IT!!!

	(Quintessa. Shitty music starts)

SIPHER: Man, we could have had “Barracuda” by Heart here, but noooooooo, we hadda get Spectre Frickin’ General.

	(Hot Rod, tangled in metal seaweed, is being attacked by metal barracudas)
	HOT ROD: Kup! Grimlock! Slag! Anybody!

PHIL: (Silly high-pitched gravelly fish-voice as Hot Rod comes into view) Hey, we caught something!

DOUG: (Same voice) Look at the size of it!

SIPHER: (Same voice) Yup, it’s a whopper, all right!

(Hot Rod retracts his hand to reveal a buzzsaw. He slices through a couple of barracuda)

DOUG: He’ll make a hell of a teppenyaki chef.

	KUP: Hot Rod! Help me!

PHIL (Kup) The soundtrack! It hurrrts!

	(Hot Rod transforms)

SIPHER: (singing) Supercaaaaaar…

	HOT ROD: Kup!
(We see Kup being attacked by a giant robotic squid)

PHIL: It’s Kiss Players!

	(The squid tries to grab Hot Rod)

SIPHER: (agent voice) Buddy, buddyyyy, c’mere, I love ya, I’ll book ya in Iowa…

	(Hot Rod chops off a tentacle)

SIPHER: (agent voice) Oh, want a bigger cut huh? Buddyyyy…

	(Hot Rod blasts the squid in the eye)

DOUG: If thy squid’s eye offends thee…

	(The squid roars and drops Hot Rod, squirting ink into the water to escape)

PHIL: Hey, the colorist for the Megatron Origins book!

	(Hot Rod picks up Kup)
	HOT ROD: Kup… talk to me!
	KUP: Pffffff… fix me!

SIPHER: (Kup) I can’t have another litter of puppies!

PHIL: … eyuw.

DOUG: (making sure to wait for audience reaction to the last joke to end) Well, it’s a good thing Hot Rod has that saw…

ALL: (pained reactions, with Doug going “why did I say that?!” somewhere in there)

	SONG: Nothin’s gonna stand in our way! Not tonight!

SIPHER: Maybe Thursday!

	(Magnus’ shuttle approaches Junk)
	MAGNUS: Brace for impact!

SIPHER: (Leslie Nielson) I just want to tell you both good luck, we’re all counting on you.

	(Arcee hits the wall)

DOUG: Whoop, she’s dead.

	(The ship skids to a halt)

PHIL: Thank you for flying Northwest.

SIPHER: (Leslie Nielson) I just want to tell you both good luck, we’re all counting on you.

	(Magnus picks himself up)
	MAGNUS: Say something… anybody!

DOUG: (blurts out) KUMQUAT!

	SPRINGER: Remind me to give the auto-pilot a raise.
	ARCEE: Daniel?
	DANIEL: I-I’m okay.
	(Ultra Magnus picks up a welding torch)

SIPHER: (menacingly) We’ll see about that.

	MAGNUS: Let’s try to salvage this thing.
	DANIEL: Can I help too?
	SPRINGER: It’s rough out there kid.

DOUG: Ooh baby baby it’s a wild world.

SIPHER: (does the guitar riff)

	ARCEE: It was Spike’s Exo-Suit!
	DANIEL: Dad’s Exo-Suit, he told me all about it!
	ARCEE: Here, try it on!

PHIL: Just gotta wipe out the skull fragments first… oh, and ignore that smell.

	ARCEE: Now try to walk. Come on, you can do it.

SIPHER: (spoken, not sung) Wasn’t me she was foolin’, ‘cause she knew what she was doin’ when she told me how to walk this way.

PHIL: Uh, yeah.

SIPHER: She told me to.

	SPRINGER: Just think about what you want to do before you do it!

DOUG: Like Hasbro should have before greenlighting this thing.

	ARCEE: Keep practicing, you’ll get the hang of it!
	MAGNUS: Come on, showtime’s, over, we’ve got work to do!

PHIL: Stuff the kid in the trunk and let’s go.

	DANIEL: This must be the junk capitol of the universe!

ALL: eBay?

(Junkions pop out of the ground, unnoticed by the Autobots)
WRECK-GAR: Stop thief! No welcome wagon hello-stranger with that good coffee flavor for you!

DOUG: (Eric Idle) Wink wink, nudge nudge!

	WRECK-GAR: Offer expires while you wait. Operators are standing by.

SIPHER: Well, that sure undercut the menace of the scene…

	(Back on Quintessa. Hot Rod is fixing Kup)

PHIL: (rapidly) Ow ow ow ow OW ow ow OW…

	HOT ROD: That does it. Well, what do you think?

SIPHER: (Kup) Angela Lansbury’s a hottie.

	KUP: Of all the circuit-glitched diode-blowin’ dimwittery… you left a piece out!

DOUG: Well, you asked me to fix you!

	KUP: Anyway, all things considered, you did an amazing job, lad. Amazing!
	HOT ROD: Really?
	KUP: Yeah, you even got rid of a nasty burr in my rotator!

PHIL: (Kup) Now about my ablutions…

(Kup and Hot Rod transform and drive a very short distance before transforming back to robot mode)
	(Allicons rise from the water)
	KUP: Don’t act hostile! I’ll use the Universal Greeting!

SIPHER: I have candy!

KUP: Watch. I’ll have ‘em eating out of my hand! (to the Allicons) Bah weep graghnaah weep ninni-bong!

DOUG: (monster voice) WHAT did you say about my momma?!

	ALLICONS: Bah weep graghnaah weep ninni-bong!

SIPHER: So which one is Hawk and which is Animal?

KUP: See? The Universal Greeting works every time! Now, without making any sudden moves, offer them an energon goodie.

DOUG: (gangsta) Yo, Dong Dong, man. Ding Dong. Ding Dong, yo.

	HOT ROD: This is getting expensive!
	KUP: Don’t worry, they’ll reciprocate!

SIPHER: That sounds dirrrrrty.

	(The Allicons motion for more)
	HOT ROD: I thought they were supposed to reciprocate! No more!
	(The Allicons go silent)
	KUP: Empty! (chucks his goodie box over his shoulder)
	(The Allicons transform and attack)

PHIL: Hm. It went like this for that crack dealer last week, too.

	(Wheelie follows as the Allicons bring the Autobots into a building)

SIPHER: Welp, they’re toast! I’m Audi.

	KUP: Reminds me of the knighted (?) slave mines on Golganath 7.
	HOT ROD: Every place reminds you of someplace else.

DOUG: (Kup) It does? Who are you?

	HOT ROD: Lotta good it’s done us so far.
	KUP: Hey, what’s goin’ on over there?

SIPHER: Plot cul-de-sac.

	PROSECUTOR: …reached a verdict?
	(Shot of the Judge)

PHIL: (shrieking) KICKER KICKER OUR PLANETS KICKER!

	JUDGE: Innocent.
	PROSECUTOR: Feed him to the Sharkticons.
	(Shot of the Executor flipping the switch)

SIPHER: So, like every time then, boss? Gee, thanks.

	HOT ROD: We have got to get a new travel agent.

PHIL: That’s what I get for booking with “Certain Doom Travel Lines”.

	(The Autobots are pushed into a cel)
	HOT ROD: What is this place?

DOUG: Judging by the executions, Texas.

KRANIX: The world of the savage Sharkticons, and their cruel masters, the Quintessons. I am Kranix.

SIPHER: Sorry about the mess, I kinda live out of my cell.

	HOT ROD: Who’s Unicron?
	KRANIX: A planet that devours everything in its path.

DOUG: The Orson Welles jokes are unavoidable.

	(Guards grab Kranix)
	KRANIX: No, please! I’m the last survivor of Lithone!

PHIL: (nonchalantly) Don’t worry, your animation models will show up all over the place in the next season of the show.

	PROSECUTOR: Soon, you too shall receive your sentence.

SIPHER: (Prosecutor) Kranix, you are charged with trafficking in clunky exposition.

	JUDGE: I have.
	PROSECUTOR: Guilty or innocent?
KRANIX: Spare me this mockery of justice!

DOUG: (Throwing an arm into the air dramatically, all Master Thespian) ACTING!

SIPHER: GENIUS!

DOUG: THANK YOU!

	JUDGE: Innocent.
	(Close-up as Kranix looks shocked)

DOUG: Why are you surprised?

	(Kranix falls)

PHIL: My special Lithonian! There’s no other like it!

	(Kranix splashes into the drink)

DOUG: (evil) Now there is not even one like it!

	KUP: Not the end I’d wish for, lad.

DOUG: (Kup) I wanted to be stuffed and mounted, suplexing a cougar.

(Swoop flies overhead. We see the other Dinobots below)

ALL: (Sipher – Grimlock, Phil – Sludge, Doug – Slag, improv along these lines) Snipe? Snipe! Here snipe!

	(Swoop lands)
	SWOOP: Me Swoop no see nothing!
	GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock positive Hot Rod and Kup close!

SIPHER: (Grimlock) Me smell Ben Gay and hard candy!

	(Grimlock tail-swipes Slag, preventing him from stepping into a spike pit)
	GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock say you full of cesium salami!
	SLAG: Beryllium baloney!!

DOUG: Quick, call the Lunchables Brigade!

	GRIMLOCK: Who say that?
	(Wheelie climbs up Sludge’s neck and sits on his head)

DOUG: (Wheelie) Here I claim this head for Spain!

	WHEELIE: You go wrong way, you fool I say!
	GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock fool?

PHIL: (Wheelie) Not to be crass, but your head’s up-

DOUG & SIPHER: HEY.

	GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock no like you!
	(Grimlock knocks Wheelie to the ground. Wheelie pulls out a slingshot)

SIPHER: Listen up you primitive screw-heads.

	(Wheelie lets loose with a firestone)

SIPHER: This is my boom-stick!!

	GRIMLOCK: Why boy hit my nose?

PHIL: WhY mY SHoUldERs HuRt?

	GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock say we on our way!

DOUG: Let’s us get on our way.

SIPHER: Yeah.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PRIZE TIME!!!

Everybody check under your seat to see who wins a guest appearance in next year’s MSTF presentation of the live action movie!

(long pause)

Boy, you guys look dumb.

(A winner is you!)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SKIT 3: WE HAVE NO SHAME
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Sipher, Phil and Doug are in doctor’s scrubs. There is something under a sheet in front of them.)

ANNOUNCER: It’s time once again for Cybertronian Hospital, the continuing storrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry of a crank who’s gone botty.

SIPHER: So who’s our next patient?

(He removes the blanket to reveal a headless Fortress Maximus)

PHIL: It’s Fortress Maximus!

SIPHER: It can’t be!

DOUG: Why?

SIPHER: Fort Max is taller!

(Everyone hams it up in the Muppet way)

DOUG: Doctor, be serious, can’t you see this patient is suffering?

PHIL: So’s the audience, but that’s never stopped us before!

(Muppet hammy reactions)

SIPHER: Let me guess, the patient is suffering from severe migraines. Get the anesthetic!

DOUG: No, Doctor Sipher, his head is missing!

SIPHER: I didn’t ask for a local anesthetic!

(Muppet hammy reactions)

PHIL: He’s right though, Cerebros is missing!

DOUG: I guess he decided to quit while he was a-head!

(Muppet hammy reactions)

PHIL: Or he wanted to get Spike out of his mind.

(Muppet hammy reactions)

SIPHER: Nurse Phil, prepare the patient for surgery!

PHIL: Wait, why am I a nurse in this bit?

SIPHER: Are you kidding? With our budget, we could never afford an appearance from Doctor Phil!

(mild Muppet hammy reactions)

DOUG: And he gets more laughs.

(Muppet hammy “ooooooooh” reactions)

(Sipher holds up a Megabolt toy in its head mode)

SIPHER: Don’t worry, this is just a temporary head until we find the real one.

DOUG: Sure he won’t mind?

SIPHER: How can he, he hasn’t got one right now!

(Muppet hammy reactions)

PHIL: We’ll find it soon enough, it’s got to be in this neck of the woods!

(Muppet hammy reactions)

PHIL: I think the audience is losing patience!

DOUG: No big deal, Doctor Sipher loses patients every day!

(Muppet hammy “ooooooh” reactions)

SIPHER: (mock indignation, slapping the table) That’s slanderous! Why, I’ve saved hundreds!

PHIL: Of patients?

SIPHER: No, dollars! (hold up the convention box set) I only bought one set of convention toys!

(Muppet hammy reactions)

(Everyone starts looking up and around for the source of the Announcer voice once it starts)

ANNOUNCER: And so once again, we find Doctor Sipher in it up to his neck. Tune in next time when we’ll hear Nurse Doug say…

DOUG: Are you sure you’re qualified for this, Doctor Sipher?

SIPHER: Of course I am! I have a PhD in plastic surgery!!

(Over-the top Muppet hammy reactions, lights, start tape)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MSTF FUN FACTS!

These bumpers are a relatively late addition to MSTF, first appearing in 2003.

They are primarily used to give the performers a chance to pee.

(Longer than normal pause between lines)

Don’t ask.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

	(Space, Unicron)

SIPHER: Meanwhile, at the Everlasting Gobstopper…

	GALVATRON: Unicron! Why do you torture me?
	UNICRON: You have failed.

DOUG: (Unicron) I specifically requested a Honey Baked Ham.

GALVTRON: …and the Matrix destroyed!
UNICRON: The Matrix… has not been destroyed…

PHIL: You could have radioed me this info, you know!

UNICRON: …and Ultra Magnus lives… on the Planet of Junk. Stalk him.

SIPHER: (Unicron) Go through his garbage… call him… then hang up when he answers…

	(The Decepticon shuttle flies away from Unicron)

PHIL: (growling) Stupid sonofa makes me come all this way…

(On Junk, the Autobots repair their shuttle)
	PERCEPTOR: Be sure the fittings are securely welded!

SIPHER: Springer has E.T. fingers.

	BLURR: (etc)
	DANIEL: Whoah, this Exo-Suit is great!

DOUG: (Daniel) Peter Gorgenchuck is never taking my lunch money again!	

	WRECK-GAR: Forward, avanti, and like go for the gusto! … hang on…
	(Shot of a huge swarm of Decepticons in the distance)

PHIL: I guess Sweeps reproduce asexually.

	MANGUS: We’ve got the draw them off and double-back to the shuttle!
	(Close-up of Galvatron inside Cyclonus’ cockpit, holding a control lever)

SIPHER: Uh, Galvy, that’s not a flight stick.

DOUG: Wagh!

	(Cyclonus fires two rockets, and the shuttle explodes)	
	SPRINGER: There goes the shuttle!

SIPHER: (Fred Schneider) There goes a narwhal!

	(Arcee drives off)
	DANIEL: What do I do?!
	BLURR: TransformtransformyoucandoitIknowyoucandoityoucandoit!
	(He transforms)

SIPHER: Byeletmeknowhowthatworksoutforyou!

	DANIEL: Transform!

DOUG: Find your still point, Daniel.

	(Scavenger and Shrapnel land in front of Daniel)
	SCAVENGER: Human germ!

PHIL: Whoah, Papa Smurf is pissed!

	DANIEL: Transform… yeah!
	(He does, knocking the two Decepticons over)
	GALVATRON: There they are! Attack!

DOUG: Continuing the proud Megatron tradition of telling his troops to do things they’re already doing!

	MAGNUS: Make a break for cover! I’ll try to unleash the power of the Matrix!

PHIL: Oh please.

	(Magnus collapses the cave opening behind the Autobots)

ALL: (Anguished screams)

	(Galvatron & Cyclonus land. Magnus futzes with the Matrix)
	MAGNUS: Open… dammit, open!

SIPHER: (Ron Simmons) DAMN!

	MAGNUS: Prime… you said the Matrix would light our darkest hour!

PHIL: Sure, you let him die, but now it’s my ass on the line!

	MAGNUS: Never!
	GALVATRON: Sweeps! Terminate him!

DOUG: (Galvatron) Outsource his department! 

	(The Sweeps fire)

SIPHER: We’re curtailing redundancies in the Matrix-holder department!

	(Magnus just stands there and takes the shots)
	GALVATRON: Die! DIE!

DOUG: (Galvatron) My darling!

	(Magnus explodes. Galvatron catches the Matrix)
	GALVATRON: Unicron, my master. With this, I shall make you my slave!

SIPHER: Now Galvatron, think about this a minute. Where are you gonna find a French Maid outfit that big?

DOUG: Yeah- what?!

(Back on Quintessa)
PROSECUTOR: … would you like to beg for your lives? It sometimes helps, but not often.
KUP: I can’t transform!
HOT ROD: Keep trying!
JUDGE: Silence, or you will be held in contempt of this court!
HOT ROD: I have nothing but contempt for this court!

PHIL: (enticingly) And a fifty dollar biii-iiill (suddenly bawling, running his words together) oh God please let me go don’t wanna diiiiiie!!!

	(The Autobots are dropped into the drink)

SIPHER: Man, that water’s gotta be like eighty percent Sharkticon urine by volume.

PHIL: Eeeeuuuuch.

	KUP: Then let’s hold a demolition derby!
	(They transform and sink. The Sharkticons notice and dive after them)

SIPHER: (Deep announcer voice) Finding Nemo 2: Judgment Day.

	(Hot Rod and Kup circle the edge of the pool, starting a whirlpool)

PHL: (carnie voice) Do you want to go faster?

	(The water rises up)

DOUG: (Quintesson) Gross, get the plunger.

	(The Autobots ram Sharkticons left and right)

SIPHER: If the Sharkticons don’t get them, the music will.

(Hot Rod rams in from the left, the same shot as the first ram-attack, only at a reverse angle)

PHIL: Reverse-angle attack!

	(They transform back to robot mode)
	HOT ROD: Ha ha ha! Didn’t even bend a fender!
	KUP: Yeah, but look!

DOUG: (Kup) I have a coffee coupon!

SIPHER: Because he’s OLD.

HOT ROD: We can’t hold out forever, Kup, but we can give them one humongous repair bill!

DOUG: How about the worst case of indigestion they’ve ever had?

PHIL: Thank you, Furman.

	(Hot Rod punches a Sharkticon in the mouth. It stages up and its teeth all fall out)

SIPHER: Alabama dentistry.

(The Sharkticon swipes, but Hot Rod dodges. The Sharkticon behind him gets its face shredded by the attack instead.)

DOUG: (funny “Sharkticon” voice) Oh, Timmy, I didn’t mean to!

	(The Sharkticons hogpile on the Autobots)

ALL: (“Sharkticon” voice) For Timmy!!!

	PROSECUTOR: Execute them!
(The door behind the Prosecutor shakes, then falls flat on him. The Dinobots step through the now-open door)
	SLAG: Excuse me!

PHIL: (Slag) I pooted!

GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock want to munch metal!
(The Sharkticons get off of Hot Rod & Kup. Shot of the Dinobots approaching the swarm of Sharkticons, headed towards the camera)

DOUG: (Grimlock) Today am good day for stomping on things!

(Wheelie hits a Sharkticon with a fire-stone. It lunges, but Grimlock growls at it. Shot from inside Grimlock’s mouth of the cowering Sharkticon)

PHIL: It’s the Late Nite Maw Cam!

	HOT ROD: I never thought I’d be so happy to see these big bozos!
	GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock no bozo,

SIPHER: (Grimlock) Me Cookie!

	JUDGE: Sharkticons, execute them!
	(The Sharkticons transform to robot mode)

PHIL: What doesn’t transform in this?

	GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock say-

DOUG: (Grimlock) Me Sparticus!

	(The Sharkticons look at each other, smile and charge)

ALL: (“Sharkticon” crowd, not a chant, just randomly yelling) I’m Sparticus! I’m Sparticus! I’m Sparticus!

	WHEELIE: You get ship if I get trip!

SIPHER: First one’s free, kid.

	GRIMLOCK: Him Wheelie! Him friend!

DOUG: (Grimlock) Him plot contrivance!

	WHEELIE: Ship, stare, over there!
	(Shot of Quintesson ship)
	KUP: That’s a ship?
	HOT ROD: Who cares, as long as it flies?

PHIL: Oh, and has a good stereo. Need my tunes.

(Planet Junk. Bits of Magnus lying around. Springer flies by in copter mode, then turns and flies off-screen)

SIPHER: Whoop, never mind.

	ARCEE: Ultra Magnus…

PHIL: (sarcastic) Oh good one, Maggie.

	BLURR: WithouttheMatrixthereisnohopenohopenohopeatall.
	ARCEE: First Prime, now Ultra Magnus. What do we do?

SIPHER: GHOSTBU- wait.

	DANIEL: Look!

PHIL: (Daniel) An old couch! Can we keep it?

(The Junkions charge)
WRECK-GAR: It’s time to play “End of the Line, My Valentine”! Geroni-oo-run-run-ronii-mooooooooooooo!!!
	(A few seconds of “Dare to be Stupid” plays)

SIPHER: Finally, some good music!

	(A Junkion manages to get a chain around Springer’s tail-rudder)

DOUG: (Armada Cyclonus) My butt! What did you do to my poor butt?!

(Springer pulls up and knocks the Junkion off his bike. The bike transforms to robot mode while the robot transforms to bike mode)

SIPHER: Hey, in the background! A big pile of He-Man figures!

	(A Junkion throws a net over Blurr)

PHIL: Sandra Bullock. The Net.

(Arcee is being attacked by a Junkion. She uses a claw to catch its tire and send it flying)
SPRINGER: It’s not hard to knock ‘em down, it’s getting ‘em to stay down that’s the trick!

DOUG: Well, quit doing shots of Jaegermeister.

	DANIEL: And they’re everywhere!
	(More Junkions pop up from the ground)

ALL: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!

	WRECK-GAR: You check in, but you don’t check out!
	(Wreck-Gar throws his axe at Springer)

PHIL: Junkions are the only trash that take you out.

	(Springer lands and draws his sword)

DOUG: By the power of Graysk-HEY! (as Wreck-Gar attacks)

(Springer fights and gets knocked on his ass)

SIPHER: (whiny sniffling throughout as Wreck-Gar basically hands Springer’s ass to him) Stupid Michelin! (as he fails the reverse in car mode in the junk)

(Wreck-Gar is about to deliver a killing blow, but an I-beam bonks him on the head. Shot of Daniel holding the giant I-beam)

PHIL: Aw, your first kill. Spike would be so proud.

DOUG: Man, he got saved by Daniel. He so doesn’t deserve to date Arcee.

	(Clouse-up of the landing ship)

SIPHER: How did they know where Magnus went?

PHIL: Script leaks.

SIPHER: Oh.

(The ship digs into the surface of the planet)

PHIL: This planet is made up of only marginally more garbage than the plot.

	ARCEE: It’s Hot Rod!

DOUG: And Springer’s ego takes another blow.

	HOT ROD: Guns aren’t exactly friendly.

SIPHER: But this is a sex shooter, shooting love in your direction.

HOT ROD: What was that Universal Greeting again? Never mind, I remember. (To Wreck-Gar) Bah weep graghnaah weep ninni-bong!
WRECK-GAR: (confused) Bah weep graghnaah weep ninni-bong?

PHIL: (incredulous) You did what with the camel?!

	WRECK-GAR: Bah weep graghnaah weep ninni-bong!
	(Junkions cheer)

DOUG: Splunge for me, sir!

	(Everyone dances)

PHIL: (C-3PO) Wonderful! We are now part of the tribe!

(Wreck-Gar and Hot Rod tango)

SIPHER: Dick Gautier was right about Hot Rod!

	(Wheelie breakdances with Daniel)

DOUG: Breakin’ 2, Electric Boogaloo!

	(A Junkion gives Grimlock’s nose a kiss)

DOUG: Grimlock now gets the Junkion’s surfing skills.

SIPHER: He does wish the Junkion wouldn’t eat so much ice cream. It’s making him fat.

	WRECK-GAR: Have a nice day! And please, close cover before striking, friends!

PHIL: But I don’t want to strike my friends!

	HOT ROD: Where’d you learn to talk like that?

SIPHER: (breaking down) From you, okay?! I learned from watching you!

	WRECK-GAR: You talk some TV?
	KUP: I talk some TV.

PHIL: If symptoms persist for more than four hours…

WRECK-GAR: By George, Kemosabes, your smashed-up friend soon like brand new with ninety day warrantee!
	(The Junkions begin re-assembling Ultra Magnus)

SIPHER: Dude, you just put his legs in the wrong sockets!

	(The Junkions polish Magnus)

DOUG: (ticklish) Woo hoo hoo, cold!

	WRECK-GAR: Happy motoring! Cock-a-doodle-doo!
	(Magnus sits up, and the Autobots cheer)
	MAGNUS: You’re… all alive!

DOUG: I guess I owe you a Coke.

	HOT ROD: The Matrix…?
	MAGNUS: …it’s gone.

PHIL: I was bluffing with a pair of twos, and…

	HOT ROD: No!
	ARCEE: Galvatron has it!
	HOT ROD: Where’s Galvatron, where is he?!

SIPHER: And what about Carmen Sandiego?

	WRECK-GAR: …Unicron!
	HOT ROD: Then we’ve got to destroy Unicron!

PHIL: Uh, yeah, that’s why we left Earth in the first place, you dork.

WRECK-GAR: Eliminate even the toughest stains! No fuss, no muss! Hurry hurry hurry, sale must end, rush right on down and test-drive latest model with qualification!
(Wreck-Gar opens a random panel and hits some buttons. A giant junk-ship rises out of the landscape)

SIPHER: (yawns) Gooood morning.

	(Hot Rod & Kup nod at each other)

DOUG: (Kup) I just got a big boost of confidence!

	(Junkion ship finishes rising)

SIPHER: So what’s for breakfast?

	(A bunch of Junkions who all have the same model run to the shuttle)
JUNKIONS: Yeah! Destroy Unicron! Kill the Grand Poohbah! Eliminate even the toughest stains!

PHIL: Pat Lee only felt like drawing one Junkion.

	(Back to Unicron)
	GALVATRON: Unicron! Unicron! Answer me!

PHIL: I know you’re there!

	GALVATON: I now possess that which you most fear!

DOUG: The lunch tab?

	GALVATRON: You’ll do my bidding! Or taste my wrath!

SIPHER: Why can’t Galvatron just learn to use eBay himself?

	UNICRON: You underestimate me, Galvatron.

DOUG: (Unicron) I’ve been drinking milk. (Slight pause, the continues throughout the entirety of Unicron’s transformation sequence) You see, Galvatron… one glass of milk… contains more than a quarter… of the calcium I need each day… giving me strong bones. Milk contains… vitamins A, D, and K… and lots of B vitamins too… the potassium and magnesium in milk… keep my heart healthy… and even help stop cardiovascular disease… and milk’s iodine… helps my thyroid gland… stay in good shape. Many of the nutrients… found in milk… even help prevent… many types… of cancer… (should be at about the glowing-abs-revealed shot here. Next line is said as Unicron’s head is revealed) Milk, Galvatron... it does… a body good.

UNICRON: For a time… I considered sparing your wretched little planet Cybertron.

PHIL: (Unicron) Mmmm. Spare ribs.

	UNICRON: Now… you shall witness… its dismemberment!
	GALVATRON: Nooooooooooooooooooo!

SIPHER: I just made the last payment!

	(Unicron slams his hand into the planet’s surface)
SHOCKWAVE: Decepticons, we’re under attack!

ALL: (Blazing Saddles townsfolk-esque) NO SHIT.

	(Unicron is assaulted by various Decepticons)

PHIL: (grim) It’s a gigantic robotic apocalypse (suddenly upbeat) of savings at Menard’s!

	(Unicron crunches down some Seekers)

SIPHER: (Unicron) Mmm. Needs gravy.

(Galvatron transforms and starts shooting Unicron. Unicron looks all emotionally hurt, which probably wasn’t intentional)

PHIL: Wha- hey, I loved you, man! Why you gotta be that way?

	(Unicron drops Galvatron into his mouth)

DOUG: (Goofy holler) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOEY!!!!

	SPRINGER: I don’t believe it.

PHIL: They’re making Shrek 4.

	HOT ROD: Doesn’t this remind you of anything, Kup?
	KUP: Nope, never seen anything like this before.

PHIL: Never read any Fantastic Four comics, I guess.

	DANIEL: Where’s my dad?

DOUG: No, WHO’S your dad. Where’s your mom?

SIPHER: Third base!

	(Unicron spits green flame at the ships)

PHIL: Oooh, that Galvatron’s repeating on him.

	(The Junkion ship is engulfed in the flame, but keeps coming)
WRECK-GAR: Branded enamel! Resists fire, rain and corrosion for up to five years! Satisfaction guaranteed!
JUNKIONS: Or your money back!
	(Unicron belches up another fireburst)

SIPHER: (vomit-burp noise)

(The flame-burp hits the Quintesson ship. The Autobots inside the ship fall over and smoke starts pouring in)

PHIL: Oh, the smell!

	(The Quint ship smashes into Unicron’s eye)

DOUG: What is it with Hot Rod and taking out peoples’ eyes?

(Everyone falls out of the stricken ship. Hot Rod hits a projection on the way down)

PHIL: Hey, he found Spike!

SIPHER: Boooo.

	DANIEL: Where’s Hot Rod?
	SPRINGER: I don’t know… but I hope they didn’t get him!
	(claws on tentacles come out)

SIPHER: We already made a Kiss-Players joke, didn’t we?

PHIL: Oh, like that’s stopped us before.

	(Hot Rod slips off the spike and plummets)

SIPHER: (Inspector Zenigata) Ow.

	(Hot Rod picks himself up and crawls into a dark tunnel)

PHIL: Hm, Hot Rod’s wishing he’d left the traveler’s checks back at the hotel by now.

	(Hot Rod sees the glow of the Matrix)

SIPHER: Careful. Bug zapper.

	HOT ROD: The Matrix!
	GALVATRON: It will do you no good, Autobot. It cannot be opened.

DOUG: (Galvatron) They AFA Graded it.

	GALVATRON: Like it or not, we are allies now, against a common foe!
	(The torment starts again)

PHIL: I didn’t know you could get a migraine in your tummy.

	UNICRON: Or you yourself shall be… obliterated.

SIPHER: (MC Hammer) Me myself and I!

	(Galvatron fires at Hot Rod)

SIPHER: (Unicron, as each blast hits a wall or something) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

	GALVATRON: Puny Autobot! You lack even Prime’s courage!

PHIL: (Galvatron) And dashing good looks!

	(Unicron stands on Cybertron, shooting at various threats)

DOUG: Any minute now Cybertron’s gonna transform and totally kick his ass.

	(Grimlock shoots lasers out of his wrists)

PHIL: He does love the GoBots!

	GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock kick butt!

SIPHER: (singing) Unicron got a big ol’ butt!

PHIL & DOUG: (singing) Oh yeah!

	(Sludge starts attacking)

PHIL: Those are either huge Dinobots or a tiny Unicron.

	(Unicron reaches for the Dinobots)

DOUG: (Tyrese) LEFT CHEEK! LEFT CHEEK!

	GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock need new strategy.
	(Unicron looks at his tummy as it rumbles ominously)

SIPHER: (Unicron) I need waffles!

	(The Autobots runs. Daniel falls on his face)
	DANIEL: Help!

PHIL: Oh, Jeez, what, did he break a heel?

(Arcee fires at the tendrils. Several shots hit a wall, and water gushes out in a tidal wave)

DOUG: Oh gross, she punctured his bladder!

ALL: (react with revulsion)

DANIEL: Arcee! Kup	!

SIPHER: I’d like a cup of RC Cola, please!

	(POV shot from Daniel as the current sweeps him away)

PHIL: Man, I hope he doesn’t puke while we’re in this point of view shot.

	(Shot of an assembly line dropping robots into an acid pit)

DOUG: Six Flags Over HELL!

SIPHER: You must be at least this tall to DIE!

	(Shot of the melting robots)

SIPHER: (hippie voice) Do not swim in the pink acid!

	DANIEL: Dad!
	SPIKE: Daniel!
	DANIEL : What should I do?
	SPIKE: Knock down the acid cover!
	DANIEL: How?
	SPIKE: Blast it, son!
	DANIEL: But I don’t have a gun!

DOUG: No, I was cursing you out!

	SPIKE: Hurry!

PHIL: I bet Spike’s having one hell of an acid flashback right now.

(Daniel’s Exo-Suit’s arms convert and fire wildly. A shot hits the cover support. Spike is dropped into the acid pit)

PHIL: (singing) It’s a-rainin’ men!

ALL: Hallelujah!

	(Daniel turns away to cry)
	SPIKE: Daniel!

SIPHER: Men don’t cry, they only get stronger!

	GALVATRON: Come out, Autobot!

PHIL: (That dude from “The Warriors”) Oh Autoboooots, come out and plaaaaa-ee-aaaaaay!

(Hot Rod drives away, U-turns, then rams Galvatron, shot from Hot Rod’s drivers’ compartment as he does)

SIPHER: Objects in windshield are closer than they appear.

	(Galvatron stands up and fires again)

DOUG: (Unicron) Ow. You kids keep it down in there. I’m trying to eat.

	(Hot Rod takes a hit and is flipped off his wheels. He transforms and fires)

SIPHER: Horn broken, watch for plasma bolt.

(Hot Rod transforms again and charges with his high beams on. Close-up of Galvatron’s face lit up by Hot Rod’s headlamps)

DOUG: No, don’t see any cataracts at all!

(Hot Rod rams him but Galvatron catches him. They tumble and Hot Rod transforms…)

SIPHER: How is that physically possible?

	GALVATRON: I will crush you with my bare hands!
	(Close up of Hot Rod’s face as Galvatron starts to crush his neck)

PHIL: (choking) Oh, that was dumb…
	
	GALVTRON: Die, Autobot!

SIPHER So did the writers just have two years of not being able to use the word “die” on TV all bottled up that they let loose for this movie?

	(Unicron grabs the Junkion cruiser and starts squeezing. Shot from the interior)

PHIL: Is it getting smaller in here, or is it just me?

	GALVATRON: First Prime… then Ultra Magnus…

DOUG: (Galvatron) Then a light lunch.

GALVATRON: It’s a pity you Autobots die so easily, or else I might have a sense of satisfaction.

SIPHER: (Galvatron) I can’t get me no girly action.

	(The chain around Galvatron’s neck breaks as Rodimus grabs the Matrix)

PHIL: Cheap bling.

	(Hot Rod raises high the Matrix, and he begins to grow)
	OPTIMUS: Arise, Rodimus Prime.

DOUG: (Optimus) You’ll be late for school.

	GALVATRON: No!

SIPHER: (Galvatron) I will not lose to a deus-ex-machina!

(Galvatron shoots Rodimus, but the blasts just bounce off him. One hits the Matrix and sends it flying)

PHIL: (Hermes Conrad) My Manwich!

RODIMUS: This is the end of the road, Galvatron!

PHIL: As we know it, and I feel fine.

	(Rodimus and Galvatron grapple lamely)

SIPHER: (Simpering sniffly fight noises)

	(Rodimus picks up Galvatron and hurls him)

DOUG: (Goofy holler) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOEY!!!!

	(Rodimus picks the Matrix back up)
	RODIMUS: Now, light our darkest hour!

SIPHER: Now, clean our darkest carpets!

PHIL: Now, laugh at our stupidest jokes!

DOUG: Now, eat our most delicious spleens! (Hannibal-Lectery saliva-heavy lip-smacking noises)

	(Shot of Unicron’s video-brain ball going haywire)

PHIL: Ah, he just tried to watch Tom Goes to the Mayor.

	(Unicron pulls his left leg off)

SIPHER: He’s offering his leg as a sign of peace to the Nebulans.

	(The Autobots are fighting more tentacle-claws. One pierces Springer’s shoulder)

DOUG: (Strong Bad) TENTACLE CLAW’D!

SIPHER: (Teen Girl Squad) Ow my wanting to be Han Solo!

	SPRINGER: No time to answer that now, let’s get out of here!
	(Unicron’s fingers dig through the wall)

DOUG: Why not exit through that gaping hole that just opened up?

	DANIEL: Look!
	(Rodimus shows up)

SIPHER: Who are they gonna run into next, the Harlem Globetrotters?

DOUG: Well, Meadlowlark Lemon’s already there…

	KUP: I knew you had potential, lad!

PHIL: What happened?

SIPHER: (wincing) Ooh!

	(The Autobots drive through Unicron’s other eye)

PHIL: It’s the Michael Bay Driving School.

	(Unicron staggers around shooting light)

DOUG: Man, he’s taking longer to die than Strom Thurmond.

	UNICRON: Destiny… you cannot… destroy… my... destinyyyyy!
	(His head flies off his body)

PHIL: Rose…bud…

	RODIMUS: Let this mark the end of the Cybertonian wars…

ALL: YEAH RIGHT.

	RODIMUS: ‘Til all are one!
ALL: ‘Til all are one!

SIPHER: Calorie!

ALL: ‘Til all are one!

PHIL: The loneliest number!

ALL: ‘Til all are one!

DOUG: Cut a hole in a box!

	(Another two fades to further back)

PHIL: Hey, Optimus came out of his coma!

(Unicron’s head floats towards the screen. Theme song drum beat starts)

SIPHER: (singing) SOMEBODY. PUT SOMETHING.

DOUG: Awesome.

SIPHER: (singing) SOMEBODY PUT SOMETHING IN MY DRINK.

	Kranix		NORM ALDEN

DOUG: Norm Abrams?

SIPHER: What we’re doin’ here, Bob, is renovating Cybertron.

	Blaster		BUSTER JONES
	Scourge	STAN JONES

SIPHER: Buster Jones, Stan Jones, Indiana Jones, Osmosis Jones…

	Gears		DON MESSICK

DOUG: Wait, when was Gears in this movie?

PHIL: His scene was cut because test audiences found it too sexually explicit.

DOUG: Eyuw.

	(Frank Welker credit)

PHIL: And Frank Welker as everybody else, ever.

SIPHER: And the monkey.

PHIL: And the monkey.

(Slight pause)

PHIL: Should we skip the credits? Nobody cares about these people.

DOUG: That’s not true. They all have mothers.

SIPHER: Hm. I had their-

DOUG: HEY.

(Slight pause)

SIPHER: You know, we already missed the best credit, which was right after the title sequence. RUEBEN CANNON.

PHIL: Really? Let’s rewind it and-

SIPHER & DOUG: NO.

PHIL: Sorry.

SIPHER: I mean it though, what an awesome name. Rueben Cannon.

DOUG: What is a Rueben Cannon anyway? Does it fire sandwiches?

SIPHER: Delicious! Delvicious!

(slight pause)

PHIL: Let’s get out of here.

SIPHER: No, they’re at the soundtrack credits! I wanna see Weird Al’s name on the big screen!

	“INSTRUMENTS OF DESTRUCTION”
	Performed by NRG

DOUG: Revenge of the NRGs.

SIPHER: (nerd laugh)

SIPHER: (Beavis and Butt-Head “a capellas” the background theme song a bit)

	“NOTHIN’S GONNA STAND IN OUR WAY”
	Performed by SPECTRE GENERAL

DOUG: This really makes me wanna dig out my Poison.

PHIL: Ah, the hair-metal band.

DOUG: No. Cyanide.

	“DARE TO BE STUPID”
	Performed by “WEIRD AL” YANKOVIC

SIPHER: (real deep) YEAH.

PHIL: That was creepy, let’s get outta here.

DOUG: 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MSTF FUN FACTS!

Did you notice only one gag from the original 1997 presentation was used this year?

(tiny text) Loser.

In an effort to provide you with the best in comedy or something approaching it, the staff made a rule that they’d repeat as few gags as possible from the first script.

(blank screen for a couple seconds)

Instead, they recycled a lot of recurring gags and hopelessly insular in-jokes they’ve used since 2002.

God, you guys suck. At least these bumpers are 100% new.

PHIL: Except for the fact that you’re in the Adult Swim theme from 2004!

… aw crap, you’re right.

Dammit.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SKIT 4: CREEEEEPY
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SIPHER: Man. That sure brought back a lot of repressed memories.

PHIL: Remembering the emotional trauma of seeing Optimus die back when you were a kid, huh?

SIPHER: No, remembering the emotional trauma of hearing the soundtrack back when I was a kid.

(All laugh)

SIPHER: (suddenly breaking down) Oh GOD I own that in three different formats.

PHIL: (uncomfortable, nervously pats Sipher’s back) Uh… there, there.

SIPHER: (still sobbing) The vinyl LP is even autographed by Stan and Vince!

PHIL: Uh… yeah. I guess twenty-one years is a long time to build up the mental scabs.

DOUG: Hey… it has been twenty-one years, hasn’t it? That means… Arcee is totally legal now!

PHIL: Oh, yikes, man!

DOUG: Come on, she’s awesome!

(Begin audio. Doug is smiling and playing “musical director”, doing conductor-motions with his hands. Phil and Sipher generally act confused (so, act normal). Sipher visibly flinches at every “bbbbb!” performed in the song in each “Arcee, the Autobot!” line, which Doug mimes.)

All the day long,
Whether rain or shine,
She's a part of the defensive line.
She works for Iacon,
Fightin’ Decepticons,
Arcee, the Autobot.
 
Keeps a sharp lookout for sabotage,
Kicked Starscream in his fuselage.
 
That little girl will do more than a male will do,
 
Arcee, the Autobot.
 
Arcee’s got a boyfriend, Springer.
Springer, he’s painted green.
Arcee is protecting Hot Rod,
Fighting against the Decepticon machines.
 
When the Decepticons turn to flee,
She’s as proud as she could be,
 
There's something true about,
Pink, white, and blue about,
Arcee, the Autobot. 

(End audio. Doug is looking kinda up and in the distance, all dreamy-eyed. Phil and Sipher are confused and horrified, respectively.)

SIPHER: What in the Wide Wide World of Hell was that?

PHIL: I don’t even want to know. I’m calling it. Time of presentation death, (looks at watch, insert time here). Roll the credits.

DOUG: Oh, come on, she’s hot.

PHIL: ROLL CREDITS!

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!

(House lights down, roll credits)