[Copyright 2006 King Weasel Productions] MSTF 9: Anniversary Faults Iacon One / BotCon 2006 [house lights down, roll tape] *************************************************************************** SKIT ONE: WHAT DO I THINK, SIR? *************************************************************************** SIPHER: Ladies and gentlemen,we've been doing these presentations for coming up on TEN YEARS now. That's quite a long time. Many people wonder why we do it. DOUG: I wonder. SIPHER: (No pause) Shut up. Yes, we do this for a reason. All these years... we've had an evil nemesis. PHIL: Seth McFarlane? SIPHER: (pause) Good answer, but no. No, what I mean is we're FORCED to do these presentations against our will. DOUG: (confused) We are? SIPHER: Yes, we are! Don't you guys remember? If we don't do these experiments, the mad scientist in control of this um... cuts off our oxygen. PHIL: The hell? SIPHER: And now he's presenting himself to us, to reveal his Grand Evil Plan, which has all the first letters Capitalized. And "Capitalized" is capitalized too, so you KNOW it's important. DOUG: That's ridiculous. SIPHER: Hey, it's in the script, see? (Shows Doug the script) DOUG: Oh, hey, it is. PHIL: Guys, you're getting way too Meta. SIPHER: Yes, well, here he is, our Evil Overlord, Capitalized. (Walky steps out, wearing a labcoat, and maybe a bad moustache. He is utterly unimpozing.) WALKY: (clearly reading a script and with poor acting) Hello, my little chunked-and-formed nuggets! DOUG: That's Walky. He hasn't even been GOING to conventions for as long as we've been- SIPHER: He did it from afar. PHIL: You haven't even KNOWN him as long as we- SIPHER: Oh like you personally know all of YOUR victims. (Doug opens his mouth to retort, then pauses with a look that says "Hm. True...") WALKY: Ha-ha-ha, ha. Ha. Um... yes, with the data I get from these, I can uh... harness... thingies. To rule the world. PHIL: (Incredulous) This is asinine. WALKY: Your experiment for this half hour, Gre- SIPHER: SIPHER! (Sipher throws a can at Walky, who screams like a girl and cowers) WALKY: Yessir! Um... your experiment for this h-half hour, Sipher... is a two-for-one kick to the groin, the SECOND installment of the Playskool Go-Bots cartoon series. (There is a pause. Sipher begins to glare at Walky, motioning for him to turn the page of his script while raising a metal ruler like a sword. Walky takes a couple seconds to catch on. Meanwhile, Phil is making the "jerk-off" motion.) WALKY: OH! (Quickly flips over to the next page.) It's kind of like the Robots in Disguise cartoon, only not so "hard sci-fi."(looks up meekly) Was that okay? PHIL: Sipher, this is a real steaming load of cr- OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS! [house lights down, unpause tape] *************************************************************************** EPISODE ONE: REPTRON'S RAMPAGE & RACER-BOT ROAD RALLY *************************************************************************** ANNOUNCER: Each year, the Council selects a team of Go-Bots to protect and serve the planet that needs the most. This time, that planet is Earth. PHIL: Earth is dangerously low on headdresses and capes. ANNOUNCER: They chose the very best, in Aero-Bot! The fastest, in Speed-Bot! DOUG: SOMEONE'S job was picked out by their mom... ANNOUNCER: The strongest, in Strong-Bot! PHIL: The pimpinest, in Pimp-Bot 5000! SIPHER: (Pimp-Bot 5000) SUCK-AH. ANNOUNCER: And the most clever, in Buzzer-Bot! SIPHER: (singing) One of these things is not like the other... (Theme song begins) Sent to Earth from a world far away, Go-Bots save the day! GO GO GO-BOTS! ALL: GO NINJA GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! A robot is what you see, but that's not all that it can be! GO GO GO-BOTS! SIPHER: (singing) The world looks mighty good to me, 'cuz Tootsie Rolls are all I see! GO GO GO-BOTS! When danger strikes they re-arrange, ONE TWO THREE GOT THE POWER TO CHANGE! GO GO GO-BOTS! DOUG: (In time with the music) Collect two hundred dollars! (Theme song ends) GOBOTS REPTRON'S RAMPAGE SIPHER: (Anne Elk) This is my rampage, which is mine, property of me. AH- HEM. (Rampage appears from a warp-hole or something in the sky and dives to earth. He grabs a vine on the way down, despite being waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay above the jungle canopy.) PHIL: Uh, what's that vine ATTACHED to? (Reptron lands) REPTRON: Look at this planet! What a great place to push my powers to the max! (Reptron transforms into a dino and immediately swipes a tree, knocking it over) SIPHER: Okay, I'm done. (Reptron tears through the jungle, getting caught in vines.) PHIL: Uh, Reptron, there's a path just to your... never mind. (A shot of a pair of sandalled feet. Three seeds are dropped to the ground in front of them.) SIPHER: Well, there's the last of my teeth. (Reptron busts through to the clearing, knocking over a tree. The tree is immediately upright in the next shot, but falls over again, narrowly missing the fleeing farmer.) DOUG: Hey, that tree fell over twice! (Strong-Bot transition) (Shot of a camp with several large holes. Two explorers stand in one of them.) EXPLORER 1: Ah, not bad for a day's work! PHIL: This should hold a LOT of bodies! EXPLORER 1: ...into the ancient city and find the statue of King Inkya. SIPHER: (Jimmy Durante) INKYADINKYADOO! Ah chachacha! (Reptron leaps the hole,hitting the edge and collapsing it. The explorers scramble up the ladder on the other side. The wall collapses to reveal...sunny blue skies. DOUG: Wasn't that solid ground a second ago? REPTRON: I've got Go-Bot POWER! PHIL: So Go-Bot power is smashing stuff through lack of coordination. SIPHER: So, Doug, what's it like being a Go-Bot? DOUG: Oh, pretty go-HEY! (A statue cracks and drops something off what might be its butt) (Speed-Bot transition) SIPHER: A statue shits a brick and SPEED-BOT IS THERE! AERO-BOT: Go-scanners are picking up some strange activity in the jungle! DOUG: Gentlemen, we have a bungle! PHIL: Well, that's allright by me! STRONG-BOT: Looks like we got a bot out for a joyride! AERO-BOT: Go-System file check! ... We have a match! His name is Reptron. Hm. Reptron is fast, fierce and strong. But he's often careless with his powers. SIPHER: A Libra, he likes bike rides, walks in the park and moonlit strolls. (Reptron jumps off the top of the waterfall) PHIL: Wow, they just had to wait for him to kill himself. DOUG: It's like Blade Runner in half the time. (Reptron's dive causes a waterspout, which floods the camp. The water runs down a valley.) SIPHER: Fletch, no! AERO-BOT: All right. We're gonna STOP this dangerous dino! DOUG: PERMANENTLY. AERO-BOT: Strong-Bot and Speed-Bot, you're back-up. PHIL: Because you suck. (Strong-Bot types) DOUG: (Strong Bad) Dear Strong-Bad-Bot. How do you type with shovels for hands? (Strong-Bot stares open-mouthed and unmoving as the three bots' diagnositcs come on-screen.) SIPHER: Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... (Speed-Bot has a new muppet-jaw!) SPEED-BOT: All systems are go, go and GO! SIPHER: What happened to his FACE? GO-BOTS: GO GO GO-BOTS! (They shoot up through the Go-Chutes) PHIL: Technology so advanced it's only used by the Go-Bots and bank drive- throughs. (Beast-Bot poses as he flies out of the chute) SIPHER: So Beast-Bot just plummets to Earth then. SPEED-BOT: Code Red, Aero-Bot, Code Red! The water geyser is about to flood a nearby town! PHIL: Yeah, that's what we came here for, thanks. AERO-BOT: I'll save the town from those flood waters. Beast-Bot and Buzzer-Bot, DOUG: I'm Batman. AERO-BOT: GO GO GO-BOTS! SONG: GO GO GO-BOTS! SIPHER: (theme song) GO GO NOAH! (Reptron side-kicks some trees) DOUG: (theme song) KUNG-FU FIGHTING. REPTRON: Well, whaddaya know. Go-Bots my own size! Bet you can't do this! I'M THE GREATEST BOT IN THE UNIVERSE! PHIL: Sure we can! PHIL & SIPHER: I'M THE GREATEST BOT IN THE UNIVERSE! REPTRON: I challenge YOU to see who's the king of THIS jungle! BEAST-BOT: We didn't come to play! SIPHER: (Beast-Bot) We came to kick ass and chew Energon, and we're all out of Energon. (Reptron runs up the side of the waterfall and leaps across it onto a rock. The two explorers are below, watching) DOUG: (Brit explorer) Why, that looks like the greatest bot in the universe! Get my Autobahn guide! (Reptron stomps the small rock shelf he's on then jumps off, sending the rock falling. Where it might maybe kinda hit the explorers.) BEAST-BOT: GO GO GO-BOTS! (Beast-Bot changes into kitty mode and starts running) PHIL: Shouldn't the FLYING guy take care of this? (Beast-Bot runs down the cliff after the rock) REPTRON: Pretty good move, Beast-Bot. SIPHER: Pretty good?! He just committed suicide! (Beast-Bot lands in front of the explorers and swats the rock into the air, where Buzzer-Bot catches it.) BUZZER-BOT: YOOUUUU'RE OUT! DOUG: Yeah, whatever, Kid Icarus. (Reptron roars in anger.) PHIL: He's gonna pass the stone! (Villagers look up. Aero-Bot is carrying a boulder in a net on a rope, which he then drops and lands off-camera.) SIPHER: SPLUTCH! AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEGGGGGH (Aero-Bot lands) AERO-BOT: Reptron sure made a mess. PHIL: What did I just STEP in...? (Aero-Bot starts pushing fallen trees and rocks) AERO-BOT: GO GO GO-BOTS! (At the base...) STRONG-BOT: Great JOB, Aero-Bot! SIPHER: (Coach Z) JEORB! STRONG-BOT: You have over ten tons of trees and rocks in that pile! I couldn't have done it better myself! Buzzer-Bot! DOUG: (Strong-Bot) You haven't got jack squat! You're a failure! (Aero-Bot and Buzzer-Bot throw the debris around and pile it up into a dam. Shot of an old man watching.) SIPHER: (Old man) Oh, dam. (Buzzer-Bot puts the last rock in place.) SIPHER: (Buzzer-Bot) Oh, dam. DOUG: Stop it. MAN ON ROOF: The flood is coming! (He jumps OFF the roof) PHIL: Yeah, be sure to get OFF the high ground! (The floodwaters hit the dam and are diverted.) SIPHER: Tragedy struck today as floodwaters diverted from a small village decimated Buenos Aires. Top scientists suspect similar tragedy will strike New York, Tokyo and and London. AERO-BOT: Not bad for a few minutes' work, eh Buzzer-Bot? BUZZER-BOT: A few minutes of TEAMWORK, you mean! DOUG: Don't you EVER correct me again! (Speed-Bot transition) REPTRON: I CHALLENGE YOU, HA HA! Last one to the big statue in the center of the city is the LOOOOSER! BEAST-BOT: I'll take your challenge, Reptron! PHIL: (Beast-Bot) And shove it RIGHT up your- REPTRON: Let the jungle run begin! SIPHER: Oooh, I had the jungle runs once. Should have brought my own water on that trip. (Base) STRONG-BOT: Be careful, Beast-Bot! (Close up of Speed-Bot, who has a new hideous face) PHIL: (Kid voice) Mommmmy the scary-face bot is gonna eat me! (Aero-Bot and Buzzer-Bot join the explorers at the temple) EXPLORER #1: They've gone into the ancient ruins! EXPLORER #2: They're gonna topple the entire city! (The two bots fly off) DOUG: Cool, let's watch! (Fireballs shoot out from holes in the temple hall.) PHIL: Boy, I hope they have enough quarters to get through this. SIPHER: (Starts singing the Super Mario Bros "underground" tune.) BEAST-BOT: Reptron! Your game is gonna destroy the pyramid city! SIPHER: I think the giant thundering fireballs might beat him to it. (The earth shakes and some ruins crumble) AERO-BOT: Looks like we better go into hyperdrive! BUZZER-BOT: GO! GO! HYPERDRIVE! DOUG: I was speaking metaphorically, you collosal dork. (Reptron runs into another ruin. There is a pool of bubbling green acid at the bottom of this one.) PHIL: The secret Ecto-Cooler storage facility. REPTRON: This place just keeps getting better and better! (Reptron grabs a log attached to a chain and swings to the other side.) SIPHER: (Phil Ken Sebben) Ha HA! LOG. REPTRON: Ha HA! Beat that, Beast-Bot! (The chain slips and the log drops into the acid.) PHIL: I like to drop a log first thing in the morning too. SIPHER: Eyuw. (Beast-Bot rebounds off the wall and crosses the pit.) SIPHER: HAH! It's Prince of PURR-SIA! Get it? Prince of PURR- PHIL: Oh shut up. (Beast-Bot leaps over Reptron. Reptron yelps off-camera, and Beast- Bot turns to see him trapped in a net hung over the floor... with a door to the outside behind him.) DOUG: WAIT, there was an acid pit back there! How did...?! SONG: GO GO GO-BOTS! PHIL: CO-KIE ROBERTS! DOUG: That kinda scraped the bottom of the barrel there, Phil. PHIL: (shamed) I know. (Beast-Bot changes into gorilla mode and starts climbing the wall) BEAST-BOT: Hold still! I'm tryin' to help! SIPHER: Maybe he should call on the power of the Cyber Planet Key. (Beast-Bot prepares...) DOUG: (Beast-Bot) Punching bag! (And jumps, grabbing Reptron and cutting the rope. He lands, carrying Reptron out of the collapsing ruin) BEAST-BOT: There's the statue! (Aero-Bot and Buzzer-Bot fly around, quickly rebuiling the temple) PHIL: I didn't know the Incans made their temples out of Lego. (Aero-Bot transition) BEAST-BOT: Looks like a tie. REPTRON: No... you're the winner, Beast-Bot. DOUG: You have much better thighs than I do. BEAST-BOT: ... you'd make a great member of the Go-Bot team. BUZZER-BOT: But, you have to learn to use your powers to help others. Along with your power and skills comes great responsibility. AERO-BOT: You could have hurt everyone in that town and destroyed this ancient jungle city with your wild games. SIPHER: But you didn't finish the job. What are you, a quitter? REPTRON: ...and when I'm ready, I'll come back and work with you. To protect Earth. DOUG: From myself. (Reptron returns to robot mode, and taps his chest. He starts to glow.) PHIL: Oh my God HE'S GONNA BLOW! (All panic and duck) (Reptron vanishes. Beast-Bot and Buzzer-Bot return to robot mode) ALL: GO GO GO-BOTS! (There is cheering) SONG: GO GO GO-BOTS! PHIL: (Theme song) BO BO BO-BO! BO-BO-BO-BO BOBOBO! Bo bo bo bo bo... SIPHER: STOP. (Title card) GO-BOTS RACER-BOT ROAD RALLY SIPHER: (Southern belle) RALLY ah do. (The Racer-Bots tear through the streets of Botropolis. Our first close-up look at them in car modes.) PHIL: 4 Fast 4 Furious - Direct To Video. (The Racer-Bots rush past crowds and under a walkway. Shot of them from the front.) DOUG: Such a happy-looking car! RACER-BOT ALPHA (blue car): Go GO GO-BRILLIUM! (Alpha turns transparent) SIPHER: Man, now he looks too human! (Alpha leaps over Beta and skids to a halt) ALPHA: WA-HOO! I WON! RACER-BOT BETA (purple): Yeah? How about a REAL challenge this time? ALPHA: Bring it on, slow-bot, bring it on! (Alpha turns on his headlamps, projecting an image of... a galaxy or something.) BETA: (gasps) The Interstellar Challenge Course?! PHIL: Looks more like a Blue Oyster Cult album cover. ALPHA: Scared? BETA: NO WAY! ALPHA: Finish line is the Grand Canyon of planet Earth! Last one there is a baby-bot! DOUG: So they're just gonna DRIVE to Earth, then. ALPHA & BETA: GO GO GO-BRILLIUM! (They turn semi-invisible and start racing) SIPHER: Transparent equals fast. (The Racer-Bots take to the air and drive up a skyscraper) DOUG: Well, this explains Herbie. (The Go-Bots' headquarters, with the tiny tiny cutaway.) COUNCIL-BOT: And so, the Botropolis High Council bestows on each of you its highest honor. SIPHER: A bigger apartment. COUNCIL-BOT: The Go-Shield! SIPHER: Oh. (Beams of light lance out and hit each of the assembled Go-Bots in the chest) ALL: (hee-heeing and "that tickles!") (The G-shaped Go-Shield appears on Aero-Bot's chest) DOUG: Yo, G, whatup holmes? (Silver-Bot appears on a monitor) AERO-BOT: What is it, Silver-Bot? SILVER-BOT: Scientists here on Botropolis have created a powerful new energy source called Go-Brillium. PHIL: Sucks to be on Earth, huh? SILVER-BOT: When activated, the Go-Brillium instantly makes a bot faster, stronger, ALL: AND MORE ALIVE. (A big steel cube is placed in front of the Racer-Bots in the monitor footage. The use the Go-Brillium and start pushing the cube awayin car modes.) DOUG: Oh, and it makes you transparent. BUZZER-BOT: That sounds like a good thing. DOUG: (same tone) I've always wanted to be transparent. SILVER-BOT: Before tests were finished, the Racer-Bot twins sped off to have a little fun with their new powers! SIPHER: (Intro announcer) They chose the most irresponsible, in Racer-Bots! SILVER-BOT: ... out-of-control race through the galaxy ending in Earth's Grand Canyon! AERO-BOT: There's no telling what danger their new powers might cause for the people of Earth! PHIL: The REST of the galaxy can go screw. BUZZER-BOT: But Beast-Bot's on a top-secret assignment for the High Council! SPEED-BOT: And he won't be back for a month! SILVER-BOT: That's exactly why the High Council is sending you Hauler-Bot! And awesome new Go-Bot- SIPHER: For sale now! BUY HIM UP, KIDS! AERO-BOT: Speed-Bot, you're with me! Strong-Bot and Buzzer-Bot, PHIL: You're with Iron Man. AERO-BOT: ... monitor the Racer-Bot twins' whereabouts at all times. TO THE GO-CHUTES! (Strong-Bot and Buzzer-Bot push buttons. Buzzer-Bot watches the schematic of Aero-Bot changing forms) DOUG: (Buzzer-Bot) I'm gonna turn Aero-Bot into a cow! (And Speed-Bot changing forms...) DOUG: (Buzzer) And Speed-Bot into a hand grenade! (The two shoot out of the shoot up into the air. In mid-air...) BOTH: Go GO GO-BOTS!! (Speed-Bot transforms to car mode... and plummets) SIPHER: Oh NOOO AAAAAAAIIIIIEEEE... (Speed-Bot lands on his wheels) SIPHER: KKKGGHGHGAAAAAAAGH I CAN'T FEEL MY TIRES! (A portal appers, then Hauler-Bot does!) HAULER-BOT: Hauler-Bot reporting for bot duty! ALL: EYUW. HAULER-BOT: The Go-Brillium supercharger is ready to activate, Aero- Bot! AERO-BOT: Speed-Bot, prepare to be supercharged! DOUG: (Low announcer voice) The following scene contains graphic sexual content. (Speed-Bot drives onto the platform, and the ptreodactyl-bot zaps him, infusing himwith Go-Brillium. Aero-Bot steps up) SIPHER: I'm gonna regurgitate some mealworms into its mouth. (Hauler-Bot converts to truck mode) AERO-BOT: Take us to the desert, Hauler-Bot! PHIL: (Hauler-Bot) Why don't YOU fly yer butt there, huh? (Aero-Bot and Speed-Bot climb into Hauler-Bot's trailer. The dactyl- bot picks up Hauler-Bot and off they fly.) (Aero-Bot transition) (The desert. The Racer-Bots scream past, knocking over a cactus.) SIPHER: Now it pauses and we see their scientific names. BETA: This place is AWESOME! ALPHA: Pedal to the metal! Ready? BETA: Set! BOTH: GOOOOO!! DOUG: GO GO-BO-oh, sorry. (A helicopter flies overhead) RACE ANNOUNCER: This is the Gobonews Network- PHIL: Wait, Gobonews? They report on a Fraggle? (A series of cars start a desert rally. We cut to the Racer-Bots) BETA: Ha-ha! LATER, slow-bot! I just found a shortcut! DOUG: (Go-Bots theme) RO-SIE RUIZ. (Beta heads for a crevasse) ALPHA: You'll never make it! BETA: GO GO GO-BRILLIUM! (He turns transparent and drives on his two side tires, slipping into the crevasse) PHIL: I can see why he needed the Go-Brillium for that. (Alpha also uses his Go-Brillium and follows on two wheels) SIPHER: So Go-Brillium is just a gateway power to CRACK. PHIL: Augh. (The Racer-Bots emerge from the crack and swerve into the crowd of rally cars.) RACE ANNOUNCER: Oh no! Something's caused major havoc in the middle of the course! Cars are spinning out everywhere! (The dust clears to reveal the Racer-Bots) RACE ANNOUNCER: Great gas-guzzlers! What ARE those things? SIHER: Uh, cars? RACE ANNOUNCER: They look like... like... ALIEN MONSTER CARS! DOUG: That look exactly like normal cars! PHIL: Those devious BASTARDS! (Hauler-Bot lands) AERO-BOT: Let's split up and surround those two trouble-makers! HAULER-BOT: GO GO GO-BOTS! (Aero-Bot flies in, and though the animation doesn't reflect this, narrowly misses smashing into the helicopter) DOUG: HEY, I HAD THE RIGHT-OF-WAY, JERKOFF! RACE ANNOUNCER: The Go-Bots have just arrived with some high-octane help! (Shot of the stands... and a single small circular snack tent or something. They cheer.) PHIL: And everyone at the tiny circus was thrilled. RACE ANNOUNCER: They'll get those maniacs off our course for sure! (Close-up of the people near the tent, including a very large woman sipping a drink. The crowd starts to move...) SIPHER: (Horrible slurping noises and a belch, then raspy old woman voice) Get mommy her cigarettes an HOLY CRAP THAT GIRL ON THE LEFT WASN'T WEARING ANY PANTS! DOUG & PHIL: (react with awe) (No, really. The first woman to move in the crowd is wearing a very long sweater (in the desert?) and NO PANTS.) (Beta jumps over some cars) BETA: I can jump TWO cars! DOUG: Shouldn't they have stopped the race or something? SPEED-BOT: I got double trouble dead ahead! GO GO GO-BOTS! (Speed-Bot goes from car mode to dragster mode) SPEED-BOT: Hey, road hogs! Give it up! PHIL: (Phil Ken Sebben) Ha HA! ENTENDRE. ALPHA: And I'M not stopping until I beat HIM! (Speed-Bot skids to a halt in front of the twins, who simply jump over him.) STRONG-BOT: Speed-Bot! SIPHER: (Strong-Bot) That was really DUMB of you! STRONG-BOT: (Looking ANGRY) GET OUT OF THE WAY! ALL: (React with fear) (Speed-Bot turns) STRONG-BOT: The other cars are coming on way too fast, Speed-Bot! DOUG: (Strong-Bot) They're not even buying you DINNER, man! SPEED-BOT: Go go GO-BRILLIUM! (He turns clear. He zips past a directional sign, spinning it into a new direction) SPEED-BOT: Follow me, boys! New roads, new rules! PHIL: So he needed the Go-Brillium to perform a Looney Tunes maneuver. AERO-BOT: Uh-oh. Those two are WAY out of control! SIPHER: They are two... SIPHER & DOUG: WILD AN' CRAAAZY GUYS!!! STRONG-BOT: Go-Bot to Hauler-Bot, come in, Hauler-Bot! HAULER-BOT: Hauler-Bot here! Ready to roll! PHIL: (Strong-Bot) Have you considered DOING something this mission? (The dactyl-bot swoops down towards the stands) ALL: (Improv ractions of horror at the metal abomination flying overhead) (The dactyl-bot PICKS UP the stands and flies upwards) ALL: (Screaming in terror) (The twins drive through the spot the stands occupied seconds before) AERO-BOT: Good job, Hauler-Bot! Looks like you made some new fans! (Cut back to the stands in the metal talons of the dactyl-bot) ALL: (More screaming, Sipher make vomitting noises) DRIVER: I can't see! BETA: Then get out of the way! (Beta rams into several cars. An orange Jeep goes flying off a cliff) DOUG: (Dukes of Hazzard announcer) Well, them Duke Boys better learn to fly or they're gonna be in more trouble than a rattlesnake in a mongoose farm! (Aero-Bot launches his fists on wires, grabbing the jeep and pulling it up) SIPHER: Tenth floor, lingerie, bedding and giant robots! RACE ANNOUNCER: ... saved that rally driver from certain death! (Shot of the announcer and pilot inside the copter) PHIL: Why is Brent Sienna piloting the chopper? AERO-BOT: Count on it! (More racers are scattered by the Racer-Bots. One spins out of control toward a cliff face.) AERO-BOT: GO GO THRUSTERS! (His fists launch on wires again) DOUG: Those must be good for getting those hard-to-reach places. (Aero-Bot smashes the rock, presumably saving the driver) AERO-BOT: Time to give these young bots the checkered flag! SIPHER: RIGHT up the- BETA: The finish line is right on the other side of that canyon! (Shot of the "canyon") DOUG: Uh, that looks more like a CLIFF, guys. ALPHA: It looks pretty far across! BETA: We can do ANYTHING with our Go-Brillium! SIPHER: Can you teach gibbons how to do the hambone? PHIL: Huh? (They leap the chasm and try to activate their Go-Brillium, but they spark and nothing happens) ALPHA: Oh no! We've used up all our Go-Brillium! (They start to plummet) AERO-BOT: Hauler-Bot! Speed Bot! They're goin' down! DOUG: (Aero-Bot) Get over here, this is gonna be HILARIOUS! (Aero-Bot turns clear mit das Go-Brillium) SONG: GO GO GO-BOTS! SIPHER: WON-DER WOM-MAN! SPEED-BOT: GO GO GO-BRILLIUM! (He turns clear) (Shot of Hauler-Bot's dactyl-bot) HAULER-BOT: GO GO GO-BRILLIUM! (He turns clear) PHIL: I didn't know Swoop had an eating disorder. AERO-BOT: GO GO- DOUG: GADGET ARMS. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO SAY IT. (Aero-Bot grabs the Racer-Bots, and the dactyl-bot swoops down...) PHIL: Gee, thank God Speed-Bot was there. RACE ANNOUNCER: The Go-Bots saved the race, and saved the day for those troublemaking young bots! (The crowd cheers) SIPHER: WOOO thanks for saving the guys who nearly killed us all! ALL: YAY! (Hauler-Bot recombines and transforms to robot mode) DOUG: (G2 Prime voicebox) I AM OPTIMUS PRIME. AERO-BOT: Your reckless actions could have caused far more destruction than they did! (The Racer-Bots transform) SPEED-BOT: I hope you two learned something here today. BETA: We're sorry. PHIL: We'll try for more destruction next time. ALPHA: ... we need a lot more training to learn how to handle all this new Go-Brillium. (Hauler-Bot scoots up on his little wheeled pedestal) HAULER-BOT: Go back to Botropolis and work hard! SIPHER: "Work hard" coming from the guy who DOESN'T WALK ANYWHERE. AERO-BOT: ... you could work side-by-side with the Go-Bots! ALPHA: ALL RIGHT! BETA: We could be real Go-Bots! ALPHA: I want a Go-Shield just like Aero-Bot! Did you see how Speed- Bot made that jump? DOUG: WHAT jump? (The two run off) BETA: I can't WAIT to finish our training! (They run towards a portal...) PHIL: No, wait! That's the Unicron Singularity don't -- (they vanish) Ah, screw it. GO-BOTS: GO GO GO-BOTS! SONG: GO GO GO-BOTS! ALL: (singing) NO NO NO-PANTS! (Improv cheers and cries of NO PANTS!!!) [pause tape, house lights up] *************************************************************************** SKIT TWO: THIS IS JUST A LITTLE SPEECH IMPEDIMENT *************************************************************************** DOUG: In the past, we have been accused of being smug, sarcastic and condescending in our skits. SIPHER: (snarling) NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW. (Phil just kind of looks exasperated.) DOUG: Ahem. So in the spirit of the childrens' video we just watched, we thought th- SIPHER: "We?" DOUG: ... So in the spirit of the childrens' video we just watched, we thought that we should do at least one skit that was clean, with no humor based on making fun of other people, fandom misconceptions, or anything of that nature. Yes, a skit for the whole family that no-one should find offensive. SIPHER: Oh boy, a skit for people without frontal lobes. PHIL: (sighs, clearly unenthused) Let's just get this over with. DOUG: So, Phil... (pause) why do robots keep batteries in their wallets? PHIL: (Blatantly looks at his script and visibly winces) They like to CHARGE everything. (Doug chuckles. Phil groans. Sipher fumes.) PHIL: (sighing) Sipher. What do you get when you cross a beetle... ugh... with a robot. SIPHER: (fuming) I. Don't. Know. But it's crawling UP YOUR A- (Doug, never not smiling politely, raises a hand) SIPHER: (long angry pause) On your LEG. (Doug is clearly having a good time.) SIPHER: What. Did. The. Transformer. Sing. As. He. Paddled. Up. Stream. DOUG: (singing happily) "Row row row your BOT!" (Sipher begins to slowly, methodically bang his head repeatedly against the table.) DOUG: Ooohh Phil? PHIL: (irked) WHAT. DOUG: What's a robot's favorite snack? PHIL: Assorted nuts... and bolts. Oh for... (Sipher is still banging his head against the table) PHIL: (muttering under his breath) I swear this is the lamest thing I've ever... What is a robot's favorite ride at the fair? DOUG: (VERY loudly and angrily, preferably not into the mic) YOUR MOTHER!!! (Doug reacts with wide-eyed shock, slapping his hands over his mouth.) SIPHER: (Head jerking up) STUFF THIS. ALL BETS ARE OFF, PLEBES! OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS! SIPHER: UP YOURS!!! [house lights down, unpause tape] *************************************************************************** EPISODE TWO: B.O.T. *************************************************************************** B.O.T. Written BY: EARL KRESS (Shot of a city street with some tiny tiny cars) PHIL: Welcome to Huge-Road-Ville. (Shadows fall over humans as metal footsteps are heard. A very badly drawn woman reacts with fear.) SIPHER: (Phil Hartman Frankenstein noises) ONSLAUGHT: Combaticons, transform! (They do so. Badly.) SIPHER: What did Onslaught just turn INTO? SWINDLE: Heh-hey, watch it, Brawl! BRAWL: You two-faced pipsqueak! Stay behind me! Huh! DOUG: GOOD GOD, Y'ALL! (All five Combaticons drive down the street. Including the HELICOPTER and SPACE SHUTTLE guys.) DOUG: Why are the AIRCRAFT DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD? SIPHER: Bigass road. (The combine into Bruticus. Bruticus takes one step forward, and is blasted to pieces with a single shot.) PHIL: Man, he's no fun, he fell right over. DOUG: This'll be a short war. (Swindle pulls himself out of a pile of parts.) SIPHER: Aw, he made a cool fort! SWINDLE: Defensor! (Defensor turns to some watching humans) DEFENSOR: Call sanitation! There's junk all over the street! DOUG: (Defensor) You'll get my bill shortly. SWINDLE: Now where am I gonna find parts? (Sigil transition) (The docks somewhere. Swindle drives along the warehouses, and he is TINY) PHIL: This is HUGETOWN, isn't it? LOOKOUT: A jeep just went by with no driver. Should I dust it? DOUG: Eet's feelthy! EL PRESIDENTE: Let him come aboard! (Swindle drives into the boat, which is full of munitions) SIPHER: Yeah, Homeland Security's REALLY WORKING. EL PRESIDENTE: There's no need for formality, I'm honored by your coming. What can I do for you? SWINDLE: Spare parts for my colleagues who were damaged in battle. EL PRESIDENTE: That can be arranged... for a price. DOUG: (El Presidente) PUDDING. (An image of the Moon in a targeting reticle) SIPHER: Tell us the location of the Rebel base! (Bruticus, apparently riding on Astrotrain, fires a big cannon. The moon glows, then goes flying away.) PHIL: What are you, MOONesota Fats? STARSCREAM: ... so much time on the simulation, Megatron, maybe we'd know if your device really worked! DOUG: (Phil Ken Sebben) Ha HA! DEVICE. MEGATRON: Once we have blasted the Earth's moon out of orbit, we will be able to control the tides with Soundwave's new device. Then we will flood the canyon, creating a nearly limitless power! DOUG: Uh, wouldn't it be easier to just take over an EXISTING power plant? EL PRESIDENTE: I want the weapons and the computer systems. SWINDLE: But what about the other parts? EL PRESIDENTE: They are worthless. Take them to a dump. SIPHER: Wait, I thought Swindle was BUYING parts for... did we miss a page of the script? (Skywarp flies over the desert.) SKYWARP: I'm over the Combaticons' headquarters now. They do not answer my landing requests. MEGATRON: (over radio) Decepticons do not have to request anything from Combaticons! PHIL: But we do anyway. It's nice. (Skywarp lands.) SKYWARP: There's no sign of 'em! Wait a second! There's a part of one of the Combaticons! DOUG: (Skywarp) Eyuw, GROSS! MEGATRON: Does it look like there's been a battle? SKYWARP: No. Just a trail of parts! SIPHER: (Skywarp) Leadin' to a gingerbread house! MEGATRON: Follow the trail, dummy! (Sigil transition) (Swindle is toting a trailer of junk.) PHIL: So all the Combaticons fit in that little wagon? DOUG: Except for Swindle. PHIL: (sarcastic) Oh, NOW it makes PERFECT sense. (Swindle enters a junkyard) JUNKYARD ATTENDANT: What's goin' on?? SIPHER: Hey, it's Luigi! SWINDLE: I'm unloading some junk. You got a problem with that? JUNKYARD ATTENDANT: Uh, n-n-no, sir. SIPHER: Mama mi-a! (Starscream and Skywarp fly overhead in jet mode.) STARSCREAM: So that's where all the parts are! I think that sleaze is up to something! (Swindle sees them and transforms to jeep mode. Starscream swoops in and grabs Swindle. Somehow.) PHIL: Oh no, what did he just GRAB him with?! SIPHER: EEEUUUUGH. (Swindle is on his knees before Megatron) SWINDLE: It's... it's not my fault, Megatron! This greed is built into my personality component! MEGATRON: I want Bruticus reassembled, and I want it now! SIPHER: "Booticus"? MEGATRON: And as an extra added incentive, Soundwave is installing a bomb in your head. PHIL: "The Island". STARSCREAM: And if you haven't reassembled Bruticus in 15 hours, it will go off! DOUG: So... you won't have ANY Bruticus at ALL. Good plan! (Swindle takes some parts from some Saudi jets. Shot of the Saudis yelling and complaining) ALL: (Improv bad Saudi "arglebargle stereotype argle camel bargle") (Sigil transition) PHIL: Well, THAT was an important scene. (A Russian guard notices Swindle. The Decepticon tears open a hangar door and flings it aside, entering.) DOUG: (Little strained) Oh man, I REALLY gotta go... (Shot from the inside of the hangar as the gaurds enter) DOUG: Aaaaaaahhhhh... (The guards fire at Swindle, who is pulling a turret off of a tank) SWINDLE: Sorry, but I need the parts back! RUSSIAN GUARD: Then give us our rubles back! SIPHER: I want my rublebackrublebackrubleback... (Back at Decep HQ, the Combaticons stand in a row) MEGATRON: Very good, Swindle! Your head will continue to keep your body company. Transform to Bruticus! (The Combaticons gather, save Brawl. Swindle grabs his arm and leads him to the group) PHIL: Here, honey... STARSCREAM: Something is definitely wrong! (The Combaticons actually form a "human" pyramid before attempting to combine) ALL: GO TEAM GOOOAAAAAGH OW OW (improv pain) MEGATRON: SWINDLE!!! SWINDLE: Megatron, I-I-I couldn't find Brawl's personality component! I didn't think it would matter. PHIL: (Swindle) Since he doesn't HAVE a personality. MEGATRON: Well, think about this! The bomb still ticks! Bring back the personality component in time, or disintegrate trying! DOUG: Thus further crippling Bruticus. GOOD PLAN, MEGS. (Sigil transition. A high school) MR. ROBBINS: Good morning, class. Today I promised to demonstrate a laser beam. (Shot of the students, including one who looks like Mork) SIPHER: Nanoo nanoo! STUDENT: Aren't lasers dangerous, sir? (Shot of the teacher) MR. ROBBINS: Er, not this one. PHIL: Man, Spider-Man really let himself go. MR. ROBBINS: Now let me show you how it works. (He turns on the laser, which blasts through the little shiled-thing, his books, and the window) SIPHER: (scream of agony slightly muffled by distance) MR. ROBBINS: What the-- (turns off the laser) I don't understand! (Two students up front laugh.) SIPHER: (Mork again, laughing) Nanoohoohoohoo! MR. ROBBINS: Oh, yes, I do understand. (Bell rings) Class dismissed! DOUG: The one-minute class. MR. ROBBINS: Martin, Roland, I know that somehow you guys boosted the output power on that laser. MARTIN: Aw, come on. ROLAND: (Yet Martin's lips are moving) We wouldn't do anything like THAT. SIPHER: Oh, they're a ventriloquist act. MR. ROBBINS: ...you two think you're too smart for this class, so I'll tell you what you're going to do. PHIL: Bite me. MR. ROBBINS: You're going to get a blue ribbon at the science fair, or flunk my course. Oh, and just to prove I'm not a rotten guy, I'm assigning Elise Presser to help. (The two stop at the classroom door that's wide enough for them to walk out of side-by-side) SIPHER: That is a bigass door. PHIL: Or they're small-ass people. SIPHER: True. (Sigil transition) (Shot of Elise) DOUG: Velma?! ELISE: ...just told me we're supposed to work together. MARTIN: I think you should work together. ROLAND: (Ventriloquisting again) And we'll work alone. PHIL: (Lewdly) If you know what we mean. (Shot of a talllllll building almost totally engulfed in fire) DOUG: They only JUST noticed the towering inferno there. (The Protectobots drive/fly up) FIRST AID: Stay calm! We're coming up for you! (The Protectobots transform to robot mode) MARTIN: What the heck are those things? GROOVE: Some liquid nitrogen oughtta cool things off around here! (He shoots pink foam at the fire.) DOUG: It's Barbie Dream Liquid Nitrogen. HOT SPOT: And what you can't reach, I can! (Blades transforms BACK to copter mode and flies to the two window- washers on the half-fallen scaffold. The wind knocks them off) PHIL: Blades you BASTARD! SCAFFOLD WORKER: Aaaaaaahh! (Streetwise runs up...) SIPHER: My unyeilding metal arms will save them! ROLAND: Wow... say, you know what we ought to do for the science project? ELISE: What? DOUG & PHIL: SET A BUILDING ON FIRE! (overhead shot of a junkyard) ROLAND: Yech! Whose idea was it to look for parts in the dump? ELISE: Uh, well, we can't afford to buy parts, and there's lots of perfectly good junk here, so I think that-- ROLAND: Save it. ELISE: But look at this! DOUG: A dead muskrat! ELISE: I bet this is good for something! I don't know what... (Shot of the thing that she picked up) SIPHER: OH NO, NOT THE... uh... THING! (The school lab at night) ELISE: We're gonna be expelled! I-I don't-- MARTIN: Shhhh! ROLAND: I'm still not too sure we can do it. ALL: (Embarrassed coughing) MARTIN: Hey, guys, I got a name! I'd call it a Biotronic Operational Telecommunicator, which pretty much describes its function. SIPHER: Yeah, well, I call you a jagoff, which pretty much describes YOUR function. MARTIN: ... you get B.O.T., also short for robot. B.O.T.! (B.O.T. stands completed. Martin connects two power cords. B.O.T. is covered in electricity) PHIL: WAIT! The governer's called with a par- oh, DAMN. DOUG: It's a Texas high school. MARTIN: B.O.T., say "Martin." SIPHER: MART-IIIIIIIIIIN! WHAT UP?! MART-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN! ELISE: Look! I got the strangest meter readings off this box! PHIL: What does "Red-Hot Lover" mean? (Elise puts the thing in B.O.T.'s head) ELISE: Here goes nothing! MARTIN: You can say that again. (B.O.T. knocks Elise to the ground.) SIPHER: (Robot voice) OLD PEOPLES' MEDICINE. OLD PEOPLES' MEDICINE. OLD PEOPLES' MEDICINE!!! ROLAND: Duck! (They duck a flying chair) MARTIN: You must have made him angry when you said he was no good! ELISE: Uh! Maybe I wired the box in wrong! PHIL: I'm the girl so it's obviously my fault! ROLAND: I think we'd better shut him off! MARTIN: Good idea! How? (B.O.T. swipes chemicals off the table, causing an explosion) DOUG: This is how he became the mighty superhero ROBO-BOT! COMMERICAL BREAK (B.O.T. lifts a table over his head) SIPHER: (Jerry Lawler) I can't believe it, J.R., he's goin' for the table! ELISE: Now, B.O.T., we built you, so I don't really think you should be acting like this, do you? MARTIN: I've got an Einstein! Wait here! PHIL: I'll run away! BRILLIANT! MARTIN: Tadah! Mighty Martin to the rescue! (He brandishes the laser, which fires, striking B.O.T.'s hand and knocking the whatever he's holding away.) ELISE: Martin, no! SIPHER: Jagoff! (B.O.T. smashes through a wall) DOUG: Oh, it's Vyvyan-Bot. ELSIE: Now you've done it! I had him almost under control, and now he's gone off to do who knows what and we can't stop him! ROLAND: Hey, you're right! We can't stop him, but I know who can! ALL: GHOSTBUSTERS! (They enter a colossal computer room full of giant-ass stations) SIPHER: What the HELL kind of high school IS this? MARTIN: Hey, bright boy, how're you gonna find 'em? ELISE: Yeah. They're not listed in the yellow pages. ROLAND: We'll let the computer do the walking. DOUG: You already DID, that's the PROBLEM. (The Autobot base) GEARS: I've got a distress signal. (Shot of Gears at the console. "SOS" in calculator-letters is flashing on the screen.) PHIL: (Gears) Anyone know a "5-0-5"? GEARS: ...with the inscription "Benjamin Franklin Pierce High School." IRONHIDE: Mighty funny name for a defense establishment. OPTIMUS PRIME: Hmm. Ironhide, you, Bumblebee, and Gears check it out. DOUG: (Optimus) I'm staying here to watch Oprah. (At the junkyard, Swindle threatens Luigi.) SWINDLE: Listen, biological blob. PHIL: Isn't that a MegaMan X boss? SWINDLE: ... or be the first man IN the Moon! JUNKYARD ATTENDANT: M-maybe those kids took it! SWINDLE: You better hope so. (Swindle walks off) SIPHER: (Luigi) Wait, doncha wanna know what-a kids? (The three kids wait outside the high school. In daylight.) PHIL: Wasn't it nighttime five minutes ago? (The Autobots drive up.) ROLAND: You're not the Protectobots. BUMBLEBEE: We're the Autobots! PHIL: We're all bots, like your bot, but not! Ain't that hot? MARTIN: Come on! It sounds like it's coming from the cafeteria! DOUG: (Barth) Dyyyaaaaaaiiii HEARD that. (They open the door to the cafeteria) SIPHER: (incredulous) ANOTHER bigass door! GEARS: We came all the way out here for that hunk of junk? ELISE: Don't insult him! It makes him mad! (B.O.T. picks up a corn tray) PHIL: (Elise) And then he serves corn! (B.O.T. knocks over all three Autobots by throwing a TRAY OF CORN at them.) SIPHER: Heavy corn. GEARS: Now *I'M* mad! (Gears shoots at B.O.T., who lifts a lid that bounces the laser beam back at Gears, knocking him over.) DOUG: So Autobots are weaker than kitchenware. BUMBLEBEE: Heheh! Trash cans seem to get smarter all the time! IRONHIDE: Here! Munch a little lead! (He shoots some molten lead at B.O.T., who grabs a light fixture to dodge) IRONHIDE: Well, if that don't fry my circuits! (The floor under Ironhide collapses) PHIL: And Ironhide gets DUMBER all the time! GEARS: This is so degrading! (Bumblebee tries to open the door B.O.T. just ran out of.) BUMBLEBEE: (Straining) The door won't budge! GEARS: Move over, little guy. SIPHER: You're ALL little in this episode! (Gears shoulder-rams the door, which dents a little but doesn't move.) GEARS: I don't get it! This is just a wooden door! DOUG: So three kids can accidentally make a robot smarter than all of the Autobots. PHIL: Using BRAWL. (Outside, B.O.T. runs for it.) BUMBLEBEE: There! (B.O.T runs for a dilapidated building and enters an elevator. Swindle looks on, the sound of the bomb ticking.) SIPHER: I'm Ed Bradley... MARTIN: Hi-ho Autobots! ALL: SHUT UP, JAGOFF. IRONHIDE: Hold on! You kids better wait here. This could be dangerous. (The Autobots run into the building) BUMBLEBEE: He's thirty floors up! (Ironhide jams a stick in the elevator door.) IRONHIDE: Let's get 'im! DOUG: (Ironhide) With this STICK! MARTIN: I'm tired of waiting. SIPHER: Yeah, those five seconds were a nightmare. PHIL: EVERY five seconds of this is a nightmare. DOUG: This might be the most aggressively dumb episode we've done yet. ELISE: I don't think we should be in here! (Roland pulls the stick from the doors) SIPHER: (Ironhide) Hey, who's yankin' my stick! MARTIN: Come on! They must be upstairs! PHIL: Why's there a working elevator in a condemned building? (A blast erupts behind the Autobots) IRONHIDE: Start firin'! BUMBLEBEE: At what? IRONHIDE: Just shoot! He's got to be up there somewhere! (They shoot a few feet ahead, blsting the crap out of the wall.) IRONHIDE: Stop firin'! If he's up there, we hit 'im! SIPHER: If he was IN PLAIN SIGHT DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU WHICH HE WAS NOT, you hit him! (The elevator shakes) ROLAND: We stopped! ELISE PRESSER: Oh, I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! ROLAND: Boost me up! (They lift Roland up, giving us an unrestricted view of his area) DOUG: (Smooth) This is for the ladies! ROLAND: Don't worry, the power went out! PHIL: I THINK that's cause to worry thirty floors up, dink. (B.O.T. is pulling at the elevator wires) SIPHER: I'm starting to root for B.O.T. DOUG: Yeah, me too. COMMERCIAL BREAK (Roland looks up mouth open) SIPHER: (Mo-Ron/Homsar random AAAAUUUUUUUAAAA idiocy.) (B.O.T. is shot! Back to the same shot of Roland staring agape) SIPHER: (Mo-Ron/Homsar again) ROLAND: There's somethin' fishy goin' on up there! (The Autobots pick themselves up from the rubble) DOUG: Wait, Swindle beat the crap out of all three of them? Did we miss another script page? (The kids see Swindle leaving) MARTIN: What was that?? ROLAND: I don't know, but it went that way! PHIL: Shaggy, Scoob, you che- oh. (They all exit. Swindle transforms and drives away, still ticking) SIPHER: (Hurried and from a distance) This is Sixty Min- ELISE: What was that?? ROLAND: We've never seen that one before, have we? BUMBLEBEE: That was Swindle, a Combaticon. They're Decepticons! DOUG: Thanks, you've explained everything. MARTIN: We should've just taken the F in Science. (sigil transition) (Soundwave installs Brawl's brain.) SIPHER: (Soundwave) Do you part on the left, honey. BRAWL: Uaaahh! MEGATRON: You have vindicated yourself, Swindle. SWINDLE: (Smarmily) Yes, thank you, Megatron. SIPHER: (Peter Lorre) Riiick. MEGATRON: BUT, if you ever pull a stunt like that again, I'll melt you down for scraptutonium. PHIL: Scraptutonium could mean real advances in the field of science. MEGATRON: Combaticons, form Bruticus! (They leap to the air) DOUG: (Megatron) NO, do the pyramid, you're RUINING it for me! (High school, Elise is digging through B.O.T.'s skull.) ELISE: This is really weird! That funny component is gone! ROLAND: Yeah... it must have belonged to the Combaticon. MARTIN: I'll bet that's what turned B.O.T. into a violent maniac. ALL: (sarcastic) NOOOOOOOOOOO. ELISE: Well, it's just a good thing that there's no way to find out for sure, because I don't think we should get involved, do you? MARTIN: Wait a minute! This is it! ROLAND: That's just a graph of the brain response we got when that box was hooked up to the scope. PHIL: That is to say, none whatsoever. ELISE: We shouldn't do this! (The kids drive along a beach road in a red VW bug convertable) MARTIN: Slow down, Elise. We're getting close. DOUG: Oh, and swerve dangerously towards the cliff. ROLAND: What's wrong, ace? MARTIN: Uh, this thing says that box is somewhere out there. SIPHER: (singing) Where love can see us throouuuuugh... ELISE: Wait, check this out. (Elise taps a computer-thingy making beepy noises) PHIL: I have a Moog synthesizer! MARTIN: Huh? ELISE: I'll bet we can find them with B.O.T.'s speech synthesizer. ROLAND: Huh? MARTIN: I get it. You rewired it! Instead of synthesizing and transmitting, it now receives and decodes! ALL: WRONG. ELISE: Let's see if it works. (She puts on some headphones then hands the boys a set) MEGATRON: (over the kids' headphones) There's one Earth rotation left until we blast the Moon out of orbit. PHIL: This station sucks. MEGATRON: But first I want to test-fire the orbit disruptor. STARSCREAM: And what do you propose to use for a target? DOUG: (Megatron) Bend over. MEGATRON: (Chuckles) Why, none other than Autobot Headquarters! SIPHER: Because that's in orbit. Right. MARTIN: We've gotta warn the Autobots! (sigil transition) ELISE: So when we heard that, we thought that we'd better get to you right away, you know. OPTIMUS PRIME: You did the right thing. Maybe we can still stop the Decepticons. Only Defensor can stand against Bruticus. SIPHER: Or a kid with a BB gun or even a butterfly. ROLAND: Couldn't somebody else pick up this signal? IRONHIDE: It's on a sub-frequency range, which no Earth equipment can receive. PHIL: X-M Radio. SIPHER: BURRRRRRN. (Close-up of a building in the city. There's a big billboard on top with a can and just a large "E") DOUG: Mmmm. E Cola. (Sipher & Phil make choking-back-vomit noises) DOUG: That cool, refreshing taste of uncooked beef. (Sipher & Phil strain hard not to puke.) STREETWISE: The Autobots need us! DOUG: Nice LIPS. (Sigil transition) MEGATRON: Combaticons, transform to Bruticus! (They do. The Autobots appears and start firing. Bruticus tries to shield himself) STARSCREAM: Your stupid warrior is just standing there! PHIL: Hey, YOU built him, Screamer! MEGATRON: Bruticus! Transform back to the Combaticons! (A blast sends Bruticus falling backwards and splitting up) SIPHER: Yes, ONLY DEFENSOR can stand up to THIS. Oy. IRONHIDE: Now I'll get that cheap chiseler Swindle! (Swindle transforms to jeep mode and fires, hitting Ironhide) OPTIMUS PRIME: Gears, Wheeljack, take the left flank! DOUG: (Prime) And find out where the hell everyone went! (Onslaught transforms to gun-trailer-truck) BUMBLEBEE: Optimus, look out! (Prime takes a shot to the chest) OPTIMUS PRIME: Aahhh! SIPHER: (Nelson) Ha-HA! GEARS: Wheeljack, your gyro inhibitor! (Wheeljack sends sonic waves or something from his forehead) PHIL: Or your Aquaman powers, either one! STARSCREAM: I'll show those putrid louts how to fight! (He transforms. Streetwise drives up and transforms badly) PHIL: And people complained about Beast Machines' transformations. STREETWISE: Hey, Screamer! Your pilot's license just expired! (He shoots screamer, sending him flying... the bad kind of flying) STARSCREAM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh! SIPHER: (crying) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahamommmeeeeeeeeeee... (The Decepticons run up, then stop... next to a wall that wasn't there in the last shot) DOUG: Where did that wall come from?! (Megatron transforms into gun mode, and Soundwave catches him. SIPHER: I'm just gonna take a little nap until the action scene is over. PHIL: Uh, I don't think you can- SIPHER: The hell I can't. This is MY show. (puts head down) DOUG: I thought we had an evil overlord. SIPHER: We do. And that evil overlord says I can take a nap RIGHT NOW because this is boring and he regrets me choosing this dumb, dumb episode. PHIL: Can... we take a nap too? SIPHER: Sure, why not. (Passes out pillows) ELISE: You're right! He's right! That gives me an idea! We can do something to help! Don't you think? ALL: SHUT UP. (Sigil transition) (B.O.T. runs out of Autobot HQ) ROLAND: Okay, you got him there. But can you make him do what we want? ELISE: I can do anything, or haven't you noticed? SIPHER: (Frank Bulter) No you can't! PHIL: (Annie Oakley) Yes I caaan! SIPHER: No you can't! PHIL: Yes I caaan! (The Protectobots combine into Defensor) DOUG: Hey, that transformation sequence was way too short. (A few Autotbots run towards Defensor, who puts up a force field) PHIL: (Prime) Screw the other Autobots, at least WE'RE safe. MEGATRON: Hold your fire! There's a force field up! (Bruticus re-combines and runs behind the big cannon-thing. There's a few seconds' wait. Defensor lets the field down) MEGATRON: Fire!! (One shot sends Defensor on his ass, split up) SIPHER: This is the worst advertisement for the combiners possible. MEGATRON: Now, Bruticus! Fire your disruptor! (The disruptor turns suddenly and blasts Starscream, who goes flying) PHIL: (Starscream) Team Rocket's blasting off AGAAAAAIN! MEGATRON: Not this way, you traitorous oaf! BRUTICUS: I can't control it! DOUG: (Bruticus) I keep EATING and EATING. (The beam hits Soundwave, who also goes flying) SIPHER: Wheee! (B.O.T. is working the cannon) PHIL: Why'd they need Bruticus if there's a normal-sized cont- (Close-up of the panel being operated) PHIL: The only MARKED CONTROL IS "OVERLOAD". WHAT THE HELL? (The cannon goes ka-flooey) SIPHER: Gentlemen, we may have found something to dethrone the Big Blue Griffin. DOUG: Oooh, I dunno. This one at least makes sense in THEORY. (Sigil transition) OPTIMUS PRIME: We wish to thank you for your help. ELISE: Oh, we couldn't have done it without Teletraan 1, you know. BUMBLEBEE: Sorry about your robot. MARTIN: Well, let's just say he "B.O.T." the big one? ALL: JAGOFF. ELISE: Anyway, we could always build another one, don't you think? You guys wouldn't have any spare parts lying around that we could use, would you? (Roland and Martin TAPE ELISE'S MOUTH SHUT) SIPHER: WHAT?! ALL: (assorted loud angry boos and jeering as the boys drag Elise away. Sipher clearly yells "mysogynistic crapholes" at some point.) SIPHER: (Iacon One only line!!!) Man, I know what'll make us feel better after this turd... get the boombox... [pause tape, house lights up] *************************************************************************** SKIT THREE V.I1: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! *************************************************************************** [THIS SKIT IS ONLY FOR THE BISECTED IACON ONE PERFORMANCE!] (All three are groaning audibly. This one hurt. A lot.) PHIL: Oh, man, that was TERRIBLE! I don't think I've ever had an episode DO this to me! SIPHER: No kidding. People complain about "Carnage in C-Minor", but at least that had a plot that made a modicum of sense and actually had story continuity. PHIL: That epiosde just... it kicked you in the groin every five seconds to remind you how BAD it was. DOUG: It was like shoving cherry popcicles into your eye sockets over and over again. Only with a BAD side to it. (Walky walks in, still clearly reading from a script) WALKY: (REALLY unconvincing evil laughter) Yes, my fab... my fabulous blunderbirds. The data from that... um... episode... SIPHER: (Turning and screaming) GO AWAY!!! (Walky squeals and runs for it.) PHIL: (Perks up) Hey, I know what we can do to ignore the pain of B.O.T.! DOUG: What, systematically break every bone in my left hand? SIPHER: Get dysentary? PHIL: We can take a break and let Bob Budiansky and Don Figueroa have the room for an hour! SIPHER: And THEY can deal with the psychological backlash the audience would normally project towards us! DOUG: That's BRILLIANT! SIPHER: (Guinness beer guy) BRILLIANT! PHIL: No, I mea- SIPHER: BOB, DON, IT'S ALL YOURS! (Doug and Sipher bolt, leaving Phil alone. A few sceonds pause while Phil wonders just what the hell he's going to do. He sighs, shrugs and just gets up and walks away without a word.) [House lights down, TO BE CONTINUED on the screen... and stop for the Bob/Don panel] *************************************************************************** SKIT THREE: WE DID THIS SKIT BECAUSE GOD TOLD US TO *************************************************************************** (A boombox is put on the table and the CD plays. The theme tune to Pepsiman begins. Nothing is said until the first time the song goes PEPSIMAAAAAN!) SIPHER: In 2005, Takara and Pepsi revisited an old concept, the 1985 Pepsi- deco'd Optimus Prime, by creating PEPSI CONVOY, a new character who shares an origin with the mighty soda mascot... (Pause for the song to belt out PEPSIMAAAAAAAAAAAAN!) SIPHER: So in the spirit of this most awesome item and with our infinite ability to peer into the future, we present more cross-branded Transformers! DOUG: With five proof-of-purchase of delicious suger-frosted corn flakes cereal, you can get this special orange-and-blue, Tony the Tiger- inspired Frosted Flakes Tigatron. You must eat this cereal because God told you to. SIPHER: It's not easy being cheesy, but it's easy to want these tasty crunchy cheese-snacks thanks to the advertising charms of this ultra- gear Maximal! Yes, it's Cheetor Chee-Tohs... no, Chee-Tohs Cheetoy! No, Cheetorg... Chitty Chitty Bang-Bang... Choot... Chim-Chim! Chitlins! No... (Sipher starts to trail off, further mangling the name, until they are interrupted by a PEPSIMAAAAAAAAAAAAN! He continues to try the name while Phil presents the next item.) PHIL: Are ants and roaches invading your home? Well, now you can eliminate them quickly and SEXILY with the new BLACK-FLAG-ARACHNIA. It's hot, poisonous and deadly... FOR BUGS! (deeper-tone "warning" voice) Not for use by small children, always play in a well-ventilated area. DOUG: Big spills are no match for this tough Autobot... yes, it's Paper Towels Brawn! He's rugged, but absorbant enough even to soak up neutron cannon fire! SIPHER: Kids and kids-at-heart love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! And now, you can turn your sandwich into a hot-rodding super-sammich with new Smucker's-brand Hot Shot JAAAAAMS. Yes, with a name like Smucker's, YOU MINE NOW. (Song: PEPSIMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!) PHIL: Keeping with spreads, you've got a delicious bagel all toasted up, now what are you going to put on top of it? You need a hardy, reliable spread! Yes, it's Springer's I Can't Beleive It's Not Butter Things To Do Tonight Than Die. (Sipher and Doug audibly groan) DOUG: That was a HELL of a long way to go for a lame joke. PHIL: Yeah, whaddayagonnado. (Song: PEPSIMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!) SIPHER: Hasbro is sympathetic to the ever-growing female fan segment. Yes, now you can stoop to conquer unsightly leg hairs with new Airazor shaving blades. Getting you ready for the tiger in YOUR life. PHIL: And that's not the only female-aimed product in the wings! Thanks to Hasbro's deal with with Proctor and Gamble, we are proud to announce new Fortress Maxi- DOUG & SIPHER: NO! (Song: PEPSIMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!) DOUG: Still on the subject of ladies, but on the other side, NOTHING drives women wild like non-transforming action figures. So, Master YOUR Action with new body-spray Axer! SIPHER: Of course, Takara isn't resting on their Pepsi Convoy laurels. They're combining the power of a Decepticon air warrior with the Colonel's secret formula! KFC in Japan will soon be bringing you Thunderclucker's Sake-Fried Chicken. PHIL: Similar to the already-popular Star Wars Transformers, with Hasbro now manufacturing and distributing the Marvel Toy Biz toys, we can expect new X-Men Transformers. SIPHER: They did that already. PHIL: You mean Toy Biz's Megamorphs? SIPHER: No, I mean Dreamwave. PHIL: What? SIPHER: They turned Megatron into Magneto. PHIL: Oh yeah. (Pause) SIPHER: That sure killed the momentum of THIS skit, didn't it? DOUG: Yep. PHIL: So... Beast Wars pilot episodes? DOUG: Yep. (SONG: PEPSIMAAAAAAAAAAAAN! PEPSI-PEPSI, PEPSIMAAAAAAAAAAN!) (Fade audio down as the vocal repeats) [house lights down, unpause tape] *************************************************************************** EPISODE THREE: BEAST WARS (PART 1) *************************************************************************** (Title text) "BEAST WARS" (Part 1) Written By BOB FORWARD PHIL: Bob Forward? Okay... (All three start to bob back and forth) (The Predacon ship comes through the warp hole, spraying laser fire behind it) SIPHER: (Starts singing the Imperial March) (The Axalon takes a hit) CHEETOR: UGH! Hull breach in sector seven! DOUG: We're losing polygons fast! RATTRAP: Oh, MAN, this is ridiculous! We're an exploration ship, not a battle cruiser! SIPHER: OR a dessert topping! PHIL: What? OPTIMUS: Our ship was the only one that could lock onto Megatron's warp signature! CHEETOR: Shields are doing a major fade! DOUG: Like Kid 'N' Play? (The Predacon ship) DINOBOT: Their shields are down! DESTROY THEM! MEGATRON: Now where's the fun in that? A little TORMENT I think first, yess! SIPHER: (Megatron) Get out the Tom Goes To The Mayor DVDs. (The Predacon ship pulls left, and the Axalon comes up way too close behind) PHIL: (horn-honk) TURN signal, dickweed! (The side of the Axalon gets serval holes blasted into it.) CHEETOR: Rupture! The stasis hold is failing! RHINOX: We're goin' down. SIPHER: (smooth) AWW YEAH. OPTIMUS: Launch all pods! Get them into safe orbit! SIPHER: (Increasingly angrier) Bye, Rampage! Bye, Packrat! Bye, Grimlock! Bye, Ultra Magnus! BYE, BLUDGEON! BYE, XAARON! BYE PRIMUS BYE EVERY IMPORTANT CHARACTER EVER AARRRRGGGHHH (starts crying) DOUG: (consoling) There there, it's okay. SIPHER: (crying) No it isn't. OPTIMUS: All plasma cannons! FIRE! (It fires.) DOUG: All one plasma cannons! (The shots rip through the Predacon ship. There is a bizarre noise that might be Megatron yelling in anger) SIPHER: (More ridiculous version of the noise) (The ships enter the atmosphere, out of control. Long shot of the two falling, bright dots in the skyfollowed by trails) ALL: (Singing) When you wish upon a staaaarrrr, dreams will take you very faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-(going panicky) (The ships hit, the impact light is seen) ALL: -AAAAAAAAAAAAA OWW (improv pain and anguish) (Shot changes to the Axalon's landing spot) SIPHER: And Mutual of Omaha is there. (The Axalon vents fumes) PHIL: Aw man, Cheetor beefed. OPTIMUS: (groaning) Damage report. CHEETOR: Believe me, you don't wanna know. DOUG: (Cheetor) I need a mop. (Shot of a volcanic wasteland) SIPHER: Isn't this where Prime meets Tommy Kennedy? (The camera moves in, and we get a clearer look at the fallen Predacon ship, in the middle of a giant lava plug) PHIL: Oh good, they found a parking spot. MEGATRON: Navigation! Is this the right planet? (Interior of the ship. An unknown Pred body is being hauled on and overhead conveyor-arm system) SIPHER: Wheee! DOUG: Raise your hands if you want to go FASTER! COMPUTER: ... inconsistant with those expected for intended destination. MEGATRON: Never mind that! SIPHER: (Megatron) Here come the Sex Pistols! COMPUTER: Confirmed. MEGATRON: Yess! The planet has energon! COMPUTER: Too much energon. PHIL: (Computer) Ironhide is clogging shelves. COMPUTER: Continued exposure to robotic forms will result in permanent damage. (Megatron slams his fist down) ALL: (light jump) MEGATRON: Then we will create ALTERNATE forms, based on the most powerful local creatures! DOUG: THAT makes sense. TARANTULAS: Scanners (chuckles) activated! PHIL: Man, it'd suck for them if the most powerful local creatures were, like, caterpillars. SIPHER: Mite Wars. (The scanner beam crosses over some rocks, illuminating som dino- dones. Tarantulas looks at a readout of a t-rex) SIPHER: Hey, there's a lawyer inside this one. (A wasp and spider square off as the beam passes over them) DOUG: (Tarantulas) Forget dinosaurs, I'm going for a spider! They're WAY more powerful! (The Axalon sends out its own scanner-beam. A gorilla and rat are in a tree, with a rhino below, and they are scanned.) PHIL: Gorillas, rats and rhinos. Nature's roommates. (More scanning, this time of a pair of lounging cheetahs) SIPHER: (Dramatic voice) WHEN ANIMALS NAP. (The beams fade out with weird tones) DOUG: Who let John Tesh in here? RHINOX: Scanning and replication of local life-forms... complete. SIPHER: (smooth) AWW YEAH. (Cheetor stands up and stretches) CHEETOR: RRRROWR! Hey, look at me! I'm a cheetah! No... no! I'm CHEETOR! (Shot of Optimus's beast-mode eyes) OPTIMUS: (bored-sounding) Hmm. Interesting. DOUG: (Primal) You're more retarded than I thought. CHEETOR: Optimus, word is "spot-on smooth"! SIPHER: Uh, that's two words. PHIL: Three. SIPHER: Shut up. (Rattrap steps out from behind a CR chamber) RATTRAP: Eeeehhhhn, a bit tacky. Heh, ya never had taste, did ya, kid? Now THIS... (stands on his hind legs) THIS, is what class is all about. Call me... SIPHER: RATMAN. CHEETOR: Oh yeah? How about I cut meeses to pieces? RHINOX: Ease back, Cheetor. Livin' large is for forms like me. RHINOX. ALL: (smooth) AAAAAW YEEEAAAAAHHH. RATTRAP: ...consider yourself LUCKY I didn't get ROUGH on yas! (The CR chamber opens) OPTIMUS: Moderate your conflict circuits, Maximals! DOUG: (Same tone) Stop talking gibberish, commander. (Optimus emerges) OPTIMUS: ... are to protect us from the long-term effects of the energon out there. We may need energon for power, but this is too much of a good thing! PHIL: (Cheetor) Like the time I ate five pies, Optimus? OPTIMUS: Our robot forms will start to short out after a few minutes' exposure. (Shot of the Axalon) OPTIMUS: This is one unusal planet. SIPHER: No shadows anywhere. RHINOX: Or whenever. The transwarp drive can go through space AND time. We were locked onto Megatron's warp signature. We could be... anyplace, anytime. PHIL: I hope it's 1984. I'd be Ironhide. OPTIMUS: And our crew is orbiting the planet in those stasis pods we lost in battle. SIPHER: LOST? You DUMPED them! OPTIMUS: ... it means Megatron has us outnumbered! DOUG: Eh, they'll probably fall in the lava when no-one's looking. (Cut back to the Predacon ship. Zoom in on Dinobot, who is holding a golden disk in his claw.) DINOBOT: No, NO, NO!! It's all wrong! DOUG: (Dinobot) Optimus cannot be a stupid MONKEY! DINOBOT: Megatron! You FAILED! Not only did you FAIL to destroy the Maximals when you had the chance, SIPHER: (Dinobot) You FAILED to appreciate the importance of the second law of thermodynamics! DINOBOT: We stole the Golden Disk for NOTHING! You IDIOT! (He throws the disk into the shadows of the ship. Megatron slowly emerges as a bigass t-rex) MEGATRON: I beg your pardon. WHAT did you call me? DINOBOT: You heard. DOUG: (Dinobot) "Sex Poodle". DINOBOT: And *I* am taking over! Dinobot, SIPHER: DISAGREE! (He transforms to robot mode) DINOBOT: I challenge you to battle, Megatron! The winner shall lead the Predacons, and the loser- SIPHER: Gets to do something special with Drew Carrey. MEGATRON: Ah, you're so impulsive, Dinobot. Brave... but misguided. (He turns away) SIPHER: (Megatron) I have to go walk the dinosaur, if you know what I mean. MEGATRON: (laughing) There's more to being a leader than simple courage. Well, there's cleverness, and cunning as well! DOUG: (Megatron) And hanging chads. MEGATRON: Isn't that right... Scorponok? (He moves aside to reveal Scorponok in robot mode. Reaction shot of Dinobot) SIPHER: (tiny voice) Mother! (Scorponok fires a missile that nails Dinobot in the gut and sends him flying.) DOUG: (Dinobot) Team Rocket (snort) is blasting off agaaaaaaaainnnn... MEGATRON: What does it matter which planet we're on? PHIL: Well, being on Pluto would kind of suck. MEGATRON: And this planet is RICH with the element! Enough energon to power the Predacons' entire galactic conquest! SIPHER: (Megatron) There's five of us, so we'll only need about ten pounds. MEGATRON: ... if they survived the crash. (To the remaining Predacons) FIND THEM. And if you find them... PHIL: Grind them. MEGATRON: ... DESTROY them. PHIL: Oh. (The Predacons scatter as the music swells) DOUG: (Megatron) Terrorsaur, stop playing that guitar and get to work! COMMERCIAL BREAK (Shot of the Axalon exterior. Rattrap comes down on the elevator platform, tossing some scrap metal away.) PHIL: That's the last of Cheetor's stuff. RATTRAP: Aw, MAN. All this for a golden disk. (Close-up of Optimus' eye, doing some telescopic vision stuff.) SIPHER: Hey-hey, she's nude! OPTIMUS: Its was Cybertron's most carefully-guarded relic, Rattrap. DOUG: Next to the Billy Bass singing fish. OPTIMUS: That's why Megatron stole it. RATTRAP: Yeah, like I care. Y'know, we were SUPPOSED to be doin' deep-space exploration. PHIL: We still might. Bend over. RATTRAP: ...wasn't nowhere in MY job description, y'know what I'm sayin? You sure you're cut out for this commander gig? OPTIMUS: (sigh) Remember the Great War, Rattrap. DOUG: Wasn't it awesome? OPTIMUS: ...enough energon, they'll start it again. We can't let that happen. (more upbeat now) Besides, you wanted exploration, and here we are, on an unknown planet. What more do you want? SIPHER: That pantsless girl from the Go-Bots video? RATTRAP: ... a working spacecraft might be nice. OPTIMUS: (sigh) There's just no pleasing some people. ALL: Transformers fans? (Cheetor hops down) CHEETOR: Hey, check it! (Shot of a pair of cheetahs racing into the distance) PHIL: Not the first to run away from Cheetor, and not the last, either. OPTIMUS: They're fast all right. You chose a good form. CHEETOR: Hey, you think THAT'S SPEED? You ain't seen the golden rocket! SIPHER: (Phil Ken Sebben) Ha HAA! UNFORTUNATE PHRASING. OPTIMUS: Cheetor, no! (Cheetor runs) SIPHER: BACON BACON BACON BACON... (Cheetor rowls) SIPHER: BACOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!! (Optimus taps his chest, presumably opening a comm channel) OPTIMUS: Cheetor, return to base immediately! We don't have time for this! DOUG: We only have eighteen minutes per episode! RHINOX: No good. The energon fields mess up the commlinks. Anything over a hundred meters, they ain't worth scrap. OPTIMUS: Well, that's just prime. PHIL: I smell a catchphrase! RATTRAP: So, this your first day on the job or what? OPTIMUS: Shut up, Rattrap. DOUG & PHIL: I smell a catchphrase! RATTRAP: Y'know, I feel just HEAPS better knowin' that our lives are in YOUR capable hands. (pause) We're all gonna die. ALL: I SMELL A CATCHPHRASE! CHEETOR: What's shakin', cats? (The two cheetahs yowl and bolt) SIPHER: Always agree! (Cheetor skids to a halt) CHEETOR: What, is it my breath? PHIL: Or my face? Or my voice? Or my double-digit IQ? (Cheetor chases the two cheetahs, who skid to a halt when a giant wasp flies out from behind a tree) DOUG: Somebody get a REAL big newspaper. (Shot from Waspinator's POV) SIPHER: It's the Late-Night Wasp Cam! PHIL: That's wild, Dave. CHEETOR: The way those two reacted, that's no natural lifeform! And if we're talking unnatural lifeforms, then we gotta be talking about just one thing! PHIL: Paris Hilton! CHEETOR: CHEETOR, MAXIMIZE! (He transforms to robot mode) CHEETOR: Time for this cat to pounce! (Cheetor starts firing) DOUG: And by "pounce" I mean "shoot". WASPINATOR: Hnnnnn! Waspinator under attack! Waspinator engage enemy! SIPHER: (Waspy) Waspinator saved two months of paychecks! (Waspinator transforms to robot mode and returns fire) PHIL: It's gut-gun vs. butt-gun. (Distance shot of the explosions) DOUG: Well, this means extra rations for everyone. (Optimus, riding on Rhinox's back, grabs Rattrap by the scruff of his neck, dragging him a long for a little bit before pulling him up) SIPHER: Oh, Rhinox has a training rat. (Cheetor rolls, as Waspinator's bolts make small craters in the green, smooth ground) SIPHER: They're fighting on Play-Doh. (Cheetor gets up and runs) PHIL: I'll be safe if I can make it to the Fuzzy Pumper! (Optimus and Rattrap ride on Rhinox's back) SIPHER: (sings the Bonanza theme) (Shot of a line of boulders ahead) DOUG: Cheetor didn't pass those, did he? PHIL: Who said they were running TOWARDS Cheetor? OPTIMUS: Veer left! There's a clearing about a hundred meters! (Rhinox plows through the boulders) SIPHER: (Kool-Aid Man) OH YEAH! OPTIMUS: Ah yes, silly me. DOUG: I forgot my crew doesn't listen to me. (Cheetor snarls and smacks his gun) CHEETOR: Of all the times for a quasar jam! DOUG: (Hot Shot) YuM JaAm! OPTIMUS: Get to cover! We'll swat that pesky Predacon! MEGATRON: Oh, I would not count on THAT, Maximals. No. For I believe that you are soon to have... how shall I put it... PHIL: How about putting it a little less fey? COMMERCIAL BREAK (Overhead shot of the standoff ravine.) OPTIMUS: We don't have to do this, Megatron. There has been peace between the Maximals and Predacons for centuries. Why start this up again? SIPHER: (Megatron) Because "Beast Peace" tested poorly with children, yess. MEGATRON: But not on ours. Permit me to inform you that an enemy which appears to be... peaceful... DOUG: (Megatron) Is not an enemy, but that's beside the point. (Cheetor jerks at hs gun in an unfortunate back-and-forth motion) PHIL: Cheetor, this isn't the time! MEGATRON: We Predacons have NEVER abandoned our rightful goal of galactic conquest! No! SIPHER: (Megatron) We just started playing World of Warcraft and got distracted. MEGATRON: TO STRIKE! CHEETOR: You mean like THIS? (Cheetor fires, blasting Megatron in the jaw) OPTIMUS: Cheetor! MEGATRON: (almost euphoric) Ahh! A treacherous, underhanded sneak attack! Oh-ho-ho, I LIKE you, pussycat. Yess. DOUG: (Megatron) Now knee me in the groin, please. MEGATRON: For now the power gauntlet has been cast! DOUG: (Gauntlet voice) Yellow elf has shot the t-rex! OPTIMUS: Do it! MAXIMIZE! (Close-up of Tarantulas' spider-face) ALL: (React with horror and revulsion) RHINOX: Rhinox, MAXIMIZE! (Rhinox transforms) PHIL: Oh man, Rhinox just puked himself up! SCORPONOK: Scorponok, TERRORIZE! DOUG: Annette, MOUSEKERTIZE! RATTRAP: Rattrap, MAXIMIZE! (He makes some weird chittering noise as he transforms) SIPHER: Yuck, NEVER make that noise again! TERRORSAUR: Terrorsaur, TERRORIZE! PHIL: And Terrorsaur carries a Zippo lighter onto a plane. MEGATRON: Megatron, SIPHER: (Megatron) ET CETERA! OPTIMUS: Optimus, MAXIMIZE! (Optimus transforms) DOUG: This all still took less time than the standard Cybertron transformation footage. MEGATRON: Now, OBLITERATE THEM! (The Predacons start firing, and a long sequence of guys shooting at each other begins) PHIL: ZAP! DOUG: POW! SIPHER: BOOM! PHIL: BLAST! DOUG: EXPLODE! SIPHER: KRUNK! PHIL: PLOK! DOUG: VOOMP! SIPHER: CHEESE! PHIL: SMAPDI! DOUG: DINGLEBERRIES! SIPHER: POOPIESQUAT! PHIL: WARBURTON! DOUG: HEEBIE-JEEBIES! SIPHER: CROMULENT! PHIL: BANANA-MANGO! DOUG: CRYPTO-FACIST! SIPHER: Lemon curry? (Cheetor crawls towards some cover, and soemthing explodes right in front of him.) DOUG: Leave it to Cheetor to crawl TOWARDS the explosion. (A rock falls and traps Cheetor's leg) SIPHER: Cool, now he has to chew it off. CHEETOR: I'm stuck! OPTIMUS: Rattrap, help Cheetor! DOUG: He's got a lot of leg to chew through! RATTRAP: Yeah, RIGHT! OPTIMUS: That's an ORDER, RATTRAP! RATTRAP: Yeah? And YOU can just kiss my skidplate, fearless leader, because *I* ain't goin' out there an' gettin' MY pelt punctured! (Optimus shakes and grunts in annoyance) DOUG: (grunting) Oh, just had a heart attack! (Optimus leaps out from behind his cover, fires, then leaps into the air.) SIPHER: (Wicked Witch) FLY, my pretties, FLY!!! (cackles) (Primal dives stright down towards Cheetor) PHIL: I can see why he needed to fly for this. (Megatron fires, hitting one of Primal's jets) SIPHER: (makes sputtering biplane noises) RATTRAP: See? TOLD YA! (Optimus lands and points his cannon) DOUG: Ol' Yeller, NO! (Optimus shoots the rock) DOUG: Oh. (OPtimus helps Cheetor up) SIPHER: Here, honey. MEGATRON: DO NOT LET THEM ESCAPE! (Shot of Waspinator) PHIL: Where's Waspinator's NECK? (Rhinox grabs Cheetor's gun) SIPHER: No WONDER Cheetor's doing so bad, Rhinox stole his gun. RHINOX: Cover fire. They need it, we GIVE it. SIPHER: (Rhinox/Chili Peppers) What they want we gotta give it put it in you. (He hauls Rattrap up and the two fire wildly. Megatron takes a hit, and the other Predacons scatter) (Optimus and Cheetor run up the hill) DOUG: Hey Cheetor, can you run a little more doofily? MEGATRON: AFTER THEM! GO YOU- (He starts sparking) PHIL: Ninjas? (Waspinator starts sparking and drops out of the sky) DOUG: Shouldn't Cheetor have done this first? WASPINATOR: Waspinator cannot moooooooooove... MEGATRON: Energon field build-up! Convert back to beast mode... PHIL: (Megatron, strained) Convert to Catholicism! (Optimus rides on Rhinox's back again) SIPHER: That's a jaunty little walk cycle. (Optimus grabs Rattrap by the back of his neck and hauls him in front of his face) RATTRAP: EY! What's got your servos so bent? OPTIMUS: Let's get one thing STRAIGHT, Rattrap, *I* am the commander of this group and when I give an order I EXPECT it tobe obeyed! DOUG: Except for when I order you to lick me! RATTRAP: ...because YOU'RE too chicken to go yourself! OPTIMUS: I will NOT give an order I would NOT be willing to do myself! DOUG: Now LICK ME. OPTIMUS: ...I was capable of giving you better cover fire. YOU were NOT. SIPHER: ...capable of giving yourself better cover- wait. RATTRAP: C'mon, what're ya shortin' about? We got out of there ALIVE, didn't we? PHIL: (Rattrap) Gimme a kiss. OPTIMUS: It'll take time for our beast form to affect internal repairs. RATTRAP: Yeah, well... better you than me. (Cheetor catches up to Rhinox) PHIL: Hey guys! I got out from under THAT rock too! But then I got attacked by a giant butterfly! But then I got away but a plant attacked me! Guys? OPTIMUS: According to the Golden Disk theft reports there were SIX Predacons. One of them was missing from the battle. RATTRAP: Yeah, well, maybe he was destoyed in the crash! SIPHER: (Rattrap) Or maybe he had play practice? CHEETOR: Tell me about it. LOOK! (Dinobot is waiting in dino-mode on the small rock bridge ahead) RHINOX: Should we blast him? OPTIMUS: Keep that option open, but... hang on. DINOBOT: Attention, Maximals! DOUG: (Dinobot) There is a... BLUE-LIGHT SPECIAL on (snort) LIGHT BULBS in aisle four!! DINOBOT: As LEADER. CHEETOR: WHAT? Did I hear the word "leader"? SIPHER: (Pee Wee) That's TODAY'S SECRET WORD! YELL REAL LOUD! ALL: (Yell real loud) DINOBOT: I hearby challenge YOU, Optimus Primal, DOUG: How does he know his name? DINOBOT: The winner shall LEAD the Maximals, and the LOSER, PHIL: (Dinobot) Is BECK. (Pause tape, house lights up) *************************************************************************** SKIT FOUR: HEY LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE! *************************************************************************** PHIL: As you know, in just under a year, there will be a new movie coming out. It's a movie that I think we all want to see, but for different reasons. DOUG: Spider-Man 3? PHIL: ... not what I was thinking of, but yes, I'll see that. What I was refering to, though, was -- DOUG: Fantastic Four 2? PHIL: ... no, not that. DOUG: Star Wars Episode 1 3D Let's Take Your Money Again Edition? SIPHER: Hee hee. Star Wars fans. WAAH WE WANT THE ORIGINAL MOVIES WITHOUT THE SPECIAL EDITION CHANGES! Doodely-doodely-doodely WAAH WE GOT THE ORIGINAL MOVIES WITHOUT THE SPECIAL EDITION CHANGES WHY DIDN'T THEY CHANGE THEMMMM!! Hee hee hee. (wipes away a tear) Ah well. Any rate, I think Phil's talking about the TRANSFORMERS movie. PHIL: THANK you, Sipher. (rolls eyes) Yes, the new Transformers movie will be out July 4, 2007. The first teaser trailer just got released, there have been web board updates, and seventy-three script leaks, so it looks like this movie is definitely going to happen. SIPHER: And this has to do with us... how? PHIL: Like I said, I'm sure everyone in this room has a vested interest in the movie. Doug, I'm sure you want to see the movie because you think it'll be a fun time. DOUG: Sure! PHIL: And Sipher, I'm sure you want to see it because it'll irritate two- thirds of the fandom. SIPHER: ALSO known as "a fun time". PHIL: Well, I want to see it because... I'm in it. SIPHER: Bull. DOUG: You're in it? You actually have an on-camera role? PHIL: No, okay, not really. But I do have a part in the movie process. DOUG: Meaning...? PHIL: I'm writing the movie score. (At this point, Doug and Sipher look at the audience with "What is he SMOKING?" expressions.) SIPHER: You. Are. Writing. The. Score. DOUG: (looks at watch) Two seconds to clarification... PHIL: Okay, you got me. I'm not writing the score. SIPHER: I knew i-- PHIL: Yet. But I figure this is a great opportunity for all of you to hear my music and then petition Don Murphy and Michael Bay to get me the gig. SIPHER: You're insane. PHIL: Hey, there's nothing wrong with trying to get your dream job. SIPHER: Yes there is, if it involves forcing me to listen to you play keyboards. You're not Vince. PHIL: Who said I would be playing keyboards? (Phil pulls out his guitar.) SIPHER: Oy. PHIL: You're right, I'm not Vince, so I'm not even going to try. But guitars are where it's at, baby. Chicks dig the guitar. SIPHER: "Chicks"? We're talking about a ROBOT TOY MOVIE, idiot. DOUG: ... Gee. (Looks depressed) PHIL: (happily ignoring him) So, who wants to hear me play? (At this point, hopefully the crowd is either silent or actively shouting "No!") DOUG: Sounds like you've got a rough audience, Phil. SIPHER: No, Stephen Colbert had a rough audience at the press corps dinner. HE'S (points to Phil) gonna get lynched. PHIL: Excellent! Here's an original song that I call -- "The Ballad of Prime". (Phil starts playing a song that's hopefully recognizable as a complete rip-off of "The Ballad of Jayne" from the TV show "Firefly".) PHIL: (singing) Prime, the bot they call Prime SIPHER: Oh, gods, it's filk. DOUG: I think you're off-key. Or rocker. One of those. PHIL: (singing) He died several times But came back for more Stood up to Meggy And gave him what for Our love for him now Just grows all the time The hero of Cyb'tron The bot they call Prime (At this point, Doug holds up an imaginary lighter. Sipher is looking for ways to kill 1) Phil; 2) himself; 3) both.) Our Prime saw the Autobots' backs breakin' He saw the Autobots' lament And he saw the Decepticons takin' Autobot City and leaving it in dents. So he said, "You can't do that to my soldiers." He said, "You can't crush them with your bare hands." So he picked up his gun And before it was done He and the Autobots had made their stand. He died several times But came back for more Stood up to Meggy... SIPHER: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT! PHIL: What? DOUG: I think your D-string needed some tightening. SIPHER: Oh, that's not the only thing that needs tweaking. 1) You didn't write that song. You stole it from "Firefly". 2) You can't sing. 3) You can't even play the damn guitar. PHIL: They'll fix that in post-production. DOUG: That's what the colorist is for. PHIL: Now time for my next song. "Freebot!" DOUG: NO NOT SKYNYRD! (Phil starts strumming random chords until finally Sipher snaps and lunges at him.) SIPHER: Rock THIS! (Phil gets dragged down by Siph, and they scuffle until finally...) [[NOTE: Maybe Sipher can go get David Sobolov (for Iacon One) or Blu Mankuma (for BotCon) to say the line and drag Phil from the room, or take him behind the table/stage for a pummeling, or whatever.]] DOUG: Ladies and gentlemen... Phil has left the building. (Doug picks up the guitar) DOUG: Besides, we all know *I'M* the person with the most musical talent of the bunch. And that score gig will be mine! MINE! (Begins maniacal laughter) OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS! DOUG: DAMMIT! [house lights down, unpause tape] *************************************************************************** EPISODE FOUR: BEAST WARS (PART 2) *************************************************************************** OPTIMUS : (VO) Last time, on Beast Wars! (Recap begins) AUDIO FROM RECAP IS CUT AND REPLACED WITH “YAKITY SAX” "BEAST WARS" (Part Two) Written by BOB FORWARD Directed by STEVE BALL SIPHER: I'm taking my Steve and going home. DINOBOT: Face me, Optimus! I, Dinobot, challenge you for leadership of the Maximals! DOUG: (Dinobot) I call no Scorponoks this time. DINOBOT: The winner shall be LEADER, and for the LOSER, well... SIPHER: (Dinobot) Hope you like (snort) Rice-A-Roni. OPTIMUS: I don't want to fight you! DINOBOT: You do not have a CHOICE! Your command center is back THERE, and no-one crosses this bridge until you face ME. (Close-up of Optimus) PHIL: Not even little old ladies? RHINOX: Don't WE get a say in this? RATTRAP: Let Chopperface and the Boss-Monkey duke it. No fur offa MY tail. SIPHER: You don't HAVE fur there... CHEETOR: Howsabout you try a piece of the bad kitty, huh?! OPTIMUS: Cool your circuits, Cheetor. DOUG: (Same tone) Ram it, kid. OPTIMUS: ...anything I wasn't willing to do myself. RATTRAP: Oh, yeah, right, NOW he says that. (Optimus makes a very frustrated noise and turns to Dinobot) OPTIMUS: This is FOOLISH, Dinobot! PHIL: You wanna just eat two of my crew and we'll call it even? DINOBOT: All the more reason I should LEAD, then! OPTIMUS: Look, I don't know what happened between you and Megatron... DINOBOT: MEGATRON! Megatron will fall as soon as I have your Maximals at my command! SIPHER: And I'm getting my (snort) Alan Alda books back too! (snort) That bitch. DINOBOT: I beg to differ. For, in anticipation of my new role as leader, I have already reprogrammed my activation code! Dinobot... DOUG: (Dinobot) LEADERIZE!!! (Dinobot transforms) OPTIMUS: Optimus Primal, MAXIMIZE! (Optimus transforms. Behind him, Rhinox's lips are moving but there's no noise) PHIL: Rhinox, speak up! (Dinobot advances) SIPHER: (Dinobot) Come on, sweet meat. (Dinobot brings his rotate blade close to the camera) PHIL: The whole thing is spinning! Doesn't that hurt his hand? (Primal draws his swords) CHEETOR: I'm goin' in there! CHEETOR, MAXIM- (Rattrap clamps his paws around Cheetor's mouth) RATTRAP: Clamp it, kitty! Nailin' the Chopper from behind won't settle anything! DOUG: Especially since you can't GET behind him, that's kind of the whole POINT of this. (Dinobot runs at Optims, who hurls him immediately into the air. Dinobot hits the bridge and bounces a few times) SIPHER: Bouncing it what Dinobots do best! (Dinobot leaps high into the air all ballet-like) DOUG: Quit showboating, Baryshnikov. (Dinobot knocks Optimus down as he lands. Optimus' foot knocks some rocks loose, and the amera lingers on a shot of them plummeting down the canyon) PHIL: See, Generation 1 Prime would sacrifice himself now for letting those rocks fall to their deaths. (Dinobot leers above Optimus. Optimus suddenly swings with a VICIOUS left hook, connecting with a loud THUD.) ALL: NICE TAG. (Dinobot falls face-first to the ground) SIPHER: Jeez, one-punch Larry. PHIL: Lousy pay-per-view deal. (Primal lifts Dinobot's chin with the edge of one sword) DINOBOT: I still live! FINISH IT. DOUG: (Dinobot) Use a SEMI-TRANSPARENT stain before seal-coating to bring out the natural grain and improve (snort) DURABILITY. DINOBOT: That... will HAVE TO CHANGE! (Dinobot's eyes glow green and he blasts Primal in the face with eye- beams. Optimus staggers backwards) SIPHER: AAAAAGH oh HEY, I think you fixed my nearsightedness! (Primal stumbles on the edge, arms flailing) PHIL: (Little kid improv) Hey mom look at me look at me look mom I'm gonna dive look mom look look mom hey (stop at Cheetor's reaction shot) (Primal falls, but catches the edge of the bridge with his legs and hangs upside-down. Dinobot stands over him. Rhinox closes his eyes and shakes his head.) DOUG: (Rhinox) Your failure shames us, Optimus. (DInobot grabs Optimus and throws him back onto the bridge) OPTIMUS: What are you doing? You'd won! SIPHER: I was looking FORWARD to plummeting to my doom. DINOBOT: To defeat you in such a manner would be lacking in honor. I would not have EARNED the right to lead. I prefer to beat my opponents... the old-fashioned way. PHIL: (Dinobot) PARCHESI. DINOBOT: BRUTALLY! (The two trade sword blows while standing very still) SIPHER: Man, Alec Guinness and David Prowse had a more athletic fight than THIS. OPTIMUS: For a Predacon, Dinobot, you have qualities I could like! (Close-up of their faces so very close) DINOBOT: And YOU have proved to be a worthy adversary! ALL: THEY'RE GONNA KIIII-IIIIISS. OPTIMUS: Well, THATS... JUST... PRIME! (Shot of the Predacons in beast form) MEGATRON: Well, this is an interesting sight, yes. SIPHER: (Megatron) A wildebeest doing macrame! MEGATRON: ...engaged in battle! SCORPONOK: Who do you think's gonna win? PHIL: Who do you think is IN THE BURGERS? TARANTULAS: (cackles) The winner isn't what interests ME. MEGATRON: Nor me. No. How much more... DOUG: (Megaton) FEY can I be? MEGATRON: ...BOTH lost? Yess. MEGATRON, TERRORIZE! SIPHER: (groaning) Oh, boy, not again. TERRORSAUR: Terrorsaur, TERRORIZE! PHIL: You still have those pillows from B.O.T., Sipher? SIPHER: I think so. WASPINATOR: Waspinator, TERRORIZE! (Waspinator transforms) SCORPONOK: Scorponok, DOUG: VOICE-CHANGE-IZE! RATTRAP: YO! Shift your scanners due east there, pals! This party has got BIG-TIME crashers! PHIL: And they didn't bring any beer! MEGATRON: FIRE! (They do. Missiles fly towards the combatants...) COMMERCIAL BREAK) (Missiles fly towards the combatants...) CHEETOR: OPTIMUS! SIPHER: What now you stu-WHOAH! OPTIMUS: BEAST MODE! (He transforms) DOUG: Gorillas ARE missile-proof, right? (Optimus grabs Dinobot and leaps off the side of the bridge) CHEETOR: OPTIMUUUUUUUUUS!! (Shot of the canyon, no Optimus or Dinobot to be seen. Cheetor hangs his head) PHIL: The Maximals have NO faith in Primal AT ALL, do they? (Optimus is hanging by his toes to the brigde, gripping Dinobot's leg. Lasers take big chunks out of the bridge) OPTIMUS: A little SPEED would be prime! DOUG: Some extacy, meth, ANYTHING, man! CHEETOR: Let's go! Cheetor! PHIL: (Cheetor) JAZZERCIZE! (Cheetor transforms to robot) RHINOX: Rhinox, SIPHER: (Rhinox) CHICKEN THIGHS! (Rhinox transforms to robot, then thumps Rattrap on the back of the head) RATTRAP: Hey, hey, YOU get yourself scrapped, 'cuz I ain't- (Rhinox grabs Rattrap by the neck and lifts him up) RATTRAP: UGK! (strangled) Allright! Allright! (Dinobot begins shorting out) DINOBOT: The energon fields! DOUG: (Dinobot) They COAT me, making my metal (snort) brittle and breakable as glass! OPTIMUS: You can't transform in this position! DINOBOT: RELEASE me! Let me FALL! PHIL: Hey, Megatron? Don't shoot at us for a couple minutes, 'kay? Thanks! OPTIMUS: Now where's the honor in that? (The rock under Optimus' toes crumble so he's hanging by one digit) DOUG: So is the bridge the new Maximal leader? DINOBOT: You have no choice! OPTIMUS: Then we BOTH go! (The rock breaks, and Primal sstarts to fall, but Rhinox grabs his leg) RHINOX: Goin' up? SIPHER: (Rhinox) Mister Tyler? MEGATRON: This is our opportunity! DOUG: No, your opportunity was when they were hanging by a TOE, you dink! (The Predacons fire at one end of the bridge, the WRONG end) PHIL: Wouldn't it have been more effective to shoot the side of the bridge the Maximals WANTED to get to? (Close-up slo-mo as Rattrap runs, not fast enough to keep up, and the bridge crumbles under his feet...) SIPHER: (Slo-mo) Oooooooooooooh shhhhhhhiiiiiiiii- PHIL & DOUG: (Fenslerfilms) G. I. JOOOOOOOOOOOOE! (Primal grab Rattrap's arm and lifts him back to solid ground.) OPTIMUS: You're WELCOME. RATTRAP: You're the leader, it's your, uh... job. (Shot of Optimus glowering) DOUG: And yours is to LICK ME. (Megatron swats Terrorsaur away) MEGATRON: INCOMPETENTS! YOU let them escape! SIPHER: Hey, he IS a Megatron! SCORPONOK: Look up there! The missiles! ALL: OUR MISSILES!!! (A mountain in the distance explodes, revealing a LOT of glowing blue crystal.) MEGATRON: ENERGON! YESS! PHIL: Okay, so your missiles can detonate a mountain several miles away, but you can't hit the Maximals on the other side of a small canyon. Oy. (Scorponok and Megatron start sparking, Scorponok looks at himself in confusion) SIPHER: (Mo-Ron voice) duhhhhhh... MEGTRON: Quickly! Return to beast mode! SIPHER: (Mo-Ron) D'yokay! OPTIMUS: Raw energon. In its natural form it's highly unstable. SIPHER: Like Courtney Love. OPTIMUS: ...lucky those missiles didn't cause it to explode. RHINOX: If you can call it lucky. CHEETOR: Megatron's on the move! (He peers, and his eyes turn red...) DOUG: (Satan-y) GET OUUUUT. GET OUUUUUUUUT. DINOBOT: He is... after the energon. ALL: (Heavy sarcasm) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. DINOBOT: ...would make him... unstoppable. RATTRAP: Oh, thanks a lot for the hot tip, scale-belly! Rhinox, scrap this guy. (Rhinox advances) SIPHER: I instantly obey. OPTIMUS: Hold on, Rhinox! (Rhinox stops) OPTIMUS: Will he send fliers? DOUG: (Dinobot) Flowers? Well, he DOES think you're cute... RATTRAP: You're not gonna believe a PREDACON, are ya?! OPTIMUS: That's MY call. (He turns to Dinobot) PHIL: AM I gonna believe you? DINOBOT: Hnnn. Negative. The crystal is too big for the fliers to carry. Only Tarantulas has the skill to segment it. OPTIMUS: Then we have to get there first. All FIVE of us. SIPHER: Three, sir! RATTRAP: Yeah! All FIVE of us!... Ya mean, Chopperface is goin' with...?! ... We're all gonna die. PHIL: Up, that's two, we're one away from an officially-sanctioned catchphrase! (Megatron steadily stomps his way ahead) SIPHER: (Megatron, singing) You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm Predacon, no time for talk. Noo. MEAGTRON: So much energon! With a crystal that size, the Predacon forces will be unstoppable! PHIL: (Kaye announcer voice) Megatron's got a big boost of confidence thanks to Enzyte! MEGATRON: ...will be ours to conquer! (Long shot of the Predacons trekking towards the mountain) PHIL & DOUG: Are we there yet? SIPHER: (Megatron) Noo. PHIL & DOUG: Are we there yet? SIPHER: (Megatron) Noo. PHIL & DOUG: Are we there yet? SIPHER: (Megatron) NO! COMMERCIAL BREAK (It's nighttime now as the Maximals trek onwards) PHIL: Are we there yet? DOUG: Look, SHUT UP. RHINOX: How ya feelin'? OPTIMUS: Improved. I believe my internal repairs have been completed. SIPHER: (sniffle) My heart's still a mess, though. RHINOX: Your flyin' robot form could make it the the crystal before any of us. DOUG: (Rhinox) You could get us a Sackful of burgers and a Coke while you're there. OPTIMUS: No. We have to stay together. The Predacons could attack at any moment. And ther emay be other surprises on this planet. RHINOX: There are. Down there. Look. (Shot of a Stonehenge-like standing stones structure) SIPHER: (Spinal Tap) A race of druids. No-one knows who dey were, or what dey were doing. OPTIMUS: Hmm. Unusual. Any opinions? RHINOX: Just one. DOUG: (Rhinox) It's in danger of being trampled by a midget. RHINOX: ...and neither did the Predacons. CHEETOR: ROWR! HEADS UP! (Optimus looks up. Shot of the night sky) PHIL: There's a big glowy rock in the sky! SIPHER: That's the MOON, Cheetor. WASPINATOR: Waspinator, TERRORIZE! DOUG: (singing to "Private Eyes") Terrorize! ALL: (CLAP) DOUG: They're watching you! ALL: (CLAP CLAP) DOUG: They see your ev-er-y move... (The Maximals transform down the line, without saying a word) PHIL: What, so they're sick of saying their mandatory activation codes? OPTIMUS: Defensive positions! (Rattrap points his gun at Dinobot) RATTRAP: Yeah, but what about him? OPTIMUS: HE'S with US! DOUG: And WE'RE with Captain America! RATTRAP: ...just 'cuz YOU say so! (The rocks next to Rattrap explode. Waspinator and Terrorsaur swoop in, firing) ALL: (Old timey-bipane fighter and machinegun noises) SIPHER: Those rummy Jerries are all over us, chaps! OPTIMUS: Hold your fire! We could start an avalanche! RATTRAP: You crossed your wires?! PHIL: And hope to die! OPTIMUS: I'll handle this! (He leaps into the air, prime-jets on full) SIPHER: OW OW OW LEGS ON FIRE OW OW OW HOT OW! (Waspinator and Terrorsaur start sparking, but keep firing) PHIL: That's dedication. (Primal fires missiles which explode behind the Predacons, sending them flying uncontrollably) SIPHER: Oh no, an ambent light globe arrrrgh... (The Preds regain control, Waspinator shakes his head) DOUG: (Aggetta-aggetta-aggetta head shakey noise) DINOBOT: NOW! PHIL: (DInobot) NOW is the time to start an avalanche! (He fires his eyebeams at them, also hitting some of the stalactites above them. Rhinox looks up, as a rock is dislodged. Rhinox leaps out of the way as it crashes down.) SIPHER: (Mr. Burns) Have the Rolling Stones killed. RATTRAP: I KNEW it, ya TRAITOR! You tried to scrap my pal! SIPHER: (Rhinox) Who said I was your pal? (Rattrap jumps Dinobot and knocks him down. Dinobot tries to get up, but Rattrap presses the barrel of his gun to his forehead) RATTRAP: Once a Pred, DOUG: (singing West Side Story) You're a Pred all the way, from your first cigarette... (Primal lands) OPTIMUS: It was an accident! RATTRAP: SAYS YOU! (Optimus gets right in Rattrap's face) OPTIMUS: That's right, SAYS ME. You wanna question my orders (jabs his finger in Rattrap's chest at each following word) ONE MORE TIME? PHIL: (Amused and impressed) Ooh, this Optimus HAS a pair! (Rattrap relucatly backs off, but his gun is still pointed at Dinobot's head) RATTRAP: Eeehnnn... I don't trust PREDACONS. (Dinobot soves the gun aside and stands, staring down Rattrap... who is half Dinobot's height) DOUG: Man, his rigid grill structure is like, RIGHT there. OPTIMUS: Now COME ON! (Long shot of the Predacons marching up the slope of the mountain) ALL: (singing) Faldereeeee, falderaaaaaa... MEGATRON: Soooo much energon! Yessss! I can almost taste its power! SIPHER: (Megatron) Someone get me a napkin. TARANTULAS: The energon fields would destroy us as robots in less than a minute! We will have to stay in beast form! And Optimus and the Maximals are COMING! PHIL: Why didn't the Maximals just wait for the Preds to get there then detonate the mountain? DOUG: Don't be ridiculous, Phil. Nobody could shoot that far. PHIL: Oh, right, I... wait a minute. (Primal pulls him up to the cliff face. Shot of the small cliff which is glowing blue with energon crystals.) DOUG: More black-lights here than a college dormatory. (Megatron appears on the other side of the canyon. The Maximals line up in beast mode) SIPHER: This is gonna turn into a big Sharks vs Jets musical number, isn't it? PHIL: Beast Side Story. MEGATRON: Across the galaxy, it has come to THIS, Optimus Primal! Face to face! Tooth to claw! DOUG: (Megatron) Cheek to cheek! PHIL: (Megatron) Priced to sell! SIPHER: (Megatron) Twenty-five or six to four! OPTIMUS: I'd say that's prime. LET'S DO IT! (They roar and charge. Several shots of everyone rushing forward) SIPHER: Our CAST, ladies and gentlemen. (Long shot from the side, both sides appear) PHIL: Hey Optimus, let's combi-(the two sides collide) OW! (Megatron's POV as Primal rears back and decks him. Megatron swoons and falls over) SIPHER: Rock 'Em Sock 'Em... Gorillas. Hm. (Dinobot and Scorponok stand more or less still, kinda swiping at each other) PHIL: Not exactly "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon", is it? (Rattrap leaps onto Tarantulas' back. More Scorponok and Dinobot. Megatron charges Primal, knocking him on his back and pinning him. Megatron tires to bite Opimus' head off, but Primal grabs his head and resists) SIPHER: (Wrasslor/Macho Man) Your breath is minty fresh! MEGATRON: The energon shall be ours! OPTIMUS: Not if I can help it! (He kicks, throwing Megatron into the air. Megs lands, crushing some rocks with his head, leaving his head trapped between them) OPTIMUS: Surrender, Megatron, you're trapped! (Shot of Megatron trying to free himself) DOUG: The other side of that rock has painting of a Disney character's body on it. (Megatron breaks free and charges Primal) SIPHER: Wasn't there a recent movie with something like this in it? DOUG: Yeah, I think it was "Memoirs Of a Geisha". SIPHER: That was it. (Megatron slams Optimus back into a rock, then bites down into his leg.) DOUG: (Megatron) Oh, BLECH. Don't you BATHE, Primal? (Primal knocks Megatron back then grabs him by the tail, and begins swinging him in a wide circle) PHIL: (Laughing) He's getting a piece of tail! SIPHER: Stop it. (Megatron hits the wall hard as Primal lets go. Primal staggers on his wounded leg) SIPHER: He's hollow, like a chocolate bunny! OPTIMUS: IT IS OVER, MEGATRON! DOUG: (Megatron) FOR ME, PERSONALLY, IT NEVER ENDS! (Megatron transforms to robot mode and immediately begins sparking) MEGATRON: For if I must die, SIPHER: Wait, who said you had to die? Rattrap, did you... (Megatron fires a rocket. Slo-mo shot from just behind it, as Dinobot steps into its path) DOUG: (Road Runner) MEEP MEEP! (Dinobot swats the rocket with his tail, slightly altering its course. Slo-mo close-up as it moves just over Optimus' shoulder) PHIL: This is like the Matrix, only... better. SIPHER: Oh yeah. (The rocket hits a rock, and things start shaking. Close-up of Optimus reacting) SIPHER: Well, he's more emotive than Keanu... RHINOX: I'ts gonna BLOW! (Reaction shot of Tarantulas) CHEETOR: Time to fade, heroes! DOUG: Cheetor, say "fade" again and you're WALKING back to Cybertron. (Shot of Megatron laying prone) SIPHER: (Megatron, strained) I can't die yet. I haven't seen "The Jolsen Story"... (Primal rides on Rhinox's back) PHIL: Primal's gonna have HUGE saddle-sores by the end of the day. (More shots of shaking crystals, with the deep drum beat) SIPHER: (Indian brave) What message speak the drums. (Megatron leaps up, yelling in rage, and leaps off the cliff) DOUG: MITCHEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! (The mountain explodes. A lot.) DOUG: I always hated that mountain anyway. (Long shot, pulling back to reveal the Maximals) PHIL: Man, they ran forty miles in record time. SIPHER: Well, it was all downhill. OPTIMUS: Thanks. DINOBOT: My action did not imply LOYALTY, Optimus. DOUG: (Dinobot) It was an act of love. DINOBOT: Now we are merely... even. OPTIMUS: I'll accept that. PHIL: 'Cause we don't take American Express! RATTRAP: ...Megatron's gone and so's the energon! So it's over! Can we go home now? OPTIMUS: No, Rattrap. SIPHER: We're stuck here and we're gonna DIE here. OPTIMUS: Megatron may be back, and there is still more energon! If they ever get enough, they could conquer the galaxy. PHIL: (Rattrap) Define "enough". Are we talkin' twenty pounds, here, or what? OPTIMUS: On this strange, primitive world. And let it be called... ALL: DIGITAL DOOM ON THE HIGHWAY TO DESTRUCTION!!!! [house lights up, pause tape] *************************************************************************** SKIT FIVE: LESSONS LEARNED *************************************************************************** SIPHER: Well, guys, now that we have completed our MOST RECENT EXPERIMENT, let's turn to our EVIL SCIENTIST OVERLORD who has BEEN THERE ALL ALONG and see what he thinks of it! PHIL: (Sarcastic) Riiiiiight. SIPH: (gestures frantically for Walky to get up and be the evil overlord again) WALKY: Oh! Right, um...so, my...uh, my four whole fried chickens and dry white toast, are your souls crushed by the, um, the, um, the soul- crushingly...um, soul-crushingness of B.O.T.? Soon, when I learn to harvest - um, to harness its power, I will- PHIL: No, you know what? I call BS. SIPH: I'M TELLING YOU HE HAS BEEN FORCING US TO WATCH- PHIL: (gestures to Doug) DOUG: (procures an enormous syringe and puts Siph down. Siph collapses gracelessly in mid-rant.) PHIL: Thanks. Now, YOU shut up! DOUG: (gestures threateningly with the [now "used"] syringe at Walky. Walky collapses gracelessly.) DOUG: That was easy. So you weren't buying it either, huh? PHIL: No. Maybe if he'd picked someone scarier than Walky, but - well, heck, you know, maybe not even then. I mean, what could you possibly learn from an "experiment" like this? DOUG: To make sure you look over your final animation before you broadcast it to hundreds of thousands of homes across the US? PHIL: Heh. Yeah, or maybe to try not to lead off your team selection with "the very best" unless you want to give your other choices a complex. DOUG: I learned that "a little torment first" is a good way to get stuck on a planet for three years. And to never sign up for a deep-space exploration mission. PHIL: Or at least not one led by a guy who looks like a great hero. I learned that girls can be just as stupid and useless as boys. DOUG: (prodding Siph with his foot) I learned that 60ccs of this stuff was probably a little much. PHIL: Yeah, what WAS th - you know, never mind. I learned that the Predacons can blow up an entire mountain, when it's convenient. DOUG: I learned that, no matter how much carnage and destruction I cause, I'll always get the chance to go back to GoBotropolis to train harder. PHIL: I learned we really don't have any business doing musical skits. DOUG: I learned that we're gonna do them anyway. PHIL: I learned to (hypnotizedly) BUY HAULER-BOT. WALKY: (from floor) I learned- PHIL AND DOUG: SHUT UP. DOUG: I learned to never sell my friends' body parts to terrorists. PHIL: I learned that long ago, my friend. DOUG: (double-take) Uh... PHIL: Yeah, so anyway, I guess there really is something to be learned from these episodes. And I guess if you can make someone else watch them, that would be great too. DOUG: I learned I hate B.O.T. PHIL: So did the audience. DOUG: But still...even if we WERE trapped in an experiment...I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be by Walky. PHIL: Oh, definitely. (LIGHTS DOWN, followed, after an appropriate pause, by FRIGHTENING EVIL LAUGHTER.) [house lights down, unpause tape] *************************************************************************** CREDITS *************************************************************************** Written by Doug Dlin Matthew Greenbaum Matt Kuphaldt Bill Ray Greg Sepelak Trent Troop Jennifer Ulm Graham Weaver David Willis Phil Zeman MUSIC